Joan Callamezzo: Oh, so, Leslie, I hear you're gonna be in front of the camera this year.
Leslie Knope: Yeah. It's exciting.
Joan Callamezzo: Cut the chatter. Telehosting not as easy as it looks, okay? This isn't C-Span. This is Local Access 46. [clicks tongue] Don't blow it.

Joan Callamezzo: Diabetes. Yuck. Tonight we're hoping the people of Pawnee dig their big, chubby hands into their plus-sized pockets and donate generously.
Martin Housely: [as Johnny Carson] Weird, wacky stuff.
Joan Callamezzo: [whispers] Stop it.
Martin Housely: Coming up, a very special video presentation called "Even My Tongue is Fat: The Story of Pawnee." But right now, to begin with, let's start things off on our telethon with a song. From Pawnee's most bookable personality, Denise Yermley!
[Piano plays "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)"]

Joan Callamezzo: Muah-muah-murder. Murdering the most melons. Shaquille showered shame on Shakira's sheets.
Leslie Knope: Hello, Joan.
Joan Callamezzo: Hello, Leslie. Looks like a very impressive festival. But we'll see. We'll see.

Leslie Knope: You remember Ben?
Jerry: Hi. It's nice to see you again.
Leslie Knope: Let's get started. Now the festival is spread throughout the town. But the centerpiece is the carnival. And over here is Indiana's largest corn maze. Ah.
Joan Callamezzo: Is that Pawnee corn or Eagleton corn?
Leslie Knope: Pawnee corn, and it's organic. Over here we have our beautiful ferris wheel.
Joan Callamezzo: Ah, beautiful. But deadly. When was the last time this giant wheel of death was inspected?
Ben: Actually, twice in the last week. And everything is 100% up to code.

Joan Callamezzo: How many of these carnies are illegals?
Leslie Knope: None, they're all U.S. citizens. Over in this booth, Indiana basketball legend Larry Bird's 84-year-old aunt Tilda will be signing autographs for two hours on Thursday.
Joan Callamezzo: You got Tilda?
Leslie Knope: Yeah. We got Tilda. But the real coup is over there. Li'l Sebastian.
Joan Callamezzo: Are you [bleep] kidding me? You got Li'l Sebastian?
Leslie Knope: See for yourself!

Tom: It's Li'l Sebastian. He's gone. Jerry let him escape and we don't know where he is.
Joan Callamezzo: [Keep those cameras up. We've got a new intro to do. [to Leslie] Gotcha. Let's go ahead, let's get some shots of chipped paint and crying babies. How about some of those spooky traffic lights. Okay, you know the drill.

Joan Callamezzo: When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should model.
Tom: [gasps]
Ben: That never happened.
Tom: So, Joan, how is married life treating you? Your husband still know he's the luckiest man in the world?
Joan Callamezzo: Santino and I are divorcing.
Tom: Oh.
Joan Callamezzo: It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual appetite. I'm like a caged peacock, yearning for the wind on her haunches.
Ben: That's a powerful metaphor.
Tom: Maybe we can get that book club sticker in order, and we can work on unlockin' that peacock cage.
Joan Callamezzo: Things have changed, Tom. Don't make any promises you can't keep. I'll have another drink, and so will this adorable hunk of caramel to my right. Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... Amongst other things. [chuckles] If you know what I mean. [trips] Crap.
Ben: Is she gonna powder her vagina?

Joan Callamezzo: Take me home, dumpling. It's beddy time.
Tom: Ah. Hey, Ben. You like Star Trek. Talk about that for a little bit.
Ben: They're making a sequel... I'm assuming with the same alternate timeline. But if J.J. Abrams and company expect us to believe that it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk... Well, let's just say, the message boards are goin' nuts.
Joan Callamezzo: I wanna take you both home and [bleep] bend you over and just [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep] at the same time. Whoo!
Ben: I'm leaving.

Joan Callamezzo: This question about public safety comes from Twitter because apparently, that's something that happens now. @munchmeat2015 asks, "Pawnee used 2 b safe. Some1 stole my car. What will u do 2 make Pawnee safe & can u help me find my car?"
Fester Trim: I can assure you, if you had a gun mounted on the dashboard, which automatically shot people trying to break into it, you would still have your car. [light applause]
Bobby Newport: You know, I guess I would like to tell Mr. Munchmeat that I think that stinks that happened to him. You know, one time a guy stole some downhill skis out of my jeep. And I was so mad, I punched a mailbox. I'm against crime, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. [applause]

Joan Callamezzo: Mr. Newport, rebuttal.
Bobby Newport: I know this. If something is dirty, we should clean it up. Let's start there. [applause] Right? You know what, I had this cleaning lady named Yolanda who was very wise. She basically raised me. And one day she said, "Little Bobby, I'm not going to clean your room no mas." And from that day on, my room was gross. Really bummed me out. I think we should make our parks look like my room after Yolanda finally, you know, gave in and cleaned it up for me.
Leslie Knope: If I may, Joan. That's a very sweet story, Bobby, but not all of us have Yolandas who can clean up our room for us. Some of us believe that you need to roll up your sleeves and do the hard work yourself. [applause]
Brandi Maxxxx: I'd just like to say that, like Leslie, I don't have people do my work for me. Leslie and I do our work ourselves. My work, of course, is having sex with men and women on camera.
Joan Callamezzo: Once again, Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same person.