Nick: Reason 13: I like my stuff and I hate her stuff. Reason number 14: How am I ever gonna change my clothes?
Schmidt: You don't change in front of your girlfriend? You get naked in front of her.
Nick: Yes, but those are different things. When you're naked, you're powerful and it's glorious. When you're changing, you're hunched over and cowering, like an animal.
Schmidt: Animals don't wear clothes, Nick.

Schmidt: Look, I know you don't trust my dad, but I'm happy that he's here. We're working through stuff.
Nick: Wait, Schmidt, I want you to have a relationship with your father. I really do, but I've been down this road so many times. He just shows up out of the boo, and then all of a sudden expects...
Schmidt: It's "blue". It's "blue."
Nick: Well, thanks, Eye-stein.

Schmidt: How do you think this is your towel? Do you even wash it?
Nick: No, I don't wash the towel; the towel washes me. Who washes a towel?
Julia: You never wash...?
Nick: You wash your towel?
Schmidt: You never wash the towel?
Nick: What am I going to do? Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap? You got to think here, pal.
Schmidt: I'm furious right now.
Nick: I get out of the damn shower, I'm clean as a damn baby, and I use the towel.
Schmidt: Let me ask you this. Have you been wearing my underpants?
Nick: Sometimes, yeah. Who cares? [Schmidt gags] You guys don't wear each other's underpants? You're lying. We all wear each other's underwear.

Nick: I'm not going to go tomorrow. I'd rather not, because I don't want to get an ultrasound. I just don't have time. No, I've got some writing I got to do. The truth is, with working out, I've got some people to see, so I just can't make it. I lost a stamp. It sounds worse than it is, but it's a somewhat expensive stamp and I had planned on looking for it. One of the reasons I moved to Los Angeles was to get closer to whales, so I can record them. I haven't gotten around to it because where we live is actually east. It's way farther from the ocean than I expected. I appreciate your concern. It is really sweet. It's nice. But this machine's still kicking, you know?

Jess: You want me to get real and stop being all cutesy and whatever, fine. Let's get real. You don't do anything. What did you want to do? I mean, isn't there something you wanted to accomplish?
Nick: Hey, I've done things. I wrote half a book about zombies.
Jess: Okay, just tell me. If you could do anything, what would you do?
Nick: You know, I'm the guy who... I can't just jump into something if I don't know what's gonna happen. I never have been that guy. Like, I'm the, I'm the guy that, if I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't do something. Ever. I don't care how bad I want to do it. I don't do it. Like, if everybody would go into the ocean and jumped in the water, well, I'm the guy on the beach guarding the wallets.

Jess: But you've always wanted a thing. This could be your thing, like, the guy with no phone.
Nick: Well, who is that guy? I don't want to be that guy.
Jess: No, no, no, it's like mysterious. It's like, "I want to call Nick Miller." "You can't. He doesn't have a phone." "What?!" You can go all Ghost Protocol on everyone.
Nick: See, that's cool. I mean, I always wanted to be a mole person.

Nick: Oh, really? Is there another guy on Twilight, that there's a bit of a love triangle with?
Bob Day: Yes. It's the same as Twilight...
Nick: Does Twilight have a wolf in it?
Bob Day: Yes.
Nick: It does?
Bob Day: Yes.
Nick: Is Twilight in Seattle?
Bob Day: Yes!
Nick: Well, then whoever wrote that is smart.

Jess: Oh, Nick, go, go! We're gonna lose them! You keep nerd-stopping at every sign!
Nick: Look, if I get another ticket, they're gonna make me wear eyeglasses.

Jess: Cece still hasn't called me. Do you think you could test my phone again?
Nick: I can't. I don't have any more minutes.
Jess: Minutes, Nick?! Who still has minutes on their phone?!
Nick: I bought 10,000 minutes in 1999 and I'm still using them. I'm sorry.

Nick: I don't even know. I don't know what's cool anymore.
Jess: It could be a good time to start a bank account.
Nick: Yeah, or I could just flush it down the toilet.
Jess: It's not really the same thing, but-
Nick: A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls. That's all it is. I'm gonna keep my money where my mouth is. Um, under my nose. That saying actually does work.