Jordan Quote #148
Keith: I love you.
Elliot: I love you too.
Jordan: Wow, what the hell was that?
Elliot: I finally told Keith I loved him.
Jordan: Now that you've said what he wants hear, he doesn't have to work for it. It's like when guys are really trying to sleep with you. When you finally give it up, there are no more flowers. Next thing you know, it's 20 years later, and you're standing over him while he sleeps, your third Martini in one hand and a steak knife in the other. And sure, he's taking his sleeping pills, so you can slice his arm open a little bit without waking him up. But it's not satisfying, and you know why? Because you've lost the power. Hey Per-Per! Did you figure out what happened to your arm?
Dr. Cox: Nope.
Elliot: Yes, phew.
Quote from Ted
Dr. Kelso: You know what, if the nurses keep going on like this, I'm going to get them their raise, but I'm going to pay for it by firing three of them, the ugly ones. How does that sound?
Ted: [v.o.] Whatever you think is right, sir.
Ted: You're an ass.
Ted: [v.o.] Ted, you idiot. You just said the out-loud thing in your head and the in-your-head thing out loud! Don't make eye-contact, just keep moving!
Quote from J.D.
Todd: J.D., Turk shouldn't mess with Dr. Green. Now, even though you're only his second best friend, for some reason he listens to you.
J.D.: If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed. I can't even imagine how I'd try!
[J.D. looks off into the distance]
Todd: [v.o.] Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now, I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.
J.D.: We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!
Todd: That's helpful.
Quote from Ted
Ted: Sir, they aren't asking for much and the little things can make a big difference. I know I'd be a lot happier with some extra cash, or friends, or hair.
Dr. Kelso: How would your life be any different, if you had hair?
[fantasy: Ted, wearing a bright '70s-style suit, has a full head of hair as two women hang on to him while they walk down the shampoo aisle at a rug store:]
Ted: [kissing] Don't worry baby, you'll get your turn.
Woman: Which conditioner are you going to buy?
Ted: Too many choices!
[In frustration, Ted pushes over the conditioner shelves before noticing an elderly woman in the next aisle]
Ted: Mom? No! Why do I have hair? Why? Why do I have hair? Why?
Ted: I wonder if they'd still do me after I buried mom?
Quote from My Life in Four Cameras
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry. Would you please repeat the question?
Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that?
Jordan: That's weird. I asked him the same thing last night.
Carla: Where's the outrage, the anger, the hate?
Jordan: Again, last night.
Carla: You've gone soft.
Jordan: [gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.
Quote from My Last Day
J.D.: Oh, Ms. Sullivan, thank you for helping us with Mr. Bober.
Jordan: Oh, don't mention it. And even though I wasn't invited to your little party, I brought presents for everyone.
Dr. Cox: Brace yourself there, Newbie.
Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend. He knows. He and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her. Perhaps you're afraid of something. Huh. And, Bob, when are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for was filled months ago? It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your "colleague" Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna do it for you, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah. And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protege here.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, please, God, no.
Jordan: I slept with him, and it was good. Oh, how's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yup. One big happy family.
Quote from My Last Day
Elliot: He doesn't have insurance, so if you could talk to the other members of board today at the meeting, J.D. thought maybe-
Jordan: J.D. thought? First he dumps that patient on you, and now he wants you to ask me a favor? Honey, if you don't start saying no to him soon, you're gonna wind up on the losing end of a little game I like to call Hide The Pickle.
Elliot: Oh, J.D. and I are just colleagues.
Jordan: Oh, my God. I was just joking, but you actually slept with him, didn't you?
Elliot: [scoffs] A little.
Jordan: Look, I don't know where your mother was when she should have been telling you these things, but you cannot have sex with someone you care about. Sex is for making babies and revenge.