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‘Just Three Friends’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Just Three Friends

211. Just Three Friends

Aired December 15, 1983

When Diane's dear old friend, Heather (Markie Post), visits the bar, Sam is convinced she has the hots for him.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Listen, I didn't want to have to tell you this because you're pals and all, but she's coming on to me gangbusters. What are you looking at me like that for?
Diane: I can't believe you're saying this.
Sam: Well, I'll tell you something else, I need a little help here. I don't have much experience saying no to women. The closest I've gotten is, "Not now, we're landing."

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Quote from Coach

Diane: And Heather, I want you to meet someone else, over here. Coach Ernie Pantusso.
Heather: Hi. How do you do?
Coach: Hi, Heather. Listen, you can call me Coach or my other nickname.
Diane: What other nickname?
Coach: Satchmo.
Diane: Coach, you're thinking of Louis Armstrong.
Coach: No, but I like that even better.

Quote from Norm

Norm: When I was dating Vera, her little sister used to always prance around wearing nothing but a bikini or flimsy little shorts or something. Yeah, she used to sit on my lap, make jokes, whisper in my ear how sexy I was. So I did it. I went ahead and asked her out. She turned me down flat.
Coach: Vera know this?
Norm: Yeah, Coach. She was there at the time. She was really furious.
Cliff: I'll bet she was. I'm surprised she even married you.
Norm: Yeah, well, the ceremony was in progress. Really wasn't much she could do about it.

Quote from Diane

Heather: That must be your Sammykins. He is gorgeous, just as you described him.
Sam: Hey.
Diane: Hi.
Heather: You didn't do justice to his cologne.
Sam: [to Diane] And you wanted me to switch. See?
Diane: Heather Landon, meet Sam "l reek, therefore I am" Malone.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Hello, everyone.
Carla: Good, Diane is here.
Diane: This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend.
Carla: You meet her this morning?
Diane: That's Carla. She likes a little witty repartee, she's just not capable of it.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, Heather and I were best friends in the fourth grade. We were always getting in trouble. I'd hate to tell you some of the things she got me to do! Remember the prank phone calls?
Heather: Oh, yeah, yeah. [mimics being on the phone] This is the WTRM radio contest. For a trip to Hawaii, name three cars that start with P. Go ahead.
Sam: Porsche, Plymouth and Pontiac.
Diane: [takes the imaginary phone] No, I'm sorry. Those cars start with gas. [both laugh]
Norm: Har-har.
Cliff: That's pathetic.

Quote from Sam

Heather: Nice meeting you, Sam. I'm just sorry Diane got to you first.
Sam: Yes, I often regret there are so many women out there and only one of me.

Quote from Coach

Heather: Ooh, muscles! [grabs Sam's arm as she walks by]
Cliff: I think Sammy's on to something here. The woman's obviously a vixen, undressing every man with her eyes.
Coach: No wonder I felt such a chill.

Quote from Carla

Diane: You and I and Sam will have dinner tonight. I'm going to cook.
Sam: Why?
Diane: Well, to celebrate. Now that Heather's living here I want us all to be good friends. And I have a special recipe to try. My own veal Oscar.
Carla: That's the award you get if you can act like you like it.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Heather, I'm sorry if this will make you uncomfortable, but I want to get this out of the way so the three of us can proceed to form a lasting friendship. Sam just now mistook your innocent flirtation for a sexual overture. Will you please explain to him your real feelings?
Heather: Sam, I want you and I don't care who knows it.
Diane: What?
Heather: Gotcha! [laughs] You're a very attractive man, but for me to give up my friendship with Diane, you'd have to be rich, too.
[Sam, Diane and Heather laugh. As they fall silent, Norm, Cliff and Carla laugh. Sam, Diane and Heather chuckle some more. As they all fall silent, Coach starts laughing uproariously]

Quote from Carla

Carla: Whitey, whitey, whitey, whitey, whitey. You're making a mistake.
Diane: What do you mean?
Carla: That so-called friend of yours is hot for Sam.
Diane: You too? Everyone here is insane. Why would you think that?
Carla: Well, Sam thinks it.
Diane: Not any more, he doesn't.
Sam: You know, I trust his first instincts. When it comes to dames, Sam's got, like, an antenna that picks up things we miss. Yeah, it's like when dogs and cats know when an earthquake is coming. No one can explain that.
Cliff: Oh, that's simple, Carla. You see, there are fissures and cracks on the surface of...
Carla: Your brain. Please, don't distract Diane from her suffering. Diane, believe me, you're being dense. If Sam says that woman is hot for him, bank on it.

Quote from Carla

Carla: We've got to get into the office to get some stock. We're out of gin and the Kahlua martinis aren't moving.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I think this is gonna be great. Just the three of us. Three good friends.
Heather: Like Quartos, Athos and Aramus.
Sam: There you go.
Diane: Well, I don't think Sam knows that reference.
Sam: Hey, hey, hey. I may not read books, but I know good music. Supremes, right?
Heather: Fabulous.
Sam: Hey, sometimes I surprise her.

Quote from Cliff

Coach: I think I found the answer to all the robberies in this neighbourhood.
Sam: Coach, don't worry about it. I'm gonna get an alarm.
Coach: No, no. This is much better. This friend of mine has this huge, gigantic attack dog. Boy, he's gotten so mean lately that he can't handle him. That would be perfect protection from burglars.
Sam: Coach, maybe so, but what are we gonna do with one? I mean, where are we gonna keep a dog, huh?
[When Sam opens his office door, there's a deep growling sound]
Coach: I figured the office.
Sam: Hey! [closes door]
Coach: It's vicious!
Sam: Coach, get that dog the hell out of here.
Coach: How?
Sam: I don't know how. How did you get him in here in the first place?
Carla: He was in a cage when they brought him in, but I think he ate it.
Sam: This is ridiculous. How am I going to use my office?
Cliff: Uh, excuse me, Sammy.
Sam: What?
Cliff: In my profession, I've grown accustomed to dealing with bellicose canine personalities. Allow me.
Carla: What are you gonna do, mace him?
Cliff: No, no, