Perd Hapley: For a female perspective on this scandal, we turn to a woman, Leslie Knope. I'm about to ask you a question right now and that question is this. The lewd photo, just how big a deal is it?
Leslie Knope: Well, frankly, Perd, it's not that big a deal. If you know what I mean.
Perd Hapley: [laughing heartily] I don't know what you mean. But it had the cadence of a joke.
[on TV broadcast:]
Leslie Knope: When men in government behave this way, they betray the public's trust. Maybe it's time for more women to be in charge.
Perd Hapley: There you have it, where "it" is the thing Leslie Knope just said about this situation.

Perd Hapley: Hello, I'm Perd Hapley and welcome to Ya' heard? With Perd. Today's show begins now. Is this art, or is it pornography? Here to answer this question is Parks and Recreation deputy director Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: Perd, it is a beautiful work of art. Governments should not be in the business of censorship, especially when a painting is as awesome as this one.
Perd Hapley: But this is where the controversy of this story gets even more controversial. You are the subject of this painting. Half woman, half horse, with what some would say are human breasts.
Leslie Knope: I am not the subject. The subject is strong and empowered women everywhere. But it... It does look a little bit like me.
Perd Hapley: Leslie, for our viewers at home who might not know, are centaurs real?
Leslie Knope: No.
Perd Hapley: You absolutely sure?

Perd Hapley: Let's begin the show by starting it. Now, Leslie, you claim the Newport campaign stole one of your ideas.
Leslie Knope: Well, uh... They did, they stole our idea. We were working on the Ramp Up Pawnee initiative for many weeks.
Jennifer Barkley: Oh, Perd. This is politics as usual. The fact is, Bobby Newport's plan is better for seniors, better for Pawnee.
Leslie Knope: Well, our plan is more practical, and it's cheaper.
Jennifer Barkley: There she goes again, Perd.
Perd Hapley: [chuckles] I don't know where she went the first time.

Jennifer Barkley: I just think our opposition is losing sight of what all this is about.
Leslie Knope: What this is about is Pawnee, and that is what I care about. What Bobby Newport cares about is romping around on some beach in Spain with a floozy.
Jennifer Barkley: [laughs] Excuse me?
Leslie Knope: Oh, maybe you hadn't heard of it. It wasn't in the New York Times or Le Monde, which is what she reads. It was in the Pawnee papers.
Jennifer Barkley: Bobby Newport's personal life is neither here nor there.
Leslie Knope: It's certainly not here. And I think Pawneeans deserve a city councilor who stays in the city, like I do.
Jennifer Barkley: Well, we were going to keep this secret until we had everything in writing, but Bobby Newport is trying to convince a major European company to open up a factory in Pawnee. And that woman that he is with is an anti-landmine advocate. I didn't realize that you were pro-landmine.
Perd Hapley: I am not here to declare a winner, but Jennifer is the winner.
Jennifer Barkley: Thank you.
Perd Hapley: Now it's time to move onto our next segment, which is a commercial.

Jennifer Barkley: Apparently, Leslie Knope wielded her insider influence and got Councilman Pillner to save her precious department, even though it meant closing the shelter. Now I am not saying that Leslie Knope is a dog murderer, per se, I just think that her actions raise some questions. Like, for example, is she a dog murderer?
Perd Hapley: Well, I don't know the answer to that, Jennifer, but your tone makes me think... Yes.
Jennifer Barkley: Say your good-byes, Pebble... 'Cause "Weswie" Knope gonna kill you.
Ben: Uh, she got the perfect puppy for that shot. She is good.

Joan Callamezzo: What should I do next? Leslie Knope. This question is about Pawnee's park system. Why is Ramsett Park so filthy and awful?
Leslie Knope: It's difficult to get into the complicated problems with Ramsett Park in such a short amount of time.
Perd Hapley: You have 20 seconds.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, okay. I will say that the parks in Pawnee--
Perd Hapley: I do have an update on your time allotment, and that update is that your time is almost gone.
Leslie Knope: I have no more time left?
Perd Hapley: Well, you had some time when I started talking, but by the time I finished, your time was up. Thank you very much.

Perd Hapley: The story of that commercial break is it's over. Leslie, what exactly does "censure" mean?
Leslie Knope: It means that I have been formally disciplined for breaking the law.
Perd Hapley: Well, you know what they say, "You break it, you buy it."
Leslie Knope: That doesn't really apply here.
Perd Hapley: Tell that to the folks at Pier 1, an establishment I'm no longer allowed inside.

Perd Hapley: Wow, strong words from a woman who is trying to pin a piece of paper to her blazer. Next up on the program, we hear from you, our fans, in our new segment, "Are you there, perd-verts? It's me, Perd, hosting a new segment."

Joan Callamezzo: Perd Hapley is here today. Or, as Perd would say, "My name is Perd Hapley, and the person I see here today... is me." [laughter]
Perd Hapley: Everyone seems to be laughing now.

Ann: Christopher. "Chris-toe-fur." It's like you have furry toes.
Chris: [guffaws] Hilarious.
Ann: I have a question... for you. It's something very important. Which is... What is your... Spirit animal?
Chris: Jaguar. Why do you ask?
Ann: Doin' a survey. Well, survey completed. So take 'er easy.
Perd Hapley: Uh, you didn't ask me. But if you had, the answer I would have given is... Doggie.