Haley: How do nerds even get mono? Did you all practice by kissing the same pillow?
Alex: Shouldn't you be at work by now?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I got fired. My plan was to hide it from my parents until I got a new job, but with smarty-pants Alex home, I had to be more careful, or she was going to figure it out. Her being super-sick is coming at a really bad time for me.

Haley: [aside to camera] Rainer's taking me to Cabo for the weekend. So, I had a problem. I wasn't sure if my hairdryer ran on Mexican electricity. Oh, and telling my dad. I had two problems.

Haley: Thank you for meeting with me.
Manny: I came as fast as I could.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I lied to my boyfriend. Everybody does it at the beginning of a relationship. "Oh, I love jazz." "It's sexy when a man cries." "Your daughter is so sweet." Me I told Rainer I love his favorite show, "Game of Thrones," so now he's taking me to Comic-Con. I don't love "Game of Thrones." I've never even seen "Game of Thrones." And for the record, his daughter is kind of a monster.

[aside to camera:]
Haley: It was the longest I've been without a phone since phones. It was hard at first... the twitching thumbs, the phantom vibrations, salads left un-Instagrammed. But then the strangest thing happened.
[flashback:]
Haley: Have you ever stopped to smell these things? [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Haley: It's been years since I LOL'd IRL. I even found an old book in the truck and started reading it. The only problem was, people kept interrupting. I didn't need a phone anymore. I just needed a quiet place to find out how they kill that mockingbird.

Haley: Oh, morning, guys. You missed a beautiful sunrise. You know, living without a phone these past few days has been such a gift. Colors are brighter. Tastes are tastier. Have you ever eaten a peach? I mean, really eaten a peach? Well, most of this is in my short story. The best part, though, has been really getting to know you two. Dad, you are so funny. And you have such kind eyes. And, Mom, president of a closet company? Way to go! I guess that's why it makes it so hard to say goodbye. [picks up phone] Came in this morning. Luke set it up for me. He really shot up, huh? Anyway, in the weeks to come, try and remember that, uh... [cell phone pings] Wh- That skank! No way!

Haley: Could you please just read my sample? This job is important to me. This is my one shot at a real career.
Alex: Fine, I'll read it. And "real career"? I've seen this NERP business. Nicole Rosemary Page seems bonkers. Didn't she get in trouble for cannibalism?
Haley: No. Turns out there are no laws against eating your own appendix, and it does help with fine lines. But she's a success story. Child star, Bond girl, indie darling before she lost all her money to a Fonzie scheme.
Alex: Don't you mean Ponzi scheme?
Haley: Sadly, no.

Haley: Oh, it is not that simple. The formula for NERP is very specific: former actress plus confidence based on nothing equals millions in sales of iffy wellness products.
Phil: We should get her a gift for letting us stay here, but what do you give someone who's researching charcoal toothbrushes in Sri Lanka?
Haley: Oh, actually, she's judging a placenta-cooking contest in Minsk.

Haley: Thanks for trying to help, Manny. I guess we'll really never know who broke that tiara.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I broke the tiara. I was alone at the house the night before doing a little private wine tasting.
[flashback:]
Haley: [mockingly] I made a website, and I tell people how to live. Get a latte enema. Drink ocean water.
[tiara clatters] Oh. Ooh.
[back:]
Haley: I knew if I said to my family, "Do not touch", one of those bozos would have to try it on and then think they cracked it themselves. That's right. I'm a little smarter than people think. But lucky, too. That moose almost ruined everything.

Claire: You know, if something was on your mind, I'm an excellent person to confide in. No judgment. God knows I've done some stuff I'm not proud of.
Haley: [laughs] Like what?
Claire: J-Just like... shoplifting.
Haley: Wow. Really?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Haley: I mean, no judgment here... I do it, too.
Claire: [chuckles] What? You do?
Haley: Yeah, but I'm very ethical about it. I only take things from companies that use child labor. That is how my generation is saving the world.

Haley: Oh, God, it's Arvin calling. Quick, a show of hands, who thinks I have to tell him? One, two, three, four. Four out of nine? A frickin' tie?!