Monica: I'm sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma. You go look across the hall, and I'll call her cell.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Hey, you better hope we're pregnant because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel.

Joey: Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Okay.
Joey: She's this really boring woman. She's a teacher.
Phoebe: A teacher?
Joey: Yeah. She's really into history and foreign movies. Oh, and she loves puzzles. Come on, who loves puzzles?
Phoebe: Well, Ross does. You're ruining the plan. Joey, you fixed him up with his perfect woman.
Joey: Oh, my God, you're right. Yeah. She even reads for pleasure.
Phoebe: How do you even know a woman like that?
Joey: I'm not allowed to know smart women?
Phoebe: Joey?
Joey: I met her at the library. I went in to pee.

Phoebe: Hello?
Rachel: Phoebe, it's me. I'm going to hunt you down and kill you.
Phoebe: Hey, Rach.
Rachel: This is the worst date ever. How could you set me up with this creep?
Phoebe: You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends.
Rachel: I don't care. This guy is a nightmare.
Phoebe: All right, so he gets a little crazy when he's stoned.
Rachel: He's not stoned.
Phoebe: Did he go out for a cigarette?
Rachel: Yeah. Four times.
Phoebe: My dear, sweet Rach.

Ross: Hey, what's wrong?
Rachel: I just had a rough night.
Ross: Oh. Crab cake? Well, what happened?
Rachel: Well, this is kind of weird to talk to you about this, but-
Ross: Monica told me you had a blind date.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: I did too. But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up?
Rachel: Oh, no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left?
Ross: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Ross: I mean, do I wish me and Rachel living together would have worked out? Of course. You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not like it's a divorce.
Joey: Well, actually it-
Ross: No, it's not a divorce. It is not a divorce!

Chandler: Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name.

Rachel: Wow, everything looks so good. I think I'm gonna have the chicken.
Steve: I just have to say this. You're really beautiful.
Rachel: Wow, that's very sweet. Thank you.
Steve: I'm kind of funny-looking.
Rachel: What?
Steve: Look, I mean, come on you're way out of my league. Everybody in here knows it. I bet that guy over there is probably saying: "Ooh. Why's she out with him? He must be rich." Well, I'm not.
Rachel: So what do you think you want to order? I'm real excited about that chicken.
Steve: I'm not funny, either. So if you were thinking, "Well, he's not that good-looking but maybe we'll have some laughs," that ain't gonna happen.
Rachel: Well, come on, Steve, let's not rule out nervous laughter. Hey, now, wait a minute, Phoebe told me that you owned your own restaurant. That's impressive.
Steve: I lost it ... to drugs. I silk-screen T-shirts now.
Rachel: Really? What's that like? It's really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money.
That's right. I have no money, I'm not funny, I live in a studio apartment with two other guys. And I'm pretty sure I'm infertile.
Rachel: Now, come on. Come on, Steve. There must be something that you like about yourself.
Steve: I do like my hair.
Rachel: Really?

Joey: Morning, roomie.
Rachel: Hey. You remembered to put clothes on this morning.
Joey: Fifth day's a charm.

Joey: Why are they doing this?
Phoebe: I don't know. They're so perfect for each other. It's crazy.
Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars. What is there, like, two bites in here?

Rachel: You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you?
Chandler: See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I mean, I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.