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‘The One with Rachel's Book’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Rachel's Book

702. The One with Rachel's Book

Aired October 12, 2000

Monica is dejected when she learns that her parents have spent her wedding fund. Meanwhile, Joey finds an erotic novel that Rachel is reading, and Phoebe temporarily moves into Ross's apartment.

Quote from Judy Geller

Monica: I can't believe there's no money for my wedding.
Judy Geller: We might still have some money if your father hadn't thought it was a good idea to try sell ice over the Internet.
Jack Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea.
Judy Geller: Stupid, Jack. The word is "stupid."

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Quote from Monica

Monica: Sweetie, this is the most special day of our lives.
Chandler: I realize that, honey, but I'm not going to spend all the money on one party.
Monica: Honey, I love you. But if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited.

Quote from Judy Geller

Judy Geller: We really do feel bad about this, though.
Jack Geller: We started saving again when you were dating Richard, but then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen.
Monica: What about when I started dating Chandler?
Judy Geller: Well, it was Chandler. We didn't think he'd ever propose.
Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Take it from me. As the groom, all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Have you thought about that?
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?
Chandler: Four. A boy, twin girls and another boy.
Monica: What else did you think about?
Chandler: Well, stuff like where we'd live, you know. Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. You know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: What happened at dinner?
Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding.
Phoebe: My God, what did you order?

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: We can always earn more money, okay? But we're only gonna get married once.
Chandler: Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. The answer is no.
Monica: You're gonna have to put your foot down?
Chandler: Yes, I am.
Phoebe: Wow. Money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get onboard with.

Quote from Ross

Phoebe: Ross, how could you do that to an old man?
Ross: Excuse me, ladies. I'm sorry?
Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur. His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.
Ross: I gave him an extremely professional massage.
Phoebe: He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.
Ross: Okay, so it wasn't a traditional massage. But I did give him acupressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and, I gently exfoliated him with a mop.
Phoebe: Well, he's never coming back. You just cost me $80 a week.
Ross: You know what, this is your fault. You're the one who didn't move his appointment.
Phoebe: Oh, it's my fault? You didn't have to massage him. You could've sent him away. You could have not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back.
Ross: He said he liked that.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Phoebe, oh my God. What are you doing here?
Phoebe: I need to talk to you. It's pretty urgent. It's about Monica and Chandler.
Ross: Oh, my God. Of course. Would you please excuse me for a moment? Uh, do you know each other's hometowns? Why don't you... What's going on?
Phoebe: Well, not much. But I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged, maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, you know. So could I just move in with you for a couple days?
Ross: Um, okay. Yeah, sure. But what's wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Phoebe: Nothing. Why?
Ross: Phoebe, you said it was urgent.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, it is. I'm going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes.
Ross: Do you realize I have a classroom full of students?
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movie?

Quote from Jack Geller

Monica: I can't believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house.
Judy Geller: We're sorry, honey. But we just assumed that if you got married after you turned thirty, that you'd pay for it yourself.
Monica: You bought the beach house when I was 23.
Jack Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you can't put a price on that, sweetie.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Ow.
Chandler: What's the matter, honey?
Monica: I don't know. My hand feels weird. I guess it's because I'm engaged! How long before that starts getting annoying?
Phoebe: Starts?

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: What in God's name is that?
Ross: Oh, my God, the wedding book? I haven't seen that since 4th grade.
Monica: This baby has got everything. Take, you know, locations, for instance: First organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage.
Phoebe: That is so smart. [to Chandler] Break it off. Ahem. Break it off, now.

Quote from Ross

Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Okay, I haven't cleared the budget with my parents but tell me how this sounds for music. A string quartet for the processional, a jazz trio for cocktails, and the Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was for my 6th grade wedding.
Chandler: Well, you couldn't get them anyway. I mean, Ian doesn't play anymore, and Derek... Well, Derek is a name I shouldn't know.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Of course you can look at it. Yeah, I want your opinion too.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Here you go. What do you think about the centerpieces
Chandler: Centerpieces.
Monica: Yeah. Roses or lilies?
Chandler: Definitely roses. [Monica and Rachel look at each other] Well, I just think they're a little bit more "wedding-y." [Monica pushes the picture of the lilies towards Chandler] But lilies are the clear choice.
Monica: Oh, my God, it's like one mind.
Chandler: Uh-huh.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Uh, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Oh, Ross, hi.
Ross: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: I'm sorry. I'm with a client right now.
Ross: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Okay, let's talk outside.
Ross: Phoebe, you can't massage people in my apartment.
Phoebe: What's the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler's.
Ross: And they knew about it?
Phoebe: Okay, look, Ross, what is this really about?

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Hey, Joey. What are you doing?
Joey: Sweeping. Why? Does it turn you on?
Rachel: No.
Joey: What if I was sweeping a chimney?
Rachel: Joey, did you eat my face cream?
Joey: Where are you going? The vicar won't be home for hours.
Rachel: Joey, where did you learn that word?
Joey: Where do you think, Zelda?
Rachel: You found my book?
Joey: Yeah, I did!

Quote from Judy Geller

Jack Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.
Chandler: Oh, I don't think I've ever heard that story.
Monica: Oh, Dad, you don't really-
Jack Geller: Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know how that happened.
Judy Geller: You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.

Quote from Jack Geller

Chandler: What a sweet story.
Monica: Well, at least you're not hearing it for the first time at your 5th grade Halloween party.
Jack Geller: What? They wanted a scary story.

Quote from Jack Geller

Monica: You still have the Monica wedding fund, don't you?
Jack Geller: We have it. Only now we call it "the beach house."

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, Rach.
Rachel: Joey.
Joey: Hey, Rach, do you smell smoke?
Rachel: Uh-huh. I get it. Smoke, chimney, chimney sweep. Very funny. Ha, ha.
Joey: No, no, I'm serious. You don't smell it? Something's on fire.
Rachel: I don't smell anything.
Joey: Oh, you know what? It's probably just your burning loins.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Rachel: Nothing.
Ross: Damn, this coffee's cold. Hey, Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins?
Rachel: You know, I cannot believe you told him, Joey.
Ross: So I guess you bought that book after we broke up, huh?
Rachel: Uh-huh. I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you.
Ross: Oh, yeah? Well, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines. 'Sup?

Quote from Chandler

Monica: What about the future and stuff?
Chandler: Forget about the future and stuff. So we only have two kids. You know, we'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hello, Zelda.
Rachel: Who are you supposed to be?
Joey: The vicar.
Rachel: Do you even know what a vicar is?
Joey: Like a goalie, right?

Quote from Rachel

Joey: I'm sorry. Rach, I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. Maybe I could make it up to you by taking you roughly in the barn.
Rachel: Ugh. All right, you know what, that's it. You want to do it? Let's do it.
Joey: Huh?
Rachel: That's right. I want to do it with you. Been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things.
Joey: I did?
Rachel: Yeah, I been waiting for so long to get on that body.
Joey: This body?
Rachel: Yeah, that's right. Come on, Joey, sex me up.
Joey: Hey, you're starting to sound like the butcher's wife there in chapter seven.
Rachel: Oh, come on, now. Don't keep me waiting. Take your clothes off. But I'd keep that helmet on, because you're in for a rough ride.
Joey: I don't want to. I'm scared.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Look, Ross. I really need that $80 every week.
Ross: Look, I'm sure you'll find another massage client, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm sure I will, too. But until then I'm gonna massage you every week for the price of $100.
Ross: You just said 80.
Phoebe: Do you want me to mess up your puzzle?
Ross: A hundred it is.

Quote from Chandler

Judy Geller: So, Chandler, your parents must've been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.
Chandler: Oh, yeah. I should probably call them.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Look, I've thought about it too. I'm sorry. I think we should spend all the money on the wedding.
Monica: You do?
Chandler: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down.


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