Winston: Nick, my man, looking good.
Schmidt: New set of PJs?
Nick: I know what you're doing. You're blowing hot air up in between my butt cheeks. And I'm no idiot. I know
I was let go 'cause of the dang old machine. Story as old as time. A new piece of technology comes around, and all the peasants freak out. But one prince knows what's going on, and he says: "Don't trust the technology!" And all you peasants trust it, and then the machine becomes self-aware and destroys you all. And then, I become the loneliest prince of all, laughing in my golden tower.
Schmidt: Isn't that a movie?
Nick: Maybe I stole that from War Games, yeah.
Schmidt: Short Circuit.
Nick: No, it isn't.
Winston: Man, you know what's a good movie? Splash.
Cece: I don't know what is happening.

Jess: "Upmost"? There's only one person I know that says "upmost". It's "utmost".
Nick: "Utmost"?
Jess: "Utmost".
Nick: [chuckles] Agree to disagree. But the good news is my writer's block is gone, and that is thanks to you. You always come through for me, Jess, to the upmost.
Jess: I assure you, it's "utmost".
Nick: What's an "ut"? Come on, you're a writer. It's "up". Up to the most. Not ut to the most. I assure you.
Jess: Okay, sweetie.
Nick: You didn't come in here and say, "Thanks for putting them ut to it." I would've laughed you out of here. What is an "ut"?!

Nick: Don't mean to interrupt, I just hear you're the best teacher of adults?
Jess: Oh, no.
Nick: I wonder if there's room for one more?
Jess: No!
Nick: How you guys doing? I'm Julius Pepperwood.
Jess: Not now, okay?
Nick: I'm an ex-cop, ex-Marine. I'm here to learn how to write short fiction.
Jess: Oh, okay, Julius, just... take a seat and, um, keep small.
Nick: I'm from Chicago. Thin-crust pizza? No, thank you. I'm from Chicago.

Bill Berklan: So, are you gonna sit, or?
Nick: No, I'm gonna stand. 'Cause isn't that what we are doing? Standing... for the little guy?
Schmidt: [quietly] What is the plan?
Nick: Injustice! [drops screws in Schmidt's hand] I will not stand for it. That is why I will sit right now. I will sit down in this chair... [puts feet on table, falls back] You're negligent! Aah! Get off me! My neck! My neck!
Bill Berklan: Seriously? The fall-down on the chair bit? Is this your first case?
Nick: Yes, it is. And that is why I'll file petition on petition. You're gonna wake up in the morning to paperwork. You're gonna go to bed at night to paperwork. So how about this, gentlemen? You pay the $20,000 settlement to your client yourself, and you'll never see our faces again. What do you call a lunatic who's only got one case and no hobbies? Your worst nightmare.

Nick: I feel like one of those characters in the show Sax and the City talking about this.
Winston: Oh, no, you mean, um, uh, Sex and the City.
Nick: I'm talking about the one with the four ladies in a jazz band.
Winston: That's not a show.
Nick: Carrie, Miranda...
Winston: No.
Nick: The other one and the older one.
Winston: You're thinking of Sex and the City.
Nick: They would never allow that 'cause of the title.

Nick: But if it goes poorly, I'm not putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Schmidt: Am I Humpty Dumpty?
Nick: Yeah. I'm just not doing it again.
Schmidt: You won't have to.
Nick: Also, nowhere in that rhyme does it say he's an egg.
Schmidt: He's most definitely an egg, Nick.
Nick: So, what kind of king uses all those resources to put together one egg?
Schmidt: It's a parable. Humpty Dumpty is the king.
Nick: Who told you that?

Nick: Back to the basics, Schmidt. Okay, there's only seven types of stories.
Schmidt: Please, don't list them.
Nick: I'm gonna list them. Man vs. Man, Man vs. Dog, Dog vs. Zombie, James Bond, stories of kings and lords, women over 50 finding themselves after divorce, and car commercial.
Winston: My favorite is, uh, that Toyota, Uh... Ev-every... the family's in the car...
Nick: You're thinking of the food commercial.
Schmidt: Really? Fat boy talks to idiot.
Nick: Okay, eight, fat boy talks to idiot.

Nick: And I read that authors should all have a strong look, so I found four authors with strong looks, and I combined them. Tom Wolfe: white suit. Hunter S. Thompson: yellow sunglasses. David Foster Wallace: bandana. Toni Morrison: The Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Jess: Guys, whatever it is going on between you two needs to end now, so we can go back in there and celebrate the life of a cat, who, by the way, loved you both like sons. Now, what is it? Nick, are you mad 'cause Coach said something bad about wolves? Coach, are you mad 'cause he still thinks that the movie should be called Paul Blop: Mall Cop?
Nick: It should be. It's so close to rhyming perfectly. They gave up.
Coach: Blart is an actual last name. "Blop" is a sound effect.
Nick: I need to get out of this situation before I get very angry.

Nick: Stop! I have feelings. I didn't like when you did the Captain. It made me feel... bad.
Jess: Okay, I've I've never seen this sober before.
Nick: Stop, it's my turn. You talk too much and it frustrates me. Sometimes you talk even after you've fallen asleep. How do you breathe? Where do you get the words? But it doesn't matter, Jess, because I like you a lot. But maybe do that less, okay?
Jess: Nick, I just feel... Sorry. I'm so sorry. Just keep going.
Nick: I don't know. Um, I really like the instrument of the cello. I like the cello a lot, and I don't talk about it a lot but I should because I feel very passionate about it. It's a beautiful instrument. It's like a guitar but it stands up. I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo, and I cried hysterically. And then I bought one of those stretched out pennies that you can get to remember it and then I lost that and I cried again. Sometimes when I smell dust in like an attic or something, like that mothy, dusty, I think about my mother. When I was 14, I saw my mother change, and I saw her whole body naked without underpants on. I really like when a rap song uses a choir. It makes me feel really happy when all those ladies' voices come in and then the guy's rapping. I think it's awesome.