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If Ever I Would Leave You

‘If Ever I Would Leave You’

Season 3, Episode 20 -  Aired February 28, 1985

After Loretta leaves him, Nick Tortelli (Dan Hedaya) comes to do odd jobs for Sam at the bar as he tries to win Carla back.

Quote from Sam

Norm: Sammy, when's the Coach gonna get back from visiting his sister?
Sam: Uh, he'll be in Minnesota at least another week.
Cliff: Is his sister anything, you know, like the Coach?
Sam: Let me put it this way. He asked her to pick him up at the airport. She thought he meant the Boston airport so she drove all the way here to pick him up. Fortunately, that's what he meant. They had lunch at the airport. Then they drove on to St. Paul.
Cliff: Wait. Uh, I thought she lived in Duluth, there.
Sam: She does, but they don't like the food at the airport in Duluth. You know, actually, Coach will probably be back before I could explain this to you.

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Quote from Nick Tortelli

Diane: Oh, Nick Tortelli, this is someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common, my paramour, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Nick Tortelli: Uh, doctor of what? Can you get any pills?
Frasier: I'm a psychiatrist. Uh, have we met? You wouldn't by any chance be the bogus missing link exhibited at the Amsterdam World's Fair?
Nick Tortelli: No, but you're not the first person who asked me. I wish I had done something like that. Maybe my life would be worth something.

Quote from Cliff

Nick Tortelli: Well, she ran out on me. You see, she always wanted to be a singer. She got an offer from this big musical group that's touring the country. The Grinning Americans.
Frasier: The grinning what?
Cliff: Well, they're a group of wholesome young people, who wear, you know, pullover sweaters, sing patriotic songs. You know, they've had me and Ma marching around the living room on more than one Sunday afternoon, I can tell you.
Frasier: Cliff. You live with your mother, Cliff?
Cliff: I have my own room. I have my own hot plate. You want to read something sicko into that?

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Carla: Nick, I want you back. I want to give you another chance to take care of me and the kids.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, Carla, you've made me the happiest man on Earth. Let's go to White Castle and celebrate! I knew I'd get you back if I kept scrubbing and mopping and cleaning the ashtrays and believing.
Carla: Yeah.
Nick Tortelli: But I've got to tell you, that last test was the hardest.
Carla: Test, Nick?
Nick Tortelli: Yeah, the way you actually got Loretta to come here and do what she did. I don't know how you did it.
Carla: It wasn't a test, Nick.
Nick Tortelli: It wasn't?
Carla: No.
Nick Tortelli: Uh, she really wants me back?
Carla: That's right.
Nick Tortelli: Oh. Well, good. I'm glad to see that you're above that sort of thing. It's you and me... forever.
Carla: Really, Nick? I can't believe it. I- [Nick clutches his chest] Nick? What's the matter?
Nick Tortelli: I don't know. Something weird, Carla. I can't control my body. Uh, I don't know what's going on. Uh, I'm going to find a cure for this, if it kills me. Uh... Goodbye, Carla. I love you. Loretta!

Quote from Diane

Nick Tortelli: Uh, hello, blondie. I bet you thought you'd never see me again, right?
Diane: Change "thought" to "begged God" and you've got it exactly.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Sam: You know, you're not the first guy to lose a woman, Nick.
Nick Tortelli: Yeah, but you haven't heard the worst. You see, Loretta wouldn't marry me unless I signed one of them, uh, "pre-nupital" agreements and put everything in her name. I was up to my eyeballs in amore that night. She got the house and the Tortelli Television Hospital.
Sam: Oh, ouch. Let me get you a drink.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, no, I couldn't. I don't have anything, Sam. I couldn't pay for it.
Sam: No, it's on the house.
Nick Tortelli: Nick Tortelli don't take charity or pity. Or soda. So make it neat, Sam.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Nick Tortelli: You look pretty, Carla.
Carla: The twinkie left you, didn't she? She took you for everything, didn't she? Please tell me she took you for everything.
Nick Tortelli: I was born into this world naked and so shall I leave it.
Diane: But please stay fully-clothed the rest of the time.

Quote from Carla

Carla: I forgot my purse. Nick. What the hell are you doing here?
Nick Tortelli: I came to see if I have any friends left.
Carla: Sorry, our new snail pellets took care of them.

Quote from Frasier

Nick Tortelli: You're her friends. You believe me, don't you? You'll talk to her, won't you?
Frasier: Come on, Diane, we've missed the Sorrow, but maybe we can still catch the Pity. Mr. Tortelli, I hate to see any human suffer without doing something to help. Now, I'd like you to call this number any time, day or night.
Nick Tortelli: Is this your office?
Frasier: No, no. I'm far out of your price range. This is the number of a promising graduate student. You could put him on the map.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Listen to me. What you're feeling right now for Nick, every woman has felt it sometime. At one time or another, we all fall for some guy that we know isn't good for us. We need excitement. We need a walk on the wild side. [briefly looks back at Sam] I know whereof I speak. Believe it or not, there are times I'm irresistibly drawn to that damn Sam... [Sam walks up behind Diane]... urai. Samurai Frasier Crane. Warrior of Love. That's what I call him. Samurai...
Sam & Diane: Frasier Crane.

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