Nick: Bob!
Bob Day: You. It's... you.
Nick: Nick.
Bob Day: Right. Nick. How could I forget that? Sorry to interrupt you. Wilson let me in. Well, what are you doing with that? That, uh, looks like lady food.

Bob Day: Let's do this. Okay, you ready? Scrunch together. There we go. No... uh, Rick, move one step to your right.
Nick: Me?
Bob Day: Yes, one step to your right. One more step to your right.
Nick: I can't go much further.
Bob Day: One more step to your right. Until you get into the hallway, and then, once you get in the hallway...
Nick: No, I see what you're doing, dude. Very funny, buddy.
Jess: Dad. Dad, Dad, we have to go...
Bob Day: ...go directly to the Chinatown trash can where you got that suit.

Jess: Dad. Thanks for waiting.
Bob Day: I wasn't waiting. I just can't get this damn thing started.
Jess: You're just pressing buttons.
Bob Day: This was supposed to be a big weekend for me and Ashley. I had everything planned. I... I even wrote new lyrics to our... our song. [sings] Ashley, marry me... [Jess starts the car] Y... you didn't have to do that, you know. I can take care of myself.
Jess: Can you? Dad, if I hadn't protected you after you and Mom's divorce, you would've ended up with Nancy Zimmerman.
Bob Day: Oh, Nancy Zimmerman.
Jess: She was bad news, Dad.
Bob Day: Ooh, v... very bad. You don't know the half of it. That woman made me try cocaine in 2005.
Jess: What, Dad?! Booger sugar?
Bob Day: Yes. Nicaraguan yazz.
Jess: Are you kidding me?
Bob Day: It was a very expensive evening. I wound up buying his and her Jet Skis.

Jess: "Deciding which house to go to for Thanksgiving, she was stuck in a real parent trap."
Bob Day: Enough. Enough. Enough.
Jess: Oh, you're right. This chapter's dragging. Let me move on.
Bob Day: Jess, please. I-I need my freedom. I need my judge shows, my fish sticks. My-my naked time.
Jess: Oh, please don't expand on that.
Bob Day: No, it's a good thing. Ashley showed me how to embrace my body. And I... every day, for about a half an hour, I walk around here naked. Fabulous.
Jess: Did you sit on this chair?

Bob Day: Isn't this fun? Remember, we used to come here all the time, every time you won a tennis match.
Jess: That was your other daughter.
Bob Day: Oh, yeah, yeah. You-You were always in a production of Annie, but never Annie, though.

Bob Day: I should have known right from the start. On our honeymoon, we're in the ocean, a-a-and Ashley sees a shark coming towards us. You know what she does? She pushes me in front of it and says, "Eat him! Eat him!"
Jess: What?
Bob Day: That-that was a clue. That was a clue.
Jess: I just hate thinking of you all alone in that house.
Bob Day: I'm fine. I got my cans. Gets me out of bed in the morning.

Bob Day: Hey, hey, Jess, Jess! I've been trying to call you. I-I talked to Nick.
Jess: What?
Bob Day: He called looking for you, and... you know, oddly, I-I see what you see in him.
Jess: It doesn't matter. He has a girlfriend.
Bob Day: He and Reagan broke up. And you know something? I don't even think he realizes it, but he's still in love with you.

Nick: [on the phone] Bob, I can't do it tonight. I'm sorry, but this thing has been ten years in the making, and everything about the proposal has to be perfect. And I'll know when the time is right.
Bob Day: You know what? I'm rescinding my blessing. You want to marry my daughter? You got to resubmit for a new blessing. And it better be as good as the first time you asked.
Nick: [sighs] Okay. Bob, I am in love with your daughter, and I will be for the rest of my life. I want to ask her to marry me, but only with your blessing.
Bob Day: All right, all right. Yeah, y-you got it. But this time there's a time limit on it. One month. You hear me? One month!
Nick: One month.

Jess: [on video call] Dad, I said yes!
Nick: I did it, Bob.
Bob Day: Oh, I don't know why you spent so much of the story talking about that color-blind friend of yours, but I'm so happy!
Jess: Dad, can you lean away? You're blowing out the speaker. [Bob sobbing] Dad, are you okay? His reaction doesn't bode well for the speech at the wedding.
Bob Day: What do you mean?

Winston: There he is, father of the bride.
Schmidt: I've been told to keep you to three drinks, sir.
Bob Day: Very cute. Almost as cute as the toast that you gave last night. Let me ask you something as a fan. When you rhymed Nick's name with a certain body part, how did you come up with that? I mean, because, come on, brilliant.
Winston: Thank you very much for saying that, it means...
Schmidt: He's being sarcastic.
Bob Day: Oh, so now you can read the room.
Winston: What the hell are you talking about? We killed it last night.
Schmidt: Yeah, I explained every joke right after I told it.
Winston: Yeah.
Bob Day: You stunk, like a... a big wheel of Limburger cheese. Now, that's comedy. Stay away from me.