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Pick a Con.. Any Con

‘Pick a Con.. Any Con’

Season 1, Episode 19 -  Aired February 24, 1983

When Sam finds out a conman has tricked Coach out of thousands of dollars, he turns to Harry to try get the money back.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, you feeling lucky tonight?
Diane: What you got in mind?
Sam: A game of chance, simple cut of the cards.
Diane: What are the stakes?
Sam: If I win, I get to go to bed with you.
Diane: What if I win?
Sam: You get to go to bed with me.
Diane: Forget it.
Sam: I understand. You'd rather earn it.

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Quote from Sam

Sam: You're in a pretty good mood tonight.
Diane: Why not? Last night, I was up until two in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.
Sam: I hope he thanked you for it.

Quote from Carla

Sam: We just discovered that George has been hustling Coach for a lot of money.
Diane: George? That sweet, white-haired gentleman? Piffle.
Coach: No, Diane, it's true. Gee, Sam, isn't there anything we can do about it? Anything?
Carla: I got it. We beat him up, strip him, take his money and put him on a bus.
Diane: Subtle, Carla.
Carla: Hey, that's how I got to Boston.

Quote from Coach

Sam: What are you laughing at?
Coach: That.
Harry: One born every minute, huh, guys?
Coach: We did it, Harry!
Harry: There's your money. Now, who wants to play double or nothing?
Sam: You had George conned that you two were working together while it was you and Coach?
Coach: You're not even close.
Harry: Yeah, he is.
Coach: Oh, that's it exactly. Come on, everybody, coffee's on me.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Well, it's nice to have someone your own age to spend time with. You've been through the same fads. You've seen the same films. You don't have to explain things. There's a real comfort in that.
Sam: It's too bad we're not closer in age.
Diane: Isn't it? However, six or seven years really isn't that much.
Sam: Gee, I would have thought eight or nine.
Diane: I find older men stimulating.
Sam: I hope you're not talking about me.
Diane: Certainly not. You're not in the least bit stimulating.
Sam: Hey, listen. Seriously, I would not worry about your age. You're obviously young enough to bring that Kierkegaard fellow home.
Carla: Do you two think that you could put your glands on hold long enough to get some work done here?

Quote from Diane

Sam: I just had the worst idea I've ever had.
Carla: Worse than hiring her?
Sam: I just had the second worst idea... Remember Harry?
Diane & Carla: Oh, no.
Sam: Come on, come on. Maybe he could help us out here a little bit.
Diane: You mean that hustler you're always throwing out? Sam, that's like calling Spinoza to settle an argument between Nietzsche and Schopenhauer.
Coach: She's got a point there, Sam.

Quote from Coach

George: I'll bet two.
Harry: It's covered. What do you need?
George: One.
Harry: Dealer takes one.
[Coach looks at Harry's cards and then rubs his nose]
Coach: Oh, George, did you see that?
George: Yes, I did, Coach.
Coach: George, I scratched my nose because it was itchy.
George: Right. I saw you do that.
Coach: It was really itchy, George.
George: That's why you scratched it.
Coach: Exactly.
Harry: Hey, stimulating conversation. We playing cards or what?

Quote from Coach

Diane: Look, I think it's a mistake to trust Harry.
Sam: No, come on, look. George is a con man. Harry's a con man. What's the old saying? "Send a thief..."
Coach: "To camp for the summer."
Sam: Right. I don't even know where to find him.
Carla: Oh, I know exactly where he is. In jail, like he always is.
Sam: You sure? [dials the phone] Uh, yeah, in Boston, please, for the city jail. [to Coach] You sure you don't mind me doing this?
Coach: No, no, go ahead, Sam. I use information to get numbers all the time.

Quote from Cliff

Harry: Tell you what. I'll bet you a dime I can drink that drink without touching the hat.
Cliff: [chuckles] A dime? Uh, OK. You're on.
Harry: Okay, you'll love this.
[Harry bends down beneath the bar and pretends to glug the drink]
Harry: It's gone.
Cliff: [chuckles] Yeah.
[As Cliff lifts up the hat to check, Harry grabs the drink and downs it. ]
Cliff: Hey, uh, what's so good about that? Anybody can do that.
Harry: Oh, yeah?
Cliff: I can do that.
Harry: No.
Cliff: A dime?
Harry: A dime.
Cliff: Coach, another shot, please. All right, a dime says I can drink the old shot there without touching the old chapeau. Are you ready? I'll be right back.
[Cliff bends down beneath the bar and pretends to glug the drink. While he does so, Harry lifts up the hat and downs the shot]
Cliff: [chuckles] OK, that baby's gone.
[Harry puts on a stunned face as he lifts the hat up to reveal the empty shot glass]
Harry: That's great, Cliff. That's worth a dime.
Cliff: Hey, you can laugh, Norm, but at least I got my money back.
Coach: Five bucks for the booze, Cliffo.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: [to Norm] Hey, what's the matter? If you'd given as much money to the space program as you have to that guy, we'd have condos on Venus.

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