Ben: So, Joan, during this tough time, we just wanna make sure that people in Pawnee and across Indiana are making use of every available resource for support.
Joan Callamezzo: I agree with that. Times like these remind me of why I got into news. People need a voice that they can trust. [sings] Especially One with the voice of an angel A legend among icons.

Ben: Uh, Leslie and I just wanna make sure that people are focusing on their mental health as well as their physical health.
Leslie Knope: Especially those who live alone. People who've spent a lot of time on their own without human contact. Do you have someone you can talk to, Joan?
Joan Callamezzo: Yes. A few years ago, I accused Jennifer Lopez of stealing my look, and I got into quite a back and forth with her attorney.
Leslie Knope: No. Friends, Joan.
Joan Callamezzo: Look around. I'm surrounded by friends. Every night, I do a show for them called "Joan on Joan for Joan". I recount legendary Joan Callamezzo moments like how I scored my EGOT.
Ben: You have an EGOT?
Joan Callamezzo: Yes. I've been banned from all four ceremonies. [jazzy music plays] That's it for today. The show is two minutes long now. All right. Bye.

Joan Callamezzo: And I am legendary newswoman Joan Callamezzo, newly single. It's time for opening statements.

Joan Callamezzo: Guess who?
Tom: Uh... Megan Fox? One of the Desperate Housewives?
Joan Callamezzo: No, Joan Callamezzo.
Tom: Hey, Joanie! What's up, gorgeous? Good to see you.
Leslie Knope: Tom comes on the show all the time. Joan loves him.
[TV clip:]
Tom: You have the softest skin of any woman in Pawnee.
Joan Callamezzo: Thank you.
Tom: I wish you could reach, from your TV screen, and just touch Joan's skin for a second.
Joan Callamezzo: That's sweet. You'd have a treat. You're pretty soft yourself.
Tom: How are your kids doing?
Joan Callamezzo: They're pretty good.
Tom: Is it tough for them to have a mother that is so beautiful? What's it like being the most attractive woman in Pawnee?
Joan Callamezzo: You keep up those funnies, I'm gonna have to invite you over for supper.
Tom: Well, I'll have to come over for supper.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh! You must.

Tom: Can I get you a drink?
Joan Callamezzo: I'll have the Joan. It's a tumbler of gin, and it's got crushed aspirin around the rim.
Perd Hapley: And I would just like an empty glass.

Joan Callamezzo: [on TV] We are here looking at a videotape. This is back in April, 2005. We see here we're looking at Councilman Dexhart.
Ann: Leslie, you should see this.
Joan Callamezzo: And he's now about to shake hands with Leslie knope, the alleged sex toy.
Leslie Knope: Oh, for cripes sake.
Donnie Rotger: [on TV] Look at the way she's smiling at him. And then almost unconsciously touching her hands to her hips. See that? Right there. It's like she's sending him a message that she's ready for childbearing.
Joan Callamezzo: Wow.

Joan Callamezzo: [on TV] We just received these exclusive photos. We have pictures of city councilman Dexhart...
Leslie Knope: Oh, my god! I cannot believe it!
Donnie Rotger: [on TV] The big issue now is who is this mystery woman? She and knope are standing very close to each other. And anytime you see two women standing very close to each other, you immediately assume...
Ann: No, no, don't say it. Please don't say it.
Donnie Rotger: Lesbian.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh, of course.

Joan Callamezzo: Sex. Drugs, possibly. Rock and roll? We'll find out on Pawnee Today's exclusive interview with the woman at the center of the Dexhart sex scandal, Leslie Knope. Leslie, my first question has to be when did the affair start?
Leslie Knope: Joan, I spoke with Councilman Dexhart for the first time that night. We met for about 15 minutes, and then I went home alone, and that's the whole story.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, Leslie, we all saw the tape from four years ago, and you were flashing some serious "Do me" eyes. That's just my opinion.
Leslie Knope: I don't understand why I'm on trial here. You should be grilling Councilman Dexhart.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh, you know what, that's a really good idea. Uh, let's bring him out. Councilman, come on out.
Councilman Dexhart: Hi, sweetie.
Leslie Knope: Why didn't you tell me he was gonna be here?
Joan Callamezzo: I thought it'd be more exciting.
Councilman Dexhart: You look great.
Joan Callamezzo: [laughs] It's like I'm invisible.

Joan Callamezzo: We've all heard the old saying, "Parks are supposed to be fun," but sometimes muggers have their own ideas. Leslie Knope is with us again from the parks department. Leslie. Tell us your story.
Leslie Knope: This is my coworker Jerry Gergich. Diabetic, sloppily out of shape, friend. He was mugged this morning in Ramsett Park. Who's next? Your frumpy uncle? Your simple neighbor? Your unpopular coworker? Head of security Carl Lorthner is doing his best to keep the parks safe, but he's failing.
Joan Callamezzo: So what is the solution to fix this? To make it right and not bad?
Leslie Knope: We need money from City Hall, and it's not coming through. And, Pawnee, I am sorry to say this but your government is failing you.
Joan Callamezzo: Up next, ten objects you didn't know you can eat.

Joan Callamezzo: That segment was a disaster! Don't you ever [bleep] me like that again. This is Pawnee [bleep] today. Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on its hinders for you? You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my sight.
Leslie Knope: Yes, ma'am. Go. Go. No, no, no.
Joan Callamezzo: [to Carl] Don't make me chase you. You want to go eat something.
Carl Lorthner: [softly] Okay.