Joan Callamezzo: I can honestly say today's guest is the only person in this town who's a bigger deal than I am. [laughs] Please welcome lifestyle guru Annabel Porter.
Annabel Porter: Hello, hello. It's me. I'm here.
Joan Callamezzo: Yes, you are.
Annabel Porter: Hi.
Joan Callamezzo: Can I just say, as a journalist, I feel like we're best friends. Tell the audience about yourself.
Annabel Porter: Well, I'm just a simple former phonebook model who found her calling. You know, I'm not perfect. The average woman worries about what she looks like in a bathing suit. So does my nanny. So I get it.
Joan Callamezzo: Annabel, what trends are... Pardon the pun, but... Trending?
Annabel Porter: First of all, Mozambique cashmere is the new cast-iron stove.
Joan Callamezzo: Of course.
Annabel Porter: I have found some amazing new conflict-free paella recipes, and, luckily, my favorite fishmonger now makes house calls.
Joan Callamezzo: Thank God.
Donna: Finally.
Annabel Porter: But my fave new item is a deliciously bold chair... By local artist Ron Swanson.
Joan Callamezzo: Ron Swanson is here. He will be joining us after the break, so stick around.
Ron Swanson: Did that woman call my chair "delicious"?

Marcia Langman: Leslie Knope exemplifies the feminist attack on our values. She could learn a little something about traditional family structure from me and my husband, Marshall.
Marshall Langman: Um, fierce alert! Eat 'em up, honey!
Elise Yarktin: The idea that feminism is an attack on family values is absurd.
Joan Callamezzo: Ooh, so you're defending Leslie Knope.
Elise Yarktin: No. Absolutely not. Frankly, I don't think she's done enough to distance herself from this misogynistic lunacy.
Joan Callamezzo: Let's turn, now, to Sasha Dunkirk. She is head of the group Women Against Feminism.
Kipp Bunthart: What a surprise! The woman is only talking to other women. Can we have one conversation about feminism where men get to be in charge?
Sasha Dunkirk: I actually agree with him.
Kipp Bunthart: I don't need your pity.
Brandi Maxxxx: Joan, Leslie Knope and I are united in our disgust of this week's events. Leslie, if you're watching, I, Brandi Maxxxx, star of 69 Jump Street and 50 Shaved Old Gays, have your back.

Joan Callamezzo: Good evening and welcome to the 10th annual Pawnee Cares Diabetes Telethon. I'm Pawnee today's Joan Callamezzo.
Martin Housely: [as Nixon] And I am not a crook. Brr.
Joan Callamezzo: No, he's not.

Joan Callamezzo: And now you're involved with this. Do I smell another disaster, hopefully?
Ben: Look, Joan, this festival, thanks to the tireless efforts of Leslie Knope, is going to bring people nothing but happiness. Not even I could screw that up.
Joan Callamezzo: I'm a reporter, not your therapist.

Joan Callamezzo: Hi. Joan Callamezzo.
Ben: Oh, yeah. Hi. Ben Wyatt. W-we've met.
Joan Callamezzo: I don't think so.
Ben: Yeah, I was on your show.
Joan Callamezzo: Nope. [chuckles]

Joan Callamezzo: [sings] Let's hear it for the boys. Whoo!
Ben: Wow. That was as long as it was loud.

Joan Callamezzo: All right, let's burn this candle.
Leslie Knope: Joan, if we could just have a moment. We need to get ready.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh, no, no. We gotta go. Yeah, the uppers are kicking in. Just took some ludes to kind of smooth it out, so I'm right in that sweet spot. Got about 20 minutes before I either get really tired or really horny, so let's roll.

Joan Callamezzo: Doug and Rosie DeMarco, 50 years.
Mr. DeMarco: [drinks water] Ahh.
Joan Callamezzo: Tell us how you first met.
Mrs. DeMarco: Well, it was 1963, and we met, and it was great. [laughs]
Leslie Knope: Isn't love grand? 50 years of marriage, helping to bridge the meaningless divide between Pawnee and Eagleton.
Joan Callamezzo: Yeah, my show, my questions.

[aside to camera:]
April: Joan has always been kind of a train wreck, but the last three years, she's gone off the deep end. She did a string of shows from rehab.
[TV clip:]
Joan Callamezzo: Victoria Herzog, you were a successful attorney from Wilmington, Delaware. Then you hit rock bottom.
Victoria Herzog: This is supposed to be anonymous.
[back:]
April: She once gave every member in her audience a car. One car, that they all had to fight for. Oh, and last year she did a show where she called all of her ex-boyfriends while sitting on a washing machine.
[TV clip:]
Joan Callamezzo: Well, Erik, if you didn't give it to me, then who did?
[back:]
April: I love her so much. I hope she's my real mom.