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‘Fairy Tales Can Come True’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Fairy Tales Can Come True

304. Fairy Tales Can Come True

Aired October 25, 1984

Cliff finally finds the courage to talk to a woman when they meet in costume at a Halloween party. Meanwhile, when Frasier must break an engagement with Diane, he encourages her to take Sam in his place.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Actually, the Boston Pops was the one cultural event, albeit heavily sugar-coated, that Sam genuinely liked.
Sam: Yeah. I especially liked the 18...somethingth overture.
Frasier: 1812.
Sam: Hey, you really know your stuff. Yeah. You know, till Diane dragged me to that concert, I never realized just how many years of practice and dedication it takes to become a classical musician.
Frasier: Well, anyone in particular impress you?
Sam: Oh, yeah, yeah. The guy on the cannons. He's incredible. You know, I mean, I actually thought about taking it up myself, but I think it's one of those things you have to start when you're very, very young.
Frasier: Yes, they say to be truly great, you do. Yes.
Sam: That's what I thought.

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Quote from Coach

Sam: Why don't you guys lighten up on Cliff, huh?
Alan: Sorry, Sam. But you've got to admit, it's a little bit weird, isn't it? I mean, he's never been married. I've never even seen him with a woman.
Steve: Hey, Norm, he's your best friend. Is he gay or what?
Coach: I can't believe what I'm hearing! You can't tell a gay guy by his appearance. We had an outfielder on the Red Sox, Duke Roberts. I mean, he never got married. He never went with girls. He even wore those fancy Italian shoes. And he lived with a guy who was a florist. And Duke wasn't gay.
Sam: Yes, he was, Coach.
Coach: He was? Do you think he'd like to meet Cliffie?

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Well, there are many theories as to why the Florida orange is far superior to its Californian counterpart. Now, I personally think it's the trace mineral element in the Floridian water. That's obviously due to the frequency of the typhoons and the nitrogen-rich alligator guano. You know, furthermore, there's three-
Man: Say, I just remembered I left my oven on. [to himself] If I hurry home, I can stick my head in it.

Quote from Carla

Norm: Cliffie... Well?
Cliff: Well, what?
Norm: Last I saw, you were dancing together.
Cliff: Yeah, so?
Norm: So... you know?
Cliff: No, Norm, I don't know.
Carla: He wants to know if you boinked her, you dink.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: You know what my school nickname was in high school?
Coach: No, you never told us.
Cliff: That's because I didn't have one, Coach. I tried to get one started. You know, made it up myself. Courteous Cliff.
Norm: [chuckles] Courteous Cliff? As long as you were making it up yourself, couldn't you have done a little better?
Cliff: Nah, I didn't want to arouse suspicion, Normie. You know, I hear there's a tribe of men in the Middle East called the Essenites. They're entirely celibate. They live without women. Rumor has it that they are the happiest men in the world. Tomorrow I'm going to send for their brochure.

Quote from Coach

Frasier: "And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted... never more!"
Coach: Boy, Doc, you tell great stories.
Frasier: That was Poe.
Coach: Don't be modest. It was great.

Quote from Diane

Frasier: You know, sometimes I think that Sam is actually pretending to be less intelligent than he really is.
Diane: But how intelligent would someone have to be to successfully pretend to be that dumb?
Frasier: Boy, I'm not even sure that I could pull it off.
Diane: Oh, yes, you could. [they kiss]
Carla: Ew, yuck!
Diane: I'm sorry, Carla, if we offended you with our public display of affection. But try to understand, Frasier Crane has the same effect on me that cheap chianti and dice hanging from a rear view mirror have on you.
Carla: Boy, you got it bad.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hello, everyone. And a happy All Hallows' Eve. Guess who I am.
Coach: Cliff Clavin.
Cliff: No, Coach, let me give you a hint. I went to Florida to find the fountain of youth.
Coach: Cliff Clavin.
Cliff: No, Coach, I'm Ponce de Leon.
Coach: Well, I think your ears are too big.
Cliff: What, for Ponce de Len?
Coach: No, for you, Cliffie.
Cliff: Oh, I don't know, Coach. I happen to be very proud of my big ears. You know, a lot of women consider them erogenous zones during heavy petting.

Quote from Sam

Sam: So, who's next to chill us with a scary story?
Diane: Well, I think I have a chilling tale.
Sam: Yeah, but it's cute when you wiggle it.

