Cece: All right. Confession. I did not sleep with Ken, either. Yeah, we started hooking up and then I called him... Schmidt.
Jess: That's okay. It happens.
Cece: Twice.
Jess: Whatever.
Cece: Four times.
Jess: Okay, that's bad.
Cece: I know, I felt so bad afterwards, I straightened up his room. I am a grown woman that is in love with her ex-boyfriend that has a girlfriend. And I've been stealing my neighbor's Wi-Fi. I mean, what have I become?

Jess: Mrs. Parikh? Please, wait. Stop. Look. [sighs] It was my idea. I thought we could sway you with the power of dance.
Priyanka: You really think a dance is all it takes?
Cece: Mom, I know that Schmidt is not what you imagined. Or what I imagined. I never thought I would fall for the slim-hipped ghost of Tom Cruise.
Jess: None of us did.
Schmidt: Quiet, Chair.
Cece: But I love him. He makes me so happy, and I'm gonna marry him.
Priyanka: I will not give my blessing.

Cece: Look, I-I know that you have a "no return" policy, but you have to take this dress back, okay? I look like a rich person in The Hunger Games.

Philip: Ah. Mr. Schmidt. May I offer you a beverage? Perhaps an organic cucumber vodka spritzer?
Schmidt: Yes.
Cece: It is so beautiful. I feel like I'm inside Cate Blanchett.
Philip: We get that a lot.

Cece: We met... crying over the same name at the Vietnam Memorial. George... Harrison... Ford.
Schmidt: Wha...?
Cece: Who was our grandfather.
Schmidt: What? Making us cousins?
Cece: Making us cousins, because there is nothing more romantic than forbidden love.
Schmidt: Between family members? I mean, that's... You're gonna double down with that?
Cece: Yes, I am.
Schmidt: He's writing "cousins" down.
Cece: That's a positive thing.
Schmidt: No, it's not.

Cece: The very fact that socks exist is proof that shoes don't work.

Cece: Every woman has a "Tuesday meeting" they haven't been invited to. How many times in your life have you been excluded from something important or talked over or ignored because you're the only woman in the room? It was different when I was running my own company, but ever since we joined with GKM, I've had to start dealing with this male-pattern dumbness.
[flashback:]
Ken: Ugh. What is that?
Cece: It's a breast pump, Ken. I said I needed time to pump, and you refused to change the meeting, so here we are. Now, for the jeans campaign. Which one of these guys says, "I'm having fun in Toronto"? [pumping continues]
[present:]
Cece: So, for half an hour, they had to sit there and watch me get milked like a freaking cow.
Jess: Oh, yeah, your nipples looked like pizza bagels in that thing.
Cece: Yeah, they do.

Cece: Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I was a little bit moody while I was creating life with my body. Aly, can you believe this?
Aly: Well...
Cece: Well?
Aly: Okay, d-don't be mad, but I have never, ever seen anyone be pregnant the way that you were pregnant. So much so that, for evidence, I decided to capture it on my phone.
Cece: [on phone video] What genius got us a Jolly Jumper? Who got us the Jol... Okay, Vandana Auntie, way to go. You see, we already have a Jolly Jumper. So put the tuna salad down. Put it down! Tuna salad is for people who use the registry. Boo! Everybody boo. Why are you not booing?!

Cece: I really miss the old days when I would just drop in every now and then and pick up a suitcase or something.

Cece: You know what, every compromise doesn't have to be 50-50. I've been looking at cabinets online. They all look exactly the same to me.
Schmidt: No, they don't.
Cece: They really do. Birch, walnut, mahogany, fiberglass, stainless steel.
Schmidt: You can't tell the difference between metal and wood?