Red: So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumbass with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.
Hyde: That was like eight burns in one sentence.
Donna: An octo-burn. Let's get the hell out of here.

Red: You think my problem is my own son? My son is a fine young man.
Eric: Wow, Dad, you don't have...
Red: Shut up, dumbass. You know less about my family than you do about football! Which isn't saying much, since you dropped every pass that came near you! And let me tell you something else. When a real Packer hurts his leg, he stuffs his kneecap back in and keeps on running!
Eric: That's what this little mushroom would have done.

Hyde: Hey, Red, I got a question for you. My wife says she doesn't want anything for Valentine's Day. So I'm off the hook, right?
Red: Let me tell you a little story. There was a woman, a newlywed. And she told her husband, "Rather than waste money on gifts, save for retirement." And so he never bought her a gift. Not for Christmas, birthdays, never. And 50 years later, she thanked him. And you know who that woman was?
Hyde: No.
Red: That woman was the invisible dancing fairy of Dumbass Land. All women want gifts.

Red: Eric. Now, Donna just came through here looking very upset. Would you have any idea what that's about?
Eric: I have no idea. She seemed fine when we- Um, you already know, don't you?
Red: Of course I know. Donna is such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?
Eric: I don't know. You know, it seems like bad things are always happening to me like I have bad luck or something.
Red: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it.

Mediator: Eric, just a few more questions. Is your father ever unnecessarily angry?
[Red looks at Eric and gestures for him to smile]
Eric: Unnecessarily angry? Well- [clears throat] You know, what does "unnecessarily" mean really? I mean, my sister likes to put salt on roast beef, but I think it's unnecessary. I mean, why cover up the flavor of such a delicious meat?
Red: Just answer the question, dumbass! I mean... [laughs] Good work, Son.

Red: Well, it's got stainless steel rotor blades so it can crush ice, which is why I keep it out here at the bar. Um... And it has the highest wattage that you can get without moving up to the industrial model which would cost you twice as much.
Kitty: Well, now, see, we have had this blender all these years and I never knew that's why we bought it.
Red: You didn't know that? How could you not know that?
Kitty: Oh, Red, everybody doesn't research every product before they buy it.
Red: Well, then they're dumbasses.
Kitty: Well, that's right. And that's why they need you to tell them what to buy.

Red: We don't think that you should go.
Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.
Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.
Kitty: In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.
Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.
Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!
Red: What are you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?
Hyde: I'm not afraid of anything, and I'm going.
Red: Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.

Red: Now, about last night...
Eric: You know what, Dad? Uh, before you get started, I know what you're gonna say.
Red: Oh, really? What do you know?
Eric: Um, that I was irresponsible and stupid. And I have it on good authority that I may have called you something.
Red: Like, um, "big, bald party pooper?"
Eric: For instance. But the point is, Dad, I'm really ashamed and sorry and afraid.
Red: Hmm. Okay. Well, that covers it. Okay. Good talk.
Eric: That's it? I get off scot-free? I mean, I learned a valuable lesson?
Red: Look, son, you're grown up now. You know what you did wrong. And I am too tired to keep thinking up new and exciting ways to punish you. So... Merry Christmas.
Eric: Are you kidding me? I don't get in trouble, and you're giving me a Christmas present? Oh, boy, this is the best Christmas ever! [sniffs] Actually, you know, this really smells.
Red: Yeah, those are my shoes from last night. Clean 'em, buff'em and shine 'em. Ho, ho, ho. Dumbass!

Red: Hey, bring these guys a beer.
Eric: No, Dad, I'm supposed to take you home. Mom said so.
Red: Normally, you do what your mother says. Sometimes, you know... You're a dumbass. But mostly, you're a good kid.
Eric: Thank you, sir.
Red: But this is my last day of work... And I didn't get a party. I didn't get a gold watch. And I didn't get crap. So... Let's drink!

Kitty: Red, I have bad news. The people I showed the house to, they just weren't interested. I have no idea why.
Red: It doesn't matter. The clown who does yoga made an offer. So I said, "It's a deal, you downward-facing dumbass." Isn't it great? A month from now, we'll be in Florida.
Kitty: Yeah. Far away from all our family and friends.
Red: Jeez, Kitty, put it like that, we should leave tonight!