Quote from Cliff

Tinker Bell: Florida oranges are delicious.
Cliff: What?
Tinker Bell: Nothing.
Cliff: Uh, have you been to Florida?
Tinker Bell: No, but it's always been a crazy dream of mine to go. I read that they have the world's largest pair of alligator shoes there.
Cliff: That's right. In Orlando. I even sat in one of them.
Tinker Bell: Wow.
Cliff: Um, what's your name?
Tinker Bell: Tinker Bell. What's yours?
Cliff: Me? I guess it's Ponce de Leon.
Tinker Bell: Oh, the fountain of youth guy that discovered Florida.
Cliff: Would you marry me and bear my children? Say, would you like to go in the back and maybe play some pool? Or as they say in Tallahassee, shoot some pocket billiards?
Tinker Bell: I'd love to, Mr Leon.
Cliff: Oh, please, call me Ponce.
Tinker Bell: It looks like you're out to conquer new territories, Ponce.
Cliff: Holy God.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Oh, I'm not using a pair of tickets tomorrow for the Boston Pops. You're welcome to have them if you're interested.
Sam: Uh, no. No, thank you.
Diane: Oh, you'll enjoy it! The program is an evening filled with fireworks and laser beams, occasionally interrupted with the music of Gershwin.
Sam: Well, I just can't think of who I'd take. Most of the women I date don't like music they can't dance to.
Diane: Most of the women you date don't like music they can't shed clothing to.

Quote from Coach

Coach: I've got the greatest ghost story ever told. Now, it seems Casper got caught in this huge laundry basket full of sheets-
Carla: Don't finish it, Coach. Some of us want to be able to sleep tonight.
Coach: Ah, you're right, Carla. It's best that I live with it myself. My God, what a horrible sight.
Norm: Speaking of horrible sights, Coach, take a look at... [holds out empty glass] this! [Coach screams]

Quote from Sam

Sam: How come you don't want to go?
Diane: Oh, I do. But Frasier's out of town and I can't think of anyone I'd like to go with.
Sam: Oh. I guess Frasier would feel uncomfortable if you and I went, huh?
Diane: No, actually he suggested it.
Sam: Oh. So, you'd be uncomfortable, huh?
Diane: Not at all. While you still harbor tortured longings for me, the emotions are so completely unreciprocated. I don't see why we shouldn't go together.
Sam: Then it's a date.
Diane: No, not a date. I mean not a date date. Well, it's a... What would you call an evening out with a woman when you have absolutely no hope of physical involvement whatsoever?
Sam: A first.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Well, here we are.
Sam: Yeah, thank you for the ride home and thank you very much for the concert. Boy, I tell you, that Gershwin's a genius.
[Diane vocalizes "Rhapsody in Blue" as Sam imitates fireworks]
Diane: Yeah, the mark of a great composer is when the audience leaves humming your fireworks.

Quote from Sam

Cliff: Look, don't you know that psychologists believe that one night of meaningless pleasure can just get in the way of any long-term commitment?
Norm: Is that true, Sam?
Sam: I rely on it.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: She's meeting me here tonight at eight o'clock.
Norm: Eight o'clock? Cliff, I don't believe this. You're meeting a woman here in 15 minutes. I don't believe how calm you are.
Cliff: Oh, hey, Norm. Don't tell me that you too subscribe to that myth about my discomfiture with women?
Norm: Cliffie, I was here one night a woman asked you what time it was. You swallowed the lower half of your face.
Cliff: Well, Norm, obviously you know nothing about body language. That gesture is replete with erotic message.
Norm: To a baboon maybe.

Quote from Frasier

Diane: Well, Frasier, didn't I tell you that Halloween at Cheers would be fun?
Frasier: Yes, but I won't hold it against you.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: It's got nothing to do with guts. It's just that the type of women you find up here in the northeastern seaboard bore me. See, I prefer your southern belles. You know, the kind of women you find down there in Florida.
Alan: Oh no, he's going to go on about Florida again.
Cliff: Hey, hey, hey. Suffice it to say, when I was down there, I was covered with women.
Steve: You sure they weren't mosquitoes?
Cliff: Yeah, thank you, Bob Hopeless. I think I'll just go in the back and scope out the dollies.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Come on, guys. Cliff is not gay, all right? He's just shy around women to the point of being a blithering idiot.

Quote from Diane

Frasier: Diane, that was a colleague on the phone, a Reichian analyst. He's taken ill. He wants me to take his place tomorrow at a seminar on multiple personalities at the University of Chicago, so I've got to go home and pack.
Diane: We won't be able to go to the concert.
Frasier: Well, I won't but you can still go. Listen, take along a friend. Well, Sam indicated some interest.
Diane: Sam? I think I could find more stimulating company for the concert. I wouldn't have to look any farther than the nearest Petri dish. But once again, I am startled by how far you are above petty emotion like jealousy.
Frasier: Well, I just figured it was time Sam learned to appreciate instruments without fuses. Goodbye, my tiny Alice.
Diane: Goodbye, my mad Mad Hatter.

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