Phil: You know, I'm as happy now as I've ever been. And look, we're in Yucaipa. That sounds like how Ewoks talk.
Mitchell: I used to sneak off to a gay bar in Yucaipa before I came out.
Phil: Huh, you don't really think of gay bars as a small-town thing.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah. They serve your rural gays, your closeted gays, your city newbies looking to get their gay sea-legs, kind of like an out-of-town tryout before they hit Broadway.

Mitchell: Okay, everybody's looking at us. I haven't been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at Whole Foods.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I do have something of value: a "Spiderman vs. Doctor Octopus" comic book. Issue number 3, 1963, near-mint condition. It's worth 5 grand. I traded a football for it when I was 9 years old, and my dad was mad because the football was signed by Dan Marino. I said, "Get it signed by Rita Moreno, and I'll keep it."

Mitchell: You saw that right? Everybody fawning over Lily, and then you walk on and suddenly it's all, "Ooh, Skymall. I gotta buy a motorized tie rack." I'm gonna give a speech.
Cameron: You are not giving a speech. We're gonna be stuck with these people for the next five hours!
Mitchell: You're right, it's okay, I'm sorry.
Woman: Honey, look at that baby with those creampuffs.
Mitchell: Okay, excuse me. Excuse me, but this baby would be growing up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn't for us creampuffs. And you know what, to all of you who judge, hear this, love knows no race, creed or gender and shame on you! You small minded, ignorant fe-
Cameron: Mitchell?
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: She's got the creampuffs.
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: We would like to pay for everyone's headsets.

Cameron: Oh, we're gonna die! We're gonna die!
Mitchell: We better not. If they find us in these outfits, it's gonna be very bad for the gays.

Cameron: What about Thomas? You wrote him off because he serves a salad after the meal which, by the way, is very common in Europe.
Mitchell: What part of Europe is he from? Pretentioustan?
Cameron: Okay, fine. Keep judging. Don't let anyone in. I could care less.
Mitchell: I think you mean you couldn't care less because if you could care less, it means you care a little bit.
I'm going to the hot tub.
Cameron: If I stay here one more minute, my head is literally gonna explode.
Mitchell: I hope not, because if you mean literally-
Cameron: I don't feel safe in my own home!

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I realized that if I was gonna raise a boy, I needed to butch up my life. You know, I wanted to be able to teach my son all the things that my Dad taught... Claire.

Mitchell: [crying] No, no.
Cameron: Mitchell, what's wrong?
Mitchell: I feel like Lily's inability to show feelings for other people might be my fault.
Cameron: Oh, honey, I think that too. But just take comfort in knowing you got there on your own.
Mitchell: I'm watching The Bridges of Madison County because it's the only thing that makes me cry. When she gets home, I'm gonna turn this off and pretend I was reading this.
Cameron: "Typhoon Flattens Orphanage."
Mitchell: Yeah. That's sad, right? Now get out of here, because she's gonna be home any second and I'm trying to stay sad.

Mitchell: No, I'm calling them now, I'm cancelling.
Cameron: No, you're not! You're telling your family you've adopted a baby, tonight. And you do have avoidance issues; even Longinus said so!
Mitchell: Are you really not hearing these names?

Florist: [entering] Florist.
Mitchell: Yes. Come on in. He's over there with the flowers.
Cameron: Hello. I don't know what happened. They just, uh, somehow lost their vigor. [flowers catch fire] They were like this when we came home.
Mitchell: Cam. Cam.
Cameron: [screaming] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! God, God!
Mitchell: Look at that. Two things flaming at once.