Lily: Okay, I'm gonna call The Captain, get this over with.
The Captain: [answers phone] Ahoy.
Lily: Hello, Captain?
The Captain: Lily, I hope you're not calling to harpoon our big move to Rome.
Lily: Thank you, but I can't ask my husband to abandon his career.
The Captain: Would you like me to try and convince him? I'm very persuasive.
Lily: I'm sorry, the ship has sailed.
The Captain: What's that mean?
Lily: Well, you know, "The ship has sailed"? That it's over and there's nothing you can do?
The Captain: What a peculiar expression. Well, thanks for all your hard work, Lily. I've never been good at good-byes, so... [hangs up]

Ted: Hi, Captain. The Captain. Captain.
The Captain: Ahoy, Ted! Excellent to see you.
Ted: Ah, you, too. Uh, where's Zoey?
The Captain: Well, I'm afraid she's feeling a little under the weather. Looks like it's just you, me and six hours in frigid international waters.
Ted: Or we could stay on dry land, hang out with some... witnesses.
The Captain: [laughs] You're a hoot. I've been looking forward to this. For a very long time. Well, anchors aweigh!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, here's one thing I do remember. I was pretty sure I was going to die that night.

The Captain: Vast, the sea. Deep. Endless. Going around for miles. You could scream and scream, and not a soul would hear you. Listen to this. [screams] Help! Somebody help me! I'm trapped on a boat with a madman! Help! See? Nothing. [laughing]
Ted: [inner monologue while laughing] He's gonna kill me. Okay, calm down, Teddy. He's not jealous. He hasn't even mentioned Zoey.
The Captain: So, Ted, I noticed you've been spending a lot of time with Zoey.
Ted: [inner monologue: screams]

The Captain: Ted, let me show you my harpoon collection.
Ted: Just gonna make a quick call. Hey, silly question. What are our exact nautical coordinates?
The Captain: How now? [knocks Ted's phone into the ocean] Oh, bother. Well... she's a goner. By now, the icy tide has already dropped its core temperature to near freezing. And down it goes. Now it's at 50 meters. Complete crushing blackness. 100 meters. The pressure is so intense, the keys are popping right out of its head.
Ted: Head?
The Captain: 200 meters. No one will ever find its mangled remains, save for the crustacea that feed off its lifeless husk. Can you hear me now? No. Because you're on the bottom of the sea.

Ted: You think Zoey's sleeping with the doorman?
The Captain: He always winks and tips his hat when he sees her. I know how these things work. He holds her package, and pretty soon, she's holding his. And then there's his glorious mustache. I will have him fired for this!
Ted: No, no, no, you can't fire him.
The Captain: You're right. Maritime protocol demands physical retribution!
Ted: Oh, my God! No, no! No physical retribution! Stop!
The Captain: Who is this flower child, and what has he done with my lionhearted friend Ted Mosby?!
Ted: Look, look, yes, yes, the doorman is a scoundrel. The mustache alone gives that away. He's a rake, a rogue, a rapscallion!
The Captain: Whoa, "rapscallion" may be going a bit far, Ted.

Ted: But it's not his fault, okay? It's nobody's fault. You and Zoey have nothing in common. For God's sake, Captain, she hates boats! You're just not right for each other. Look, I know it's tough to face, but I'm sure a small part of you has always known that.
The Captain: Why couldn't she just like boats? Just to have one thing in common? Other girls like boats, don't they?
Ted: Of course they do.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Lily had just started a job as the art consultant for an eccentric billionaire, the Captain.
Lily: [answers phone] Ahoy. There's a hot new artist in Red Hook.
The Captain: He's molded world currency into a sculpture of a soulless plutocrat defecating on the poor. A scathing indictment of capitalism. I'll go as high as $200K as long as you think I can flip it for double in six months.
Lily: Aye, aye, Cap'n.

Lily: [answers phone] Ahoy.
The Captain: There's this gorgeously delicate impressionist still life, reminiscent of Monet's water lilies.
Lily: Where is it?
The Captain: Rikers Island. The artist is serving two consecutive life sentences for aggravated homicide. I'm willing to go as high as six cartons of cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, by the spring of 2013, Lily and Marshall had life figured out, Lily was making a name as the
art consultant for The Captain, Marshall was a superstar environmental lawyer and home life was a well-oiled machine. And then... something changed.
Lily: Captain, you wanted to see me? Captain? Hello? Permission to come aboard?
The Captain: Granted.
The Captain: Lily, small order of business: I'm moving to Rome and I'd like you to come with me. Carry on.
Lily: What? That-That-That's amazing, but I don't know if I can just uproot my life.
The Captain: It's only for a year. Carry on.
Lily: But I'm married and we have a baby and they just opened a Shake Shack on our block and there's never a line!
The Captain: I understand it's a big decision. Take all the time you need. Just let me know by the end of the day. Also, I need your advice on purchasing some luggage.
Lily: What kind?
The Captain: Carry on.

The Captain: [all singing] My gallant housekeeping crew, good morning
All: Sir, good morning
The Captain: I hope you are quite well
All: Quite well, and you, sir?
The Captain: I am in reasonable health, and happy to meet you all once... [doorbell rings] Oh, bother it. I'll get it.