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‘Diane Meets Mom’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Diane Meets Mom

308. Diane Meets Mom

Aired November 22, 1984

Diane is nervous about meeting Frasier's brilliant mother, Dr. Hester Crane (Nancy Marchand). Meanwhile, Norm celebrates his birthday at Cheers.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Norm: Going down.

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Quote from Sam

Hester Crane: I understand you used to date that woman. I want to know how much you'd charge to start things up again.
Sam: You don't have enough money.
Hester Crane: How would you know?
Sam: There isn't enough money.
Hester Crane: I know what you mean.
Sam: No, I don't think you do.
Hester Crane: I think I do.
Sam: Oh, no.
Hester Crane: Oh, yes.
Sam: Oh, no.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Hi, what can I get you?
Man: I'm a phone company repairman.
Coach: Oh, hi, I'm a bartender. Ernie Pantusso.
Man: Phil Ryan. I got a call to come down here.
Coach: Gee, there must be some mistake, Phil. I didn't call for any repairman.
Carla: I think Sam put in a call, Coach.
Coach: He did? Gee, that's strange. He didn't say anything to me about it. I'd better give him a call and find out what this is all about. [dials phone] Bum luck, Phil, phone's out.
Carla: Give him a couple of seconds.
Coach: Say, Phil, I hate to impose on you, but since they got you down here on this royal goose chase, would you mind taking a look at the phone?
Man: Sure.
Coach: Thank you. Lucky thing he happened by here, huh, Carla?
Carla: Sometimes fate takes a hand, Coach.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Eh, boy, did you see that?
Carla: What?
Cliff: Well, Frasier purposely avoided drawing me into the conversation.
Coach: You know, I noticed that, too, Cliffie. What's his problem?
Cliff: Well, he knows how well versed I am in his field, Coach. I've embarrassed many a professional so-called expert.
Carla: Actually, Cliff, I think you've embarrassed everybody you know.
Cliff: Well, as long as you're saying it, it's not bragging.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, I have to ask you a question. And promise me you won't make a joke out of it. OK? Promise.
Sam: Yeah, I promise. What's up?
Diane: Do you think I'm crazy?
Sam: Yes.
Diane: Ha ha! Now we've gotten the joke out of the way, will you help me? I know this is a strange question, but it's important. Do you think I'm crazy?
Sam: Yes.
Diane: I should have known better. You're incapable of a rational conversation. Everything has to be some flip remark.
Sam: Well, wait a minute. Do you mean are you crazy, like seriously unbalanced, like losing your grasp on reality?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: Oh, well, then yes.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Hester, I've been thinking a lot about our little talk last night.
Hester Crane: I hope you've been thinking long and hard.
Diane: I have. Frasier, I came to a decision last night. When and if we marry, I think we should commit mommy dearest here to a rest home, making sure that beating and starving are the only forms of recreation.
Frasier: Diane!
Hester Crane: I beg your pardon?
Frasier: Diane.
Diane: In fact, I feel like slapping your face right now.
Hester Crane: Take me out of here this moment.
Diane: Well, it's a joke, come on. I'm obviously kidding. We're not going to put the woman in a rest home, we'll have her with us always. We're going to have her stuffed. [As Diane laughs, Sam gives her a "cut it out", throat slash gesture] And I'll even slit her throat in the process. Thank you, Sam. [laughs]

Quote from Diane

Sam: What are you doing here tonight?
Diane: I'm having dinner upstairs with Frasier and his mother. She's a seafood aficionado, we think she'll like the bouillabaisse at Melville's.
Sam: You're having dinner with Frasier's mother?
Diane: You actually deduced I'm having dinner with Frasier and his mother when all I did was say it in your presence. No flash cards, no crib notes on your sleeve? Uncanny.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Wait a minute, Sammy. The primary symptom of postprandial trauma is the blurring of the metatarsals. [shines a light in Norm's eyes]
Sam: Cliff, shut up.
Cliff: Oh, okay. Fine, I'll shut up. Go ahead and wallow in ignorance. I think we're re-entering the Dark Ages here.
Coach: Do we gain an hour or lose an hour?

Quote from Diane

Diane: A lot of people miss the whimsy in Jung. He's given me many a chuckle. I wrote one of my favorite papers about it. It's entitled, tongue in cheek of course, "Hello, Jung Lovers."
Hester Crane: How clever.
Diane: Oh, dear. Something just struck me. I hope I haven't dominated the conversation tonight.
Frasier: Oh, nonsense, Diane, the wine and your verbiage were the perfect compliment to our meal.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Coach: What's up, Norm?
Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Hi, everybody. I bet you're surprised to see me on my night off.
Carla: Yeah, we didn't hear your broom pull up.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Why don't you sit down here for a second? You all right?
Norm: Yeah.
Sam: How many fingers?
Coach: Three.
Sam: Not you, Coach.
Norm: Three.
Coach: Sure, after I give him the answer.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Sit down, honey, and just relax. Everything is going to be fine. Just remember, now, don't snap your gum, don't chew with your mouth open, and for God's sake, don't play with your bra straps.
Diane: I'll try to remember that.
Coach: Well, trying's not good enough. I'll just have to write it down for you.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Listen, Coach, do me a favor and don't make a big fuss over me today, OK?
Coach: You got it.
Norm: You know, no cakes, candles, party hats, singing. None of that, all right?
Coach: OK.
Norm: You know, because, really, it would be so embarrassing, you know what I mean? And no gifts, all right? Yeah. Whatever you do, don't ask how old I am today.
Coach: Normie, is today your birthday?
Norm: Coach, you remembered, huh?
Coach: [rings bell] Hey, everybody, it's Normie's birthday.
Cliff: All right, let me buy the birthday boy a drink here.
Norm: Please, you're making too big a deal out of this.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Diane? Here's the list of tips I promised.
Diane: Thank you, Coach.
Coach: I also added instructions for a dainty way to dispose of gristle.

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