The Captain: Ted, beneath this lustrous mane, I wear the horns of a cuckold. Zoey left me for another man.
Ted: Wow. Do you have any idea who it could be?
Future Ted: [v.o.] The Captain then told a story much different than the one I'd been telling. But one maybe just as true.
The Captain: Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy. Blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other. But then, enter the scoundrel. Oh, man, this movie's scary.
[fantasy scene of Ted and Zoey watching a movie. Ted sits shirtless, with a moustache, next to Zoey on the couch:]
Zoey: Oh, man, this movie's scary.
Ted: I know, eh?
[present:]
The Captain: I don't know what he looks like, but I picture him with a mustache.
Ted: Yes! Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.
The Captain: Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.
Ted: And that's the last time you saw her.
The Captain: But I gathered my composure, and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night.
Ted: [spit take] That's damn good brandy.
The Captain: But morning came, and she was gone.
Ted: Oh, Captain... don't blame yourself.
The Captain: I don't blame myself.
Ted: Hmm?
The Captain: There's only one man I blame for this.