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‘The One with the Blind Dates’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Blind Dates

914. The One with the Blind Dates

Aired February 6, 2003

Joey and Phoebe conspire to get Ross and Rachel back together by setting them up on terrible dates. Meanwhile, Monica and Chandler babysit Emma.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I'm sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma. You go look across the hall, and I'll call her cell.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Hey, you better hope we're pregnant because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel.

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Quote from Joey

Joey: Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Okay.
Joey: She's this really boring woman. She's a teacher.
Phoebe: A teacher?
Joey: Yeah. She's really into history and foreign movies. Oh, and she loves puzzles. Come on, who loves puzzles?
Phoebe: Well, Ross does. You're ruining the plan. Joey, you fixed him up with his perfect woman.
Joey: Oh, my God, you're right. Yeah. She even reads for pleasure.
Phoebe: How do you even know a woman like that?
Joey: I'm not allowed to know smart women?
Phoebe: Joey?
Joey: I met her at the library. I went in to pee.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hello?
Rachel: Phoebe, it's me. I'm going to hunt you down and kill you.
Phoebe: Hey, Rach.
Rachel: This is the worst date ever. How could you set me up with this creep?
Phoebe: You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends.
Rachel: I don't care. This guy is a nightmare.
Phoebe: All right, so he gets a little crazy when he's stoned.
Rachel: He's not stoned.
Phoebe: Did he go out for a cigarette?
Rachel: Yeah. Four times.
Phoebe: My dear, sweet Rach.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, what's wrong?
Rachel: I just had a rough night.
Ross: Oh. Crab cake? Well, what happened?
Rachel: Well, this is kind of weird to talk to you about this, but-
Ross: Monica told me you had a blind date.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: I did too. But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up?
Rachel: Oh, no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left?
Ross: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Quote from Joey

Joey: Morning, roomie.
Rachel: Hey. You remembered to put clothes on this morning.
Joey: Fifth day's a charm.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I mean, do I wish me and Rachel living together would have worked out? Of course. You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not like it's a divorce.
Joey: Well, actually it-
Ross: No, it's not a divorce. It is not a divorce!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Why are they doing this?
Phoebe: I don't know. They're so perfect for each other. It's crazy.
Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars. What is there, like, two bites in here?

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: They should be a family. They should get married and have more children.
Joey: Yes. And they should name one of their kids Joey. Tell you what, I may not have kids. Someone's got to carry on the family name.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you?
Chandler: See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I mean, I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Ooh. Rachel's gonna have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then they'll realize how good they have it together.
Joey: Ah, yes, the plan. Ho, ho, ho.
Phoebe: It's not Santa's plan. No, it's- [laughs manically]
Joey: [laughs maniacally] Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.
Phoebe: No, I think we killed it.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Don't cry, it's just a bit. I'm your uncle Chandler. Funny is all I have!

Quote from Ross

Waiter: Can I get you another glass of wine?
Ross: I don't know if I should. I don't want to be drunk when I go home alone tonight.
Waiter: Got stood up, huh?
Ross: It's no big deal. It's just a blind date.
Waiter: Are you worried your date came, saw you and left?
Ross: No!

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Unless maybe we do it here. I mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age?
Chandler: Well, she's aware when we leave a room. She may notice if we start canoodling in it.
Monica: Canoodling?
Chandler: Well, I can't say hump or screw in front of the B-A-B-Y.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I guess you're right.
Chandler: You guess I'm right? When we stayed at that bed-and-breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window.
Monica: Well, what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Wow, everything looks so good. I think I'm gonna have the chicken.
Steve: I just have to say this. You're really beautiful.
Rachel: Wow, that's very sweet. Thank you.
Steve: I'm kind of funny-looking.
Rachel: What?
Steve: Look, I mean, come on you're way out of my league. Everybody in here knows it. I bet that guy over there is probably saying: "Ooh. Why's she out with him? He must be rich." Well, I'm not.
Rachel: So what do you think you want to order? I'm real excited about that chicken.
Steve: I'm not funny, either. So if you were thinking, "Well, he's not that good-looking but maybe we'll have some laughs," that ain't gonna happen.
Rachel: Well, come on, Steve, let's not rule out nervous laughter. Hey, now, wait a minute, Phoebe told me that you owned your own restaurant. That's impressive.
Steve: I lost it ... to drugs. I silk-screen T-shirts now.
Rachel: Really? What's that like? It's really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money.
That's right. I have no money, I'm not funny, I live in a studio apartment with two other guys. And I'm pretty sure I'm infertile.
Rachel: Now, come on. Come on, Steve. There must be something that you like about yourself.
Steve: I do like my hair.
Rachel: Really?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Well, our plan is working. Rachel's having a miserable time and Ross is just stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone.
Joey: Oh, great. Pretty soon they'll be back together.
Phoebe: By the time anyone's figured out what we've done, we'll be in sunny Mexico. Oh, wait, that's the end of a different plan.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hello? Emma? Hey. Hi. How are you? How are you? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why is the bedroom door closed? You can't have S-E-X when you're taking care of a B-A-B-l-E.

Quote from Ross

Waiter: Look, you got stood up. Who cares? We're gonna show you a good time. Sit and relax. In fact, let me bring you a crab-cake appetizer on the house.
Ross: Wow, free crab cakes? Well, that's nice. Although I was hoping to have sex tonight.
Waiter: Ooh.
Ross: Just the crab cakes.

Quote from Ross

Waiter #2: What are you doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? You can't do that.
Waiter: Just get out of here, okay?
Ross: I'm sorry, what's going on?
Waiter: Okay, the waiters have a little pool going. We have a bet on how long it'll take before you give up and go home.
Ross: What?! You're making money off my misery?
Waiter: Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am.
Ross: This is unbelievable. I have never been so insulted in my life. Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll be on my way.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Hey, did you stop by here?
Rachel: No.
Monica: Oh, my God. Then- Thank God! Emma, there you are!
Rachel: What? What do you mean, "there you are"? Where was she?
Monica: We were playing peekaboo. She loves it when I'm dramatic.

Quote from Joey

Joey: It's unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm going to have to tell Rachel about this.
Chandler: No, no.
Monica: Please don't. She will kill us.
Joey: Hey, I gotta. Unless-
Monica: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your first-born child Joey.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Hey, I may never have kids and somebody's gotta carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani.
Joey: ... Oh, ha, ha. You almost had me.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Now wait a minute. So they're gonna name their first child Joey? How do I get them to name the next one after me?
Joey: It's easy. You just walk in on them having sex.
Phoebe: Oh, so they owe me, like, three Phoebes.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Oh, they see us. Oh, they look mad. Oh, they figured it out. Oh, they're coming this way. Run!
Joey: Where?
Phoebe: Mexico!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Can you believe they're still not here?
Ross: I know. A double blind date and we both get stood up. What are the chances?
Joey: I know, I'm so bummed. Could we have our free crab cakes now?
Waiter: What?
Joey: We've been stood up. And we want our free crab cakes.
Waiter: Guys, give it a rest. Nobody's betting on you tonight. Although we do have a pool going to see how long it takes that guy to cry.
Steve: I have such fat hands!


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