The Captain: Hide it in a boat.
Ted: A boat? How would that even...?
The Captain: I don't know. I just... I like boats.

Arthur: Marshall, Barney, there you are. I want you to meet an old friend of mine from Exeter, George Van Smoot.
The Captain: But you can, and should, call me The Captain.
Marshall & Barney: The Captain?
Arthur: Back in school we met during a production of Guys and Dolls. The Captain was Nathan Detroit
to my assistant stage manager.
Arthur: Marshall and Barney here, are the future of Goliath National Bank.
The Captain: Well, ahoy.
Barney: Ahoy.
Marshall: Ahoy, The Captain.

Ted: So, Captain. How'd you get that name, anyway?
The Captain: Gave it to myself. A real man chooses his own name.
Ted: Well, pleased to meet you, Captain. I'm Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville.
Zoey: This is Ted.
The Captain: Capital. Honey, I may cut out early. I have to go check up on the boat.
Ted: The boat? There's a boat? You must tell me about this boat, Captain.
The Captain: Well, she's an 85-foot sloop.
Ted: She!
The Captain: Do you like boats? Does the sea call to you like it calls to me?
Ted: Yes. The sea is all like, "Ted, come hang out."
The Captain: I like Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville. You're coming on the boat sometime. Stepping off.

The Captain: So you really thought I was gonna kill you?
Ted: Well... ish.
The Captain: Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. If I wanted to kill you, I'd invite you to my hunting lodge. It's far more remote, and I wouldn't have to worry about you turning up in some nosy fisherman's net.
Ted: See? It's stuff like that. Why- Why do you talk that way?
The Captain: Oh, I'm just jesting for sport. See, sometimes I don't bond as well with Zoey's younger friends. But I know she really likes you. I was hoping that maybe we could be buddies.
Ted: We can. We can be buddies. Just not on a boat.
The Captain: Fair enough. The hunting lodge it is.

Future Ted: [v.o.] A few days later, I headed over to The Captain's building to get Zoey's box.
Ted: I'm here to...
The Captain: Ted. What a surprise.
[later]
The Captain: Ted.
Ted: Captain. I...
The Captain: You've come to rescue me from the capsized wreckage of my marriage.
Ted: Mm...
The Captain: I hesitated calling you because I know you and Zoey were friendly.
Ted: Pssh, nah...
The Captain: But my wife has left me. All my friends have abandoned me. Please, tell me you're on my side.
Ted: [laughs]
The Captain: Let's adjourn to the study.

The Captain: Ted, beneath this lustrous mane, I wear the horns of a cuckold. Zoey left me for another man.
Ted: Wow. Do you have any idea who it could be?
Future Ted: [v.o.] The Captain then told a story much different than the one I'd been telling. But one maybe just as true.
The Captain: Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy. Blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other. But then, enter the scoundrel. Oh, man, this movie's scary.
[fantasy scene of Ted and Zoey watching a movie. Ted sits shirtless, with a moustache, next to Zoey on the couch:]
Zoey: Oh, man, this movie's scary.
Ted: I know, eh?
[present:]
The Captain: I don't know what he looks like, but I picture him with a mustache.
Ted: Yes! Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.
The Captain: Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.
Ted: And that's the last time you saw her.
The Captain: But I gathered my composure, and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night.
Ted: [spit take] That's damn good brandy.
The Captain: But morning came, and she was gone.
Ted: Oh, Captain... don't blame yourself.
The Captain: I don't blame myself.
Ted: Hmm?
The Captain: There's only one man I blame for this.

Ted: Hi, I'm here to pick up...
The Captain: Hello, Ted.
Ted: To the study?
The Captain: To the study!

The Captain: Ted... I know.
Ted: Know what?
The Captain: I know who stole my Zoey. No man likes to be betrayed, especially by a friend. You can imagine then how painful it was when I learned that the name of my betrayer is... Ted... when I tell you who it is, you're gonna... [imitates explosion] It's my doorman!
Ted: That son of a bitch!

[fantasy:]
Janet: Listen, there's something you should know. I lied. I only kind of liked Annie Hall.
Ted: [gasps]
[reality:]
Ted: [inner monologue] I gots to know! [out loud] Sweet. Mother. Of God! [takes drink, spit takes]

The Captain: This is my art consultant. Shelly.
Robin: Art consultant? What's that?
Lily: Oh, Shelly helps the Captain select artwork based on its aesthetic appeal and value as an investment.
[The Captain mouths "I'm going to kill you" to Ted]
Lily: That's why I think she's gonna love this elephant painting. I think this artist is going places.
Shelly: Well, I should go. Captain, we'll talk tomorrow?
The Captain: At ease.