April: Hey. Good morning.
Ron Swanson: Why are there six people outside who say they're waiting to meet with me?
April: So you know how you love me because you haven't had a single meeting with anyone since I became your assistant? That's because every time someone calls and requests a meeting with you, I always schedule it for March 31st.
Ron Swanson: Why?
April: Because I didn't think March 31st existed. [sings] 30 days has September, April, March, and November
Ron Swanson: June and November. Today is March 31st.
April: I know.

Ann: I thought you might like a fresh set of pillows.
April: Are you trying to smother me? Help! The slutty nurse is trying to smother me to death with a pillow!
Ann: Okay, never mind.
April: Stay back, slut.

April: [aside to camera] I have one sister. We steal each other's stuff, hack each other's Twitter accounts, set each other's clothes on fire. There are no rules.

April: [on the phone] Hello, is this Mrs. Gallivan? Well, my name is April, and wouldn't you know it, I'm raising money for a city council candidate I believe in. [cut] No, mira, mira, mira, mira, mira. It's, like, whatever you want. Like, $10. It don't matter. [cut; in Southern accent:] Well, I reckon it's just like grammy Martha told me and my cousins, "You can't eat the biscuits if you don't pay for the flour." [laughs, mouths words]

April: I hate doing Leslie's job. I'm filling in for a person who smiles 90% of the time. Tom, can you please help me? Please? Or just do it?
Tom: Come on, 'lil Sparkle. Don't give up. What does Leslie always say?
April: I don't know, weird stuff about waffles.

April: Hello, everyone. I'm April Ludgate from the Parks Department. And welcome to a public forum about the Pawnee Commons. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said to Betty Ford... "Hillary Clinton is great." Now, if you all would kindly look under your chairs, you will find a special surprise, a flyer with details about the project, and friendship bands that I've made for each and every one of you. So now, I guess we're Park Pals.

April: I'm gonna tell you a secret about everyone else's job.
Andy: Okay.
April: No one knows what they're doing. I don't know how to run an animal control department. Half the documents I get I put right into the shredder because they're so boring.
Andy: But you seem like you do know what you're doing.
April: Yeah, I seem like it. Deep down, everyone is just faking it until they figure it out. And you will too, because you are awesome and everyone else sucks.

Man: I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson.
April: I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's currently dead.
Man: Oh.
April: I'm his daughter. April Swanson. And it's his last wish that I have this meeting with you.

Leslie Knope: Okay, youth committee. Update on the unity concert. Madison.
Madison: So far, 12 bands have said yes. And we asked them all to submit a song for the new town anthem contest.
April: I think we should book Orin as a headliner. I think it's a no-brainer. Um, he dislocates his shoulder to the music of Billy Joel. The Pawnee Journal called it, "Why would anyone do this?"
Leslie Knope: Stop suggesting Orin.

Ann: This is a lovely party thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. There's no place for meanies.
April: Aw, forget it, I'm coming in. Ow! Get off me.
Ann: Wait. [laughs] You're so weak, really? [April groans] I mean, I'm barely even doing anything. Are you iron-deficient? Let me look at your palm.
April: Ow. It's because of your man strength, Man Perkins.