Ron Swanson: Chris, Ann wants to ask you something right now. Go, Ann.
Ann: In front of Perd?
Ron Swanson: Yes. No more delays. Go.
Ann: I want to have a baby. Will you be the sperm donor?
Perd Hapley: The story of this situation is it's extremely personal.
Ann: Think it over. Bye.

Dennis Lerpiss: Hello. Welcome to Pawnee Videodome. Today we'll be screening Stanley Kubrick's 1957 classic Paths Of Glory. It's about three men who refuse to go on a suicide mission and are executed for cowardice.
Leslie Knope: Or we could, you know, maybe screen a different movie. One that's a little bit more upbeat. Like Finding Nemo or...
Dennis Lerpiss: I could do, uh, Shoah.
Leslie Knope: Okay, Paths Of Glory it is.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: This is the Pawnee Videodome. And we are here because I started a program to help local business. This is a Pawnee institution. This is the place where Perd Hapley shot his movie review show Lights, Camera, Perd.
[archive clip of Lights, Camera, Perd:]
Perd Hapley: It's a heartwarming story, but it's just not believable. Which is why I give E.T. 1 and 1/2 stars.

Perd Hapley: I'm here live, at a press conference, where Councilman Jeremy Jamm will discuss a government scandal we are calling "Twitter Watergate" until we can find a snappier name for it.

Perd Hapley: This is Perd Hapley talking to you now about what's going on today. We're live at City Hall where City Councilman Dexhart is addressing his latest sex scandal.

Perd Hapley: There you have it. A shockingly unshocking press conference in which a recently unemployed woman said nothing of importance. I'm Perd Hapley, and I just realized I'm not holding my microphone.

Perd Hapley: Leslie, your poll is designed to choose a new slogan. And a slogan is a series of words that have a meaning.
Leslie Knope: [laughs] So true, Perd. All of the choices for the town slogan are wonderful, but if I had to choose my favorite it would probably be "Storied past, bright future."
Perd Hapley: Well, the story of my interest level is: It's medium.

Perd Hapley: The thing we return to now is my Johnny Karate Show return message.

Leslie Knope: Everyone's scattering. Well, look at it this way, bad news comes in threes, right? We're leaving, April and Andy are leaving, Donna's leaving, that's three.
Jerry: Also I'm retiring.
Leslie Knope: That's three, Garry. But we're probably due for some good news.
Perd Hapley: [on TV] Good evening. I come to you tonight with some good news...
Leslie Knope: Hey.
Perd Hapley: Is not a sentence I will be saying to you right now, because beloved Pawnee Mayor Walter Gunderson has died. [all gasp]
Leslie Knope: Well, you jinxed us, Garry. Thanks a lot.

Perd Hapley: And we are back. Now, I understand you brought another guest who is someone who is not either of you.
Leslie Knope: That's right, Perd. Someone who used to be a very popular children's performer in Pawnee.
Andy: Jaaa, Johnny Karate! Whaa! Haaah!

Perd Hapley: Thank you, Johnny Karate for that very inspiring and confusing message. I am now gonna close this little box that you're in and look at some funny photos of doggies.