Lucy: Look, it's not all bad. I'm here. We have cupcakes. We can lie in bed and watch TV all day.
Cole: No, the remote's broken and it's stuck on the History Channel. I don't care about stuff that's already happened.

Cole: Look, I know we're gonna studying late, so I bought you nerds dinner.
Drew: Did you rub, graze, touch, dip, drag or spread your stuff on any part of this?
Cole: Wanted to. Decided not to.

Cole: [recording] Hey, I wanted to talk to you about skin cancer. It's very serious but easily preventable. Always wear sunscreen,get a full body checkup annually, and when you go to the beach, stay covered up. Unless you're a hottie, In which case you should take it all off and get weird.
Lucy: We're trying to make a video about cancer awareness.
Cole: Okay, what about hottie awareness? Have you been to the beach lately? It's all families eatin' hard-boiled eggs. Okay, that ain't right. You know what? Just g- Hey, go. Go press. Press "record." I got this. I'll figure it out. [recording] Hotties, remember this. You cannot get skin cancer on your taters.

Cole: I don't see what the big deal is. People die in third world countries all the time, and no one cares.
Maya: Since when did you become so political?
Cole: Since my boy Trent went on a surf vacation to El Salvador and got a tattoo infection. He had to die with a partial mermaid on his shoulder. It just looked like a regular stupid lady. Where was his ceremony?

Cole: I'm so psyched about this surgery thing. I already know what I'm gonna call my surgical practice "Cole cutz."
Turk: With a "z"?
Cole: That's right! Man, you gotta knock before you enter Cole's brain.

Turk: Cole? I totally forgot about you. Have you been standing here all day?
Cole: I don't know. I can't read old people clocks.
Turk: And you haven't moved once, not even to pee?
Cole: Nope. I learned a trick at keggers when there's a long line at the bathroom. Let a little out, let it dry. Little out, let it dry.

Cole: Done! That vein didn't stand a chance. I owned that bitch!
Dr. Cox: As much as it pains me to admit it, that bitch is indeed yours. Well done.

Cole: Hey, congrats, bro. You really brought it today. Oh, but who's that nippin' at your heels? Uh-oh. It's C-dog.
Drew: I'm sorry, I don't speak hipster gibberish.
Cole: Oh, I'm talking about this epic battle you and I are locked in for the number one spot.
Drew: Okay, I'm assuming you like to be called "dude."
Cole: Love it.
Drew: Dude, I don't like the spotlight. I don't like the extra attention. I tried med school before, and I crashed and burned, okay?
Cole: Oh, playing it humble. Nice angle. But careful walking on the tracks 'cause there's a Cole train a-comin'. Choo-choo!

Drew: Cole, I need the retractor.
Cole: I'm using it right now.
Drew: Seriously?
Cole: Yeah. I don't like touching bread. Creeps me out.

Lucy: If you want to keep sleeping with me, I expect you to have my back.
Cole: God, you got so many rules! Get your back, Listen to you when you talk, stay out of your purse. Damn, girl. Quit playing games.