Police Officer: You were on a cellphone, ma'am.
Emily: I don't see how that's your concern. Do my bills go to your office?
Police Officer: It is illegal in Connecticut to talk on a cellphone while operating a vehicle.
Emily: Well, that is absurd. I can't talk on my own phone in my own car?
Police Officer: License and registration, ma'am.
Emily: If I can manage to drink a cup of hot coffee and drive, I can talk on a cellphone. Or is coffee illegal, too? Can I listen to the radio? Can I open the glove compartment? Perhaps you should outlaw scratching your nose. That would certainly cut down on accidents.
Police Officer: Ma'am, have you been drinking?
Emily: What? No! This is outrageous. You know, right now, someone is robbing a Kwik-e-mart, and you're standing there harassing me.
Police Officer: I'm going to need you to blow into this breathalyzer for me.
Emily: Young man, I don't know where that's been, but I can say with absolute certainty it won't be going anywhere near my mouth.

Lorelai: Let me bottom-line it for you. Snakes are gross. Snakes are scary and slithery, and do you know where snakes do not belong?
Christopher: On a plane?
Lorelai: They do not belong on a plane.
Christopher: It's not an ideal situation.
Lorelai: They do not belong anywhere except in cages stuck in safes buried deep, deep underground. I hate snakes!
Christopher: So I'm gathering.
Lorelai: With their gross, no-legged bodies, and their scaly, scaly skin, and their wiggling, and their hissing.
Christopher: Okay, Lor. I respect your very valid feelings about snakes.
Lorelai: Thank you.
Christopher: But I have to say we were fairly warned.
Lorelai: No! No! A movie should not just be its title. Driving Miss Daisy didn't all take place in the car, Dances with Wolves wasn't one long wolf dance. But this was nothing but snakes, snakes, relentless snakes, snakes on a plane. Snakes, snakes, snakes on a plane!

Kirk: Mom's been incredibly possessive lately, as has Lulu, and it's very tense. I noticed they were beginning to snipe at each other, but I figured it was a friendly competition I could work to my advantage, you know? When you've got two women making you sherry cobbler, you're likely to end up with some pretty good cobbler.
Luke: Basic capitalism.
Kirk: That's not how they see it. Oh, no. Apparently, it's Mom's cobbler or Lulu's cobbler. I've got to choose.
Luke: Are you gonna order something?
Kirk: I'd love to order something. I'm starving. But what should I get? Lulu would want me to get something hip, like a bagel.
Luke: Hip?
Kirk: But Mom would say a growing boy needs something more substantial, like pancakes.
Luke: Well, neither of them are here, so what do you want?
Kirk: I don't know! Bagel, pancakes, bagel, pancakes... It's like their voices are blocking out my voice, and I don't know what I think anymore. I'll have a bagel and pancakes, I guess.
Luke: Yeah, what kind of bagel?
Kirk: Lulu would kill me if I got the onion, you know, 'cause of all the kissing... And Mom would freak over the poppy seed 'cause she thinks poppies are a gateway drug.
Luke: What about... [a waiter returns a bagel to Luke] egg? Egg, it is.

Miss Patty: Oh, honey, calm down. Nothing's gonna happen to April. They just spell out that stuff for their legal protection. Whenever you're taking care of kids, that's a lot of liability. It's the same with my dance school.
Luke: And nothing bad ever happens?
Miss Patty: Nothing ever happens. Oh, except for that one time.
Luke: What one time?
Miss Patty: Well, I took my senior ballerinas to try out for a performance of The Nutcracker, and one of the girls pulled a Tonya Harding and knocked the front-runner for Clara out of the competition. Broke her leg in three places.
Luke: That is not nothing. That is the opposite of nothing.
Miss Patty: It's totally different. That was a much rougher crowd.
Luke: Rougher crowd? They're ballerinas.
Miss Patty: Oh, yeah. I know. Everyone thinks, "Ballerinas - so sweet, so fragile." Trust me, they're dancing on stress fractures and ingrown toenails, and they haven't eaten in weeks.

Lorelai: Do you mind if I turn on the music, Mom?
Emily: That's fine.
Lorelai: Whatcha in the mood for? "Jailhouse Rock"? "Folsom Prison Blues"?
Emily: You're very funny, Lorelai.
Lorelai: No, no, no. I know, I know. "Working on the Chain Gang."
Emily: Yes, it's all quite amusing, isn't it? My being arrested, held behind bars, manhandled, and patted down? Hardee-har.
Lorelai: Aw. I just have one question for you, Mom. Why on earth did you call me? I mean, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart for that incredible gift. You don't need to get me anything for the next five Christmases.
Lorelai: But why did you call me, not Dad?
Emily: It was his first night teaching at Yale. He was having dinner with the dean. I'm not about to call him so he can excuse himself to come bail his wife out of jail. I can't begin to tell you how incompetent our police department is. That officer Peters who pulled me over. He's going to be receiving a big, fat subpoena, and I'm not stopping there. Wait. What is this? What's this car? What's going on here? Are you two on a date?
Lorelai: No way. You are not changing the subject. We're not talking about anything else except you in the clink. Now, come on. Spill. What was it like on the inside, huh? Did you try to tunnel your way out with a spoon, you know? Did they try to make you join a gang? And, Mom, now that you're on the outside and they're still on the inside, are they gonna try to use you as some kind of prison mule? There's just so much I need to know!

Rory: So, you want to go to this art-show thing with me tonight?
Paris: Sorry, can't, Doyle's celebrating his one-month anniversary with the paper. Having drinks with a bunch of the staff bigwigs over at Duffy's.
Rory: Cool.
Paris: Yeah. He's pretty loved. Actually, we both are. We're like the Ephron and Bernstein of the group.

Rory: He could come in if you wanted him to. I mean, I could make myself scarce.
Lorelai: Oh, no, you wouldn't have to make yourself scarce.
Rory: Oh, then I could be un-scarce. I could be here in all my plentiful glory. That's more normal. God, I forget what the protocol is when your mom is dating your dad.
Lorelai: Yeah, me too. We'll have to consult Emily Post again.
Rory: Yeah.

Rory: I'm really glad things are good between you.
Lorelai: Me too.
Rory: I'm just...
Lorelai: Yeah?
Rory: I just want you to be careful.
Lorelai: Is this the safe-sex talk? Because even if the ghost of Emily Post says it's okay, it is just plain weird.

Luke: All right, what can I get you?
Kirk: [whimpers]
Luke: Kirk, you're scaring away the customers.
Kirk: [whimpers]
Luke: I am not gonna ask you what's wrong. Either eat or go.
Kirk: Women troubles, Luke. Haven't slept in days. See the bags under my eyes? See the glazed look? Women.
Luke: See this glazed look? Don't care.

Lorelai: No, I don't eat orange food, except for candy corn.
Sookie: You eat cheetos.
Lorelai: I don't eat food that's naturally orange.
Sookie: You eat oranges.
Lorelai: All right, I eat food that's naturally orange, but I don't eat gourds.