Hyde: Hey, what do I need Jackie for, man? I know more about this stuff than she does. The three true branches of the government are military, corporate, and Hollywood. I need a pencil. I got it. I got it.

[circle:]
Hyde: I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer. And the government knows that beer will set us free.
Fez: Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!
Eric: Yeah, hungry, check. Horny, check. It's getting a little old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know? Remember when he was living on Tatooine before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just working on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go into Toshie Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.
Kelso: Eric, enough with the Star Wars crap! Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over. And I like my free ride!
Hyde: Yeah, we get it. You're good looking. Look, doesn't anybody have anything new to say?
[Fez, Eric and Kelso are stumped when the camera pans over to them]
Hyde: So there's this car that runs on water, man. [guys throw beer cans at Hyde] It runs on water, man!

[circle:]
Hyde: So is Red still thinking about giving you the car maybe?
Kelso: [chuckles] Even if we do get it, we're gonna need some serious gas money 'cause the cruiser's a boat.
Eric: I know it's a boat. This whole gas shortage bites.
Fez: Who is getting a boat?
Hyde: There is no gas shortage, man. It's all fake. The oil companies control everything. Like, there's this guy who invented this car that runs on water, man. It's got a fiberglass air-cooled engine, and it runs on water.
Fez: So it is a boat.
Hyde: No, it's a car. Only, you put water in the gas tank instead of gas. [chuckles] And it runs on water, man.
Kelso: [laughs hysterically] I never heard of this car. Hey, Jackie's good for gas money.
Eric: You are such a whore.
Fez: When does the boat get here, whore?

[circle:]
Fez: I am telling you, I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.
Hyde: [coughs] It's not the devil, man. It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man. They want to kill rock and roll because they know it makes us horny, man.
Eric: Doesn't, uh... Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?
Kelso: Cartoons make me horny. Oh, and food.
Fez: When you play the record backwards, you can hear the devil speak. I am starting to hear him everywhere. [whimpers]
Hyde: [incoherent chattering]
[After the camera pans over to Eric, it pans counter-clockwise back to Hyde]
Hyde: Satan is your master, Fez. Worship Satan.
Fez: [whining]
Hyde: Before you worship Satan, get him a cherry pop. Get Satan a cherry pop. Get Satan a cherry pop. A pop, man. Get me a pop. Fez, man, get me a pop!
Fez: Oh, I'm sorry. I misunderstood.
Hyde: Satan's second choice is root beer.
Fez: Ay!

Kitty: Oh, Steven, I have a great idea. You could sell lemonade.
Hyde: Mrs. Forman, I've thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands, and... Lord knows I hate a hypocrite.
Kitty: You could have a little bake sale.
Hyde: I pretty much beat up any kid selling anything.
Kitty: Steven, you could... You could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies...
Hyde: I'm not much of... Brownies? I could make brownies. Because people love brownies!
Eric: No, they don't.
Hyde: Oh, they love my brownies.

Kelso: "A UNICEF contribution of 13 cents will feed a child for a month." Man, living in Africa must be great. Everything's so cheap.
Hyde: If you ask me, man, UNICEF's a scam.
Donna: If we ask you, everything's a scam.
Hyde: Everything is a scam.

Donna: Yeah, but you know what the worst part is?
Hyde: Watching your parents split up and knowing there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
Donna: Exactly. And you know what else? My mom moved out of their bedroom, into the guest room.
Hyde: Yeah, it sucked when my dad split. But I can honestly say that my parents' divorce made me the man I am today.
Donna: Oh, man, am I going to go crazy and think the government's out to get me, too?
Hyde: The government is out to get you.

Laurie: What about Hyde? I mean, he doesn't have to go.
Hyde: While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic, as well as the Eastern philosophies and, of course, the teachings of Muhammad, I find that organized religions have corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history. Were I to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite.

[circle:]
Hyde: Best thing about this joke, it just keeps going and going. [laughs] And not only did we break the law, we screwed our friends while breaking the law.
Kelso: How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who here trusts me?
Hyde: [o.s.] No way.
Jackie: [o.s.] Not me.
Kelso: Thank you.
Jackie: You know what? Stolen food just tastes better. Dinner roll?
Fez: Guys, I feel bad about Eric and Donna. Maybe we should figure out a way to help them.
Hyde: Sure, we could do that. Or... [chuckles] we could ask ourselves, "How can we make this worse?"
[elsewhere:]
Waiters: [sing] Happy anniversary Happy anniversary Happyy anniversary Donna and Eric.
Waiter: With best wishes from Hyde, Kelso, Fez and Jackie.

Kelso: There's a black Ford sedan outside. Hyde's right, the Feds found us.
Hyde: Damn it, Kelso. You finally figure out how to use a phone, now we're all going to jail.
Eric: I think you guys are overreacting. There's no way the government would park a car right outside my house.
Hyde: Forman, anything you think the government's not doing, they are doing. The only thing they didn't do is land the man on the moon. No, no, no, no, no. Spielberg shot the entire thing in a Hollywood movie set. That's how he got the job for Jaws.