TV Quotes

Monica: I'm sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma. You go look across the hall, and I'll call her cell.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Hey, you better hope we're pregnant because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel.

Joey: Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Okay.
Joey: She's this really boring woman. She's a teacher.
Phoebe: A teacher?
Joey: Yeah. She's really into history and foreign movies. Oh, and she loves puzzles. Come on, who loves puzzles?
Phoebe: Well, Ross does. You're ruining the plan. Joey, you fixed him up with his perfect woman.
Joey: Oh, my God, you're right. Yeah. She even reads for pleasure.
Phoebe: How do you even know a woman like that?
Joey: I'm not allowed to know smart women?
Phoebe: Joey?
Joey: I met her at the library. I went in to pee.

Phoebe: Hello?
Rachel: Phoebe, it's me. I'm going to hunt you down and kill you.
Phoebe: Hey, Rach.
Rachel: This is the worst date ever. How could you set me up with this creep?
Phoebe: You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends.
Rachel: I don't care. This guy is a nightmare.
Phoebe: All right, so he gets a little crazy when he's stoned.
Rachel: He's not stoned.
Phoebe: Did he go out for a cigarette?
Rachel: Yeah. Four times.
Phoebe: My dear, sweet Rach.

Ross: Hey, what's wrong?
Rachel: I just had a rough night.
Ross: Oh. Crab cake? Well, what happened?
Rachel: Well, this is kind of weird to talk to you about this, but-
Ross: Monica told me you had a blind date.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: I did too. But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up?
Rachel: Oh, no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left?
Ross: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Chandler: Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name.

Joey: Morning, roomie.
Rachel: Hey. You remembered to put clothes on this morning.
Joey: Fifth day's a charm.

Ross: I mean, do I wish me and Rachel living together would have worked out? Of course. You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not like it's a divorce.
Joey: Well, actually it-
Ross: No, it's not a divorce. It is not a divorce!

Joey: Why are they doing this?
Phoebe: I don't know. They're so perfect for each other. It's crazy.
Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars. What is there, like, two bites in here?

Phoebe: They should be a family. They should get married and have more children.
Joey: Yes. And they should name one of their kids Joey. Tell you what, I may not have kids. Someone's got to carry on the family name.

Rachel: You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you?
Chandler: See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I mean, I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.