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‘Pick a Con.. Any Con’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Pick a Con.. Any Con

119. Pick a Con.. Any Con

Aired February 24, 1983

When Sam finds out a conman has tricked Coach out of thousands of dollars, he turns to Harry to try get the money back.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, you feeling lucky tonight?
Diane: What you got in mind?
Sam: A game of chance, simple cut of the cards.
Diane: What are the stakes?
Sam: If I win, I get to go to bed with you.
Diane: What if I win?
Sam: You get to go to bed with me.
Diane: Forget it.
Sam: I understand. You'd rather earn it.

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Quote from Sam

Sam: You're in a pretty good mood tonight.
Diane: Why not? Last night, I was up until two in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.
Sam: I hope he thanked you for it.

Quote from Carla

Sam: We just discovered that George has been hustling Coach for a lot of money.
Diane: George? That sweet, white-haired gentleman? Piffle.
Coach: No, Diane, it's true. Gee, Sam, isn't there anything we can do about it? Anything?
Carla: I got it. We beat him up, strip him, take his money and put him on a bus.
Diane: Subtle, Carla.
Carla: Hey, that's how I got to Boston.

Quote from Coach

Sam: What are you laughing at?
Coach: That.
Harry: One born every minute, huh, guys?
Coach: We did it, Harry!
Harry: There's your money. Now, who wants to play double or nothing?
Sam: You had George conned that you two were working together while it was you and Coach?
Coach: You're not even close.
Harry: Yeah, he is.
Coach: Oh, that's it exactly. Come on, everybody, coffee's on me.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Well, it's nice to have someone your own age to spend time with. You've been through the same fads. You've seen the same films. You don't have to explain things. There's a real comfort in that.
Sam: It's too bad we're not closer in age.
Diane: Isn't it? However, six or seven years really isn't that much.
Sam: Gee, I would have thought eight or nine.
Diane: I find older men stimulating.
Sam: I hope you're not talking about me.
Diane: Certainly not. You're not in the least bit stimulating.
Sam: Hey, listen. Seriously, I would not worry about your age. You're obviously young enough to bring that Kierkegaard fellow home.
Carla: Do you two think that you could put your glands on hold long enough to get some work done here?

Quote from Diane

Sam: I just had the worst idea I've ever had.
Carla: Worse than hiring her?
Sam: I just had the second worst idea... Remember Harry?
Diane & Carla: Oh, no.
Sam: Come on, come on. Maybe he could help us out here a little bit.
Diane: You mean that hustler you're always throwing out? Sam, that's like calling Spinoza to settle an argument between Nietzsche and Schopenhauer.
Coach: She's got a point there, Sam.

Quote from Coach

George: I'll bet two.
Harry: It's covered. What do you need?
George: One.
Harry: Dealer takes one.
[Coach looks at Harry's cards and then rubs his nose]
Coach: Oh, George, did you see that?
George: Yes, I did, Coach.
Coach: George, I scratched my nose because it was itchy.
George: Right. I saw you do that.
Coach: It was really itchy, George.
George: That's why you scratched it.
Coach: Exactly.
Harry: Hey, stimulating conversation. We playing cards or what?

Quote from Coach

Diane: Look, I think it's a mistake to trust Harry.
Sam: No, come on, look. George is a con man. Harry's a con man. What's the old saying? "Send a thief..."
Coach: "To camp for the summer."
Sam: Right. I don't even know where to find him.
Carla: Oh, I know exactly where he is. In jail, like he always is.
Sam: You sure? [dials the phone] Uh, yeah, in Boston, please, for the city jail. [to Coach] You sure you don't mind me doing this?
Coach: No, no, go ahead, Sam. I use information to get numbers all the time.

