Bob Day: Ooh, before I forget, best man. The wedding rings. Hey, I want you to meet a bunch of relatives that are all going to be dead in a couple of years.
Jess: Oh, good idea.

Bob Day: You've been great to me. You've taken care of me. Now I'm gonna do something for you. I'm gonna get you a ticket. Oh, here it is. Portland to L.A.
Jess: Dad, I am not leaving you like this. Recovery is the most vulnerable part of the process, and this house is full of stairs and sharp corners. And you know how slippery your bathtub is.
Bob Day: I won't stand up! I'll just roll out!

Bob Day: Jess... now I'm gonna show you some tough love. I want you to go back to California. [Jess sighs] Wh-What's going on?
Jess: It's Nick. I... I'm-I'm in love with him, and I can't... I can't do anything about it.
Bob Day: I'm sorry.
Jess: He's really happy with someone else. I couldn't go back there.
Bob Day: Hey, hey, hey. It's okay. You don't have to. You can stay here as long as you want. You've been taking care of me, now I'm gonna take care of you. You know what, I'm gonna read you one of my favorite books. See?
Jess: Oh...
Bob Day: Before the Web: The Story of Telephone Operators. "She sat by the switchboard, anxiously awaiting...
the phone call. Ring. Ring." [turns page] "Ring."

Bob Day: [on the phone] Hey, bub. What's the holdup? It's been six months since I gave you my blessing. When am I gonna hear my daughter cry? Huh? I think I deserve to hear my daughter cry.
Nick: Bob, I'm proposing tonight. I've been planning on doing it all along when we got back home to the loft.
Bob Day: The loft? You visit every possible romantic proposal spot on the planet, and you pick that dump?
Nick: Because it's where we met, Bob. Look, I've got a whole plan. I haven't told anybody. So I mailed the ring from Europe. So when we're looking at the mail, I'll say, like, "Check this one out. This one's from Turkey. You should open it, Jess."
Bob Day: You mailed my grandmother's ring from Turkey?
Nick: I hired an Au pair. He was going there, anyhow.
Bob Day: A male Au pair?
Nick: Yes, a boy Au pair.
Bob Day: Look, look, I better get a phone call tonight with the news that my daughter has a fiancé.
Nick: Bob...
Bob Day: I don't even care if it's not you. Okay?

Bob Day: Damn it. She won't answer any of my calls. I left ten voice mails. Two of them, I'm screaming. Three, I'm crying. One is a long silent one. Nothing! And it's all your fault... both of you guys. But mostly you.

Bob Day: Oh, dear God. A hug ball?
Jess: Dad.
Joan Day: Well, hello, Bob.
Jess: You're early.
Bob Day: You know what I'm thankful for today? Divorce.

Jess: Hey, Dad, you want to help us?
Bob Day: I have to stay away from salmonella.
Joan Day: You don't have to lick it, Bob.
Bob Day: No, no, no, my doctor says...
Joan Day: It was a joke, it was just a joke.
Bob Day: I have a sense of humor. If that was a joke, here is a pencil. Draw me a map to the joke.

Bob Day: Jess, what are you doing?
Jess: Watching the game.
Bob Day: You're doing the parent trap thing again.
Jess: What? Dad...
Bob Day: 'Yes.
Jess: I have a master's degree. I'm not parent trapping.
Bob Day: You're such a liar.
Jess: Seriously, I'm not... Okay. Fine, you're right.
Bob Day: You need help.

Bob Day: You just wanted me for my body.
Joan Day: Yup.
Bob Day: And I'm fine with that.

Cece: Okay, the reason I was in your van is because your little JujuBe was high as a kite!
Joan Day: Oh. Oh, my God. Honey, are you an addict?
Bob Day: Oh, this is new information.
Jess: It was a brownie. I wasn't allowed to eat chocolate.
Bob Day: Yes. What, are you living with drug dealers?
Winston: When can we start eating?
Joan Day: Are you into pot? Is this a rehab?
Bob Day: What are you doing? Are you selling your body to pay for the rent?
Jess: I don't sell my body for rent, no!