April: Okay. So, this is a multimedia project. First, a bunch of rats made out of garbage. And this is a TV screen. It'll be like a big, flat-screen TV, and it will play looped video of knee surgeries. And then this is a human-sized hamster wheel that will be next to the mural if we can get one. And it will be spinning and there will be, like, a fat guy in it all the time, like, screaming and, like, eating raw beef and, like, bleeding. And, like, blood will, like, come out of his mouth and stuff. And that'll be, like, right next to the mural.
Leslie Knope: I have one question. Why?
April: If you have to ask, you don't get it.

Woman: There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red tape.
April: Mm. This gridlock drives me nuts.
Woman: Tell me about it.
April: Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, you know? Go right to the commissioner on this one.
Woman: You know what, I hadn't thought of that. That is a really great idea.
April: Yeah?
Woman: I'm gonna do that.
April: Okay. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council.
Woman: Good luck there. [chuckles]
April: Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
[aside to camera:]
April: I have no idea what I was saying.

April: [aside to camera] I was getting kind of sick of listening to Tom and Ann talk about their relationship, but then I remembered that alcohol existed. Thank you, alcohol.

April: [aside to camera] My piece is truly going to capture the spirit of Pawnee. [searches a dumpster]

[aside to camera:]
Ann: Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to four seconds with April.
[back:]
Ann: Hey, April. I was looking to get some new music, and I was wondering if you could recommend anything.
April: The Internet.
[later:]
Ann: I really like your haircut. W-w-where'd you get it?
April: Prison.
[later:]
Ann: How's your sister doin'?
April: She has the shingles.
[later:]
Ann: Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City?
April: Alf.

April: [aside to camera] These are the Black-eyed Peas. And I finally killed them. It's a Christmas miracle.

April: Do you live here?
Ron Swanson: April?
April: Yeah. Do you live here?
Ron Swanson: No.
April: Catch. [throws a sharpie] Yeah, I thought so. I went home, but I had this strange feeling that there was something wrong with you, so I came back.
Ron Swanson: It's just a minor medical issue.
April: AIDS?
Ron Swanson: No. I'm safe.
April: Blindness?
Ron Swanson: No.
April: Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee?
Ron Swanson: I have a hernia.
April: Do you have syphilis?
Ron Swanson: I said it's a hernia.
April: I know. It's possible to have two things.

Host: Okay, folks, just a couple more contestants, and then the judges will decide our next Miss Pawnee, a winner of $600 in gift certificates to Big Archie's Sporting Goods and Emerson Fencing Company.
April: What? We don't get cash? This is for a fence?
Host: Well, it won't cover a whole fence. But it will defray the cost considerably!
April: Oh, my God. I quit. I quit. [walks off stage]
Host: Okay, I guess she really is quitting.
[aside to camera:]
April: No, I didn't win. But at least I didn't make any new friendships.

April: [to camera] Is it weird that my feelings are hurt that no one's found any dirt on me yet? Hello! I drove a riding lawn mower through a Nordstrom! There's video that I took! It's on the Internet. Nothing.

April: You know, if I gave you a hickey, it would totally make Ann jealous.
Andy: I don't know, I think that would... That's pretty gross. Seems kind of weird.
April: What's weird about one friend sucking on another friend's neck?
Andy: When you put it that way, it doesn't sound that weird at all.
April: Yeah, it's not. I gave my gay boyfriend's boyfriend a hickey and it totally made my gay boyfriend jealous.