Kirk Quote #227
Kirk: Mom's been incredibly possessive lately, as has Lulu, and it's very tense. I noticed they were beginning to snipe at each other, but I figured it was a friendly competition I could work to my advantage, you know? When you've got two women making you sherry cobbler, you're likely to end up with some pretty good cobbler.
Luke: Basic capitalism.
Kirk: That's not how they see it. Oh, no. Apparently, it's Mom's cobbler or Lulu's cobbler. I've got to choose.
Luke: Are you gonna order something?
Kirk: I'd love to order something. I'm starving. But what should I get? Lulu would want me to get something hip, like a bagel.
Kirk: But Mom would say a growing boy needs something more substantial, like pancakes.
Luke: Well, neither of them are here, so what do you want?
Kirk: I don't know! Bagel, pancakes, bagel, pancakes... It's like their voices are blocking out my voice, and I don't know what I think anymore. I'll have a bagel and pancakes, I guess.
Luke: Yeah, what kind of bagel?
Kirk: Lulu would kill me if I got the onion, you know, 'cause of all the kissing... And Mom would freak over the poppy seed 'cause she thinks poppies are a gateway drug.
Luke: What about... [a waiter returns a bagel to Luke] egg? Egg, it is.
Quote from Emily
Police Officer: You were on a cellphone, ma'am.
Emily: I don't see how that's your concern. Do my bills go to your office?
Police Officer: It is illegal in Connecticut to talk on a cellphone while operating a vehicle.
Emily: Well, that is absurd. I can't talk on my own phone in my own car?
Police Officer: License and registration, ma'am.
Emily: If I can manage to drink a cup of hot coffee and drive, I can talk on a cellphone. Or is coffee illegal, too? Can I listen to the radio? Can I open the glove compartment? Perhaps you should outlaw scratching your nose. That would certainly cut down on accidents.
Police Officer: Ma'am, have you been drinking?
Emily: What? No! This is outrageous. You know, right now, someone is robbing a Kwik-e-mart, and you're standing there harassing me.
Police Officer: I'm going to need you to blow into this breathalyzer for me.
Emily: Young man, I don't know where that's been, but I can say with absolute certainty it won't be going anywhere near my mouth.
Quote from Lorelai
Lorelai: Let me bottom-line it for you. Snakes are gross. Snakes are scary and slithery, and do you know where snakes do not belong?
Christopher: On a plane?
Lorelai: They do not belong on a plane.
Christopher: It's not an ideal situation.
Lorelai: They do not belong anywhere except in cages stuck in safes buried deep, deep underground. I hate snakes!
Christopher: So I'm gathering.
Lorelai: With their gross, no-legged bodies, and their scaly, scaly skin, and their wiggling, and their hissing.
Christopher: Okay, Lor. I respect your very valid feelings about snakes.
Lorelai: Thank you.
Christopher: But I have to say we were fairly warned.
Lorelai: No! No! A movie should not just be its title. Driving Miss Daisy didn't all take place in the car, Dances with Wolves wasn't one long wolf dance. But this was nothing but snakes, snakes, relentless snakes, snakes on a plane. Snakes, snakes, snakes on a plane!
Quote from Blame Booze and Melville
Kirk: Sally Forth is on fire today. On fire!
Luke: Where did you get a quarter of a million dollars!
Kirk: What? I don't have a quarter of a million dollars.
Luke: You don't?
Kirk: No. Just shy. It's $247,868. Sixty-seven, if I get a couple of donuts to go. Those chocolate raised are calling my name.
Luke: Where the hell did you get that much money?
Kirk: I've been working for eleven years, Luke. I've had fifteen thousand jobs. I've saved every dollar I've ever made. That and the miracle of compound interest has created a bounty of a quarter of a million dollars. Again, just under. I don't want to brag.
Quote from Tippecanoe and Taylor, Too
Kirk: I took it upon myself to poll the town, and I think you're gonna be pretty happy with the results.
Sookie: We are?
Kirk: Jackson is solidly in the lead.
Lorelai: We just started bugging people.
Kirk: Well, I modeled my poll after the Gallup poll. The Gallup poll uses a sample of 1,005 voters to represent the 280 million people of the United States. Using that logic, the correct sampling size of the town of Stars Hollow would be 0.002. Rounding that up means one person needs to be polled, so I picked me.
Lorelai: You polled yourself?
Kirk: I was right there. Seemed like a perfect opportunity.