Nick: Okay, I know for a fact... that this was the most attractive man in America for ten years. [holds up a Cheers publicity photo of Ted Danson] I know that because magazines told me so. But... Okay... Hey, Donovan, could you copy that? You guys don't look anything alike.
Donovan: Okay.
Nick: Okay.

Winston: Nick, please, that dude is hot as hell, man. He is a member of the Hall of Fine. He's more attractive than Joe Mangaroni. Manga... Joe Menden...
Nick: Who are you thinking of?
Winston: Magic Mike's friend.
Cece: Oh, he's married to that...
Nick: Yeah, J Lo.
Nick: Joe Mangallini.
Winston: Joe Mangallini. He's more attractive than Joe Mangallini.

Schmidt: I'm fat!
Jess: I'm ready!
Schmidt: Look at this scarf. I used to be able to wrap this scarf...
Jess: You go first.
Schmidt: exactly... two and a half times, and the plaid layers would blend seamlessly.
Jess: Scarf looks fine, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Now the blend is several degrees from seamless, a... as you can see. I've gained six pounds, maybe six and a half, I'm sure of it.
Cece: Honey, you look exactly the same to me.
Jess: Are you implying you gained six pounds in your neck?
Schmidt: I let my gym membership lapse when we were planning the wedding. Now instead of a chiseled ten, I'm a dumpy seven breathin' down six's back. But it's fine. I just have to find a new gym.