Kelso: Burn! Page 1 of 4
A collection of the best burns, usually pointed out by Kelso.
Quote from Red in The Battle of Evermore
Red: So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumbass with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.
Hyde: That was like eight burns in one sentence.
Donna: An octo-burn. Let's get the hell out of here.
Quote from Kelso in The Acid Queen
Kelso: Well, Donna, turns out Brooke doesn't like intelligent men.
Hyde: Kelso, you didn't have sex with her, man, just let it go.
Brooke: [enters] Michael, I need to talk to you.
Kelso: Yeah, about what?
Brooke: About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Kelso: [smiles] Excuse me. [to Fez] Burn! [to Donna] Burn! [to Eric] Burn! [to Jackie] Burn! [to Hyde] Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs into the kitchen]
Kelso: [to Kitty] Burn! [to Red] Burn.
[Kelso runs out the sliding door and down the stairs back to the basement]
Kelso: Burn. We totally did it!
Brooke: Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant.
Kelso: I never touched her.
Quote from Kelso in What is and What Should Never Be
Fez: Ah, we've been here for, like, an hour. We've only moved, like, two feet.
Kelso: You think the lines at the D.M.V. are long? You should see the free clinic. Now, there's a wait.
Hyde: Man, you've been to the free clinic?
Kelso: No. Oh, but I did see your mom there. Burn! [Hyde punches Kelso's arm] [chuckles] That's gonna leave a mark. Just like your mom did! [laughs]
Quote from Jackie in Red Fired Up
Laurie: Hey! This is my house.
Jackie: So what? Eric wants me here. Don't you, Eric?
Eric: Why, yes, I do.
Laurie: You better watch your back.
Jackie: Really? 'Cause you should stop spending so much time on yours.
Kelso: Oh. Burn! [laughs] Hey, I'm sorry. I just got swept away by the super-good burn.
Laurie: Shut up!
Quote from Fez in Let's Spend the Night Together
Kelso: [answers phone] Brooke, did you have the baby yet?
Fez: [imitates baby crying]
Fez: No, this is your baby. And I'm really ugly.
Kelso: Okay, I know this is a prank, 'cause there's no way my baby would be ugly. [hangs up] [answers phone] Hello?
Fez: Yes, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, you better go catch it. Burn!
Kelso: Stop calling me! [hangs up]
Quote from Jackie in Cat Fight Club
Laurie: Next time we go hiking, make sure you bring a blanket. I think I have a twig in my shorts.
Hyde: What a coincidence. So does Kelso.
Kelso: Okay, okay. Nice burn. Hi, Jackie.
Jackie: Oh, look. It's Michael and his community chest.
Quote from Kelso in It's All Over Now
Kelso: Hey, Angie, when Tom Jones gets here, you're not gonna throw your underpants at him, are you?
Angie: Michael, you know I don't wear underwear.
Hyde: Come on, man, you're my sister.
Kelso: I just told her to say that to gross you out. Burn!
Hyde: Yeah, you got me.
Kelso: Besides, I happen to know that she does wear underwear. Sometimes she lets me take them off for her. Boomerang burn!
Kelso: So it's the last circle before I go. Wait a minute, now I get why we call it a circle! That is freakin' awesome!
Jackie: You know Michael, I will always remember the first boy who kissed me. And proposed to me and told me that putting out makes your nails grow. I really believed you.
Donna: Kelso, I'm kinda gonna miss you constantly trying to grab my boob. Made me feel pretty. I am messed up.
Fez: Donna, I give you my word. I will always be here, trying to grab your boob. We'll do it for Kelso, who won't be here to do it anymore. Oh, God.
Hyde: Man... Kelso, this is weird. I always imagined our last moment together would be me watching you strapped to a home-made rocket flying around in circles screaming, "Turn it off! Turn it off!"
Kelso: Well. I guess this is goodbye. Man, I'm gonna miss this. Like, being down here, I've had, like, the best time of my life. And you know what? No matter where I live, I will love you guys forever. Well, I guess it's time to go. So, see ya. [exits]
Jackie: Bye, Michael.
Donna: Wow. He is really gone.
Fez: My beautiful tormentor.
Hyde: This sucks.
Kelso: [returns] I'm not leaving till tomorrow! And you were crying! Burn!
Hyde: Well, that's a mighty big smile. What, did you get into the Play-doh?
Kelso: No. I'm happy 'cause today is Gift Day. And in honor of this special day, I got you all gifts.
Eric: All right. Aerosmith Live.
Kelso: Yeah, for my friend who rocks.
Hyde: Oh, man. The new Rolling Stone.
Kelso: For my friend who reads.
Fez: [gasps] Oreos!
Kelso: For my friend who snacks.
[Eric groans as he puts on a set of headphones. Fez groans as he bites one of the Oreos. A farting sound is heard as Hyde sits down on the couch.]
Kelso: A triple-decker burn! Awesome!
Eric: Wha-There's peanut butter on my headphones!
Fez: These cookies are filled with toothpaste!
Hyde: All right. That noise did not come out of my butt.
Kelso: Welcome to Prank Day. That's right. It's Prank Day. "Gift Day." You idiots.
Hyde: A whoopee cushion? What are you, two? [squeezes whoopie cushion] These things are great.
Quote from Kelso in Dine and Dash
Kelso: Okay, you guys. That was a wicked burn. It had all the elements: You didn't see it coming, parts of it really hurt... [chuckles]
Eric: Well, Kelso, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Kelso: Oh, I did. [eats brownie] I got my eye on you two. You're not gonna burn me like that again.
Donna: I love our friends.
Eric: Me too.