Quote from Cliff

Harry: Tell you what. I'll bet you a dime I can drink that drink without touching the hat.
Cliff: [chuckles] A dime? Uh, OK. You're on.
Harry: Okay, you'll love this.
[Harry bends down beneath the bar and pretends to glug the drink]
Harry: It's gone.
Cliff: [chuckles] Yeah.
[As Cliff lifts up the hat to check, Harry grabs the drink and downs it. ]
Cliff: Hey, uh, what's so good about that? Anybody can do that.
Harry: Oh, yeah?
Cliff: I can do that.
Harry: No.
Cliff: A dime?
Harry: A dime.
Cliff: Coach, another shot, please. All right, a dime says I can drink the old shot there without touching the old chapeau. Are you ready? I'll be right back.
[Cliff bends down beneath the bar and pretends to glug the drink. While he does so, Harry lifts up the hat and downs the shot]
Cliff: [chuckles] OK, that baby's gone.
[Harry puts on a stunned face as he lifts the hat up to reveal the empty shot glass]
Harry: That's great, Cliff. That's worth a dime.
Cliff: Hey, you can laugh, Norm, but at least I got my money back.
Coach: Five bucks for the booze, Cliffo.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: [to Norm] Hey, what's the matter? If you'd given as much money to the space program as you have to that guy, we'd have condos on Venus.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Let's go sit down over there. Coach, you wanna join us? Carla, you got the bar?
Diane: Oh, she always gets to watch the bar.
Sam: Diane, you may have the bar.
Diane: Goody. [rings the bell] Diane has the bar. Yes?
Carla: I need a Bloody Mary.
Diane: A Bloody Mary coming up. Where do we keep the Mary? "The Bartender's Guide." "The Bloody Mary." "There's nothing like a fresh Bloody Mary to start any day. This is a traditional favorite served with lunch, brunch, and often as the 'hair of the dog that bit you'. Its colorful name derives from the story"-
Carla: Make the drink!

Quote from Carla

Diane: "A dash of pepper." A lot of ingredients in a Bloody Mary.
Sam: I know, that's why we usually mix up five gallons and put it in the fridge before hand. How come you're doing this, Carla, why'd you let her do it?
Carla: I wanted to see her try and make vodka.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Harry. Harry, maybe we ought to get out of the game, huh?
Harry: What for?
Sam: Oh, no reason. No reason. You lost most of the money I put in, George has got all the cards, and you're playing lousy.
Harry: Everything's fine. I'm toying with him. I'm giving him a false sense of security.
Sam: I think you're giving him a genuine sense of security.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Look, George, you made a fool out of me and you can keep my money. It's okay. I just want my all friends here to get their money back. You understand, George? Every penny.
George: I'm not giving you any of my money back, Coach.
Coach: Well, what if we cut up Harry's share?
Sam: That's not such a bad idea. You could play him again, beat him, and give us our money back.
George: Well, I never did like the guy. I'll challenge him to another game.
Coach: You think you can beat him?
George: Of course I can. I can have three queens in my hand at any time. All I need to know is when he can't beat that.
Carla: You mean like a sign?
Coach: Sam, please let me give the sign. All this trouble's on account of me, Sam. Please let me give the sign. Please.
Sam: I don't know, Coach. I mean, that's kind of tricky, isn't it?
George: He is the last person Harry would figure being in on anything clever. Just don't screw it up. Come here, Coach. Now, give me your sign the first time Harry can't beat three queens. What's the sign?
Coach: Uh, let me see. I'll rub my nose like this. It's the old bunt sign.
George: Got it.

Quote from Coach

Carla: It's George's bet.
George: Harry, let's stop fooling around. Now, I'm going into my private stash. Ten grand.
[Harry puts his foot up on the table and removes a wad of cash from his sock]
Diane: Oh, I like those socks.
Harry: Covered.
George: Three little ladies.
Diane: Four threes?
George: That can't be.
Harry: Seeing is believing, Mole.
Coach: George, why did you make the bet?
George: Because you scratched your nose, you idiot!
Coach: But I told you why I scratched my nose.
Sam: Okay, that does it. Harry, I never wanna see you come through that door again.
Harry: Don't worry, Malone, you won't.
George: You caused me to lose a fortune, you old fool. You're a stupid, blundering moron who deserves to lose his money.

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