Tammy Two: Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the Library Department. You should come join us sometime.
Leslie Knope: I would never work at the Library Department. I'm gonna tell Ron what you just said, and this little game that you're playing is gonna be over.
Tammy Two: Okeydoke. [elevator doors close]
Leslie Knope: Yeah, you better run. We're no longer government gals.

Leslie Knope: So, Tammy, for that and many other reasons, Ron has decided to end this relationship.
Tammy Two: [laughs] Wait a minute. Ron brought you here to break up with me for him?
Ron Swanson: She volunteered.
Tammy Two: Leslie, Ron doesn't wanna break up with me. What Ron wants to do is leave here right now, go to the sleaziest motel in town, and wrap himself around me like a coiled snake.
Leslie Knope: No, he doesn't.
Tammy Two: I'm pretty sure he does.
Ron Swanson: [whimpers]
Leslie Knope: See? He's completely over you.

Ron Swanson: I'm sorry, Leslie. She wins. I can't resist her.
Leslie Knope: God, Ron, you have to.
Tammy Two: Stay out of this. This is our relationship. He's my man. And we have something twisted and beautiful. Oh. You want Ron. That's what this is all about.
Leslie Knope: No. That's insane. Fine, I had one dream. But no, no.
Tammy Two: Baby, don't you see what's happening here? She's manipulating you because she's jealous of me, and the things I get to do to your body and face.
Leslie Knope: I'm here because Ron is my friend, and I don't like seeing my friends miserable. And you, Tammy, you make him miserable. So, Ron, you can give her the lot, or don't, whatever. Just, please, find a way to be happy.

Ron Swanson: Call off the dogs. You and I both know that in my entire adult life, I have never checked a book out of the library.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, she's amazing.
Tammy Two: Ooh... Mmm.
Ron Swanson: I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior would've driven me wild. But I am in a healthy relationship now, Tammy.
Tammy Two: A relationship? With whom?
Ron Swanson: A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.
Tammy Two: Sounds like a real whore.
Ron Swanson: Clear the late charges and cut the crap. Good day.

Tammy Two: Why are you hitting yourself, Glenn? Stop hitting yourself.
Ron Swanson: Tammy, that's enough!
Tammy Two: What? Hey, baby.
Ron Swanson: You almost had me. Again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenseless little man...
Tom: Hey.
Ron Swanson: Reminded me what kind of a monster you are.
Tammy Two: You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the way, last night, I faked four out of the seven.
Ron Swanson: Hmm. So did I.

Tammy Two: Hey, Glenn. Wanna dance?
Tom: No, I'm okay.
Tammy Two: Just one dance?
Tom: No.
Tammy Two: With mommy?

Tammy Two: Well, hello there, Big B- Gross! Leslie? Where's Ron?
Leslie Knope: Too late, Tammy. Ron's gone. [Tammy scoffs] You'll never get him back.
Tammy Two: Wanna bet? That relationship is weak. All I have to do is find Ron within the next few hours, and he's toast.
Leslie Knope: Few hours, you say? [starts the car]
Tammy Two: Leslie! Stop this car! Where are we going?
Leslie Knope: I don't know.
Tammy Two: You're gonna regret this!

Tammy Two: Oh, my God, I am so turned on right now.
Leslie Knope: What is wrong with you?
Tammy Two: Oh, yeah, tell me you're not feeling this.
Leslie Knope: You are so crazy!

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I think it's time to officially retire as Ron's emotional guardian. That's Diane's job now, and she seems more than up to the task. I mean, I'd do anything for Ron, even spend a whole night fighting his crazy ex-wife. But I think I'm safe. She's gotta be tired by now.
Tammy Two: Hi.
Leslie Knope: [screams]

Leslie Knope: So I am here to talk to you about why you should vote "No" in the zoning issue--
Councilman Jamm: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up, little chica. Before we go any further, I need to ask my girlfriend how she wants me to vote.
Leslie Knope: Why? Who's your girlfriend?
Tammy Two: Hello, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Tammy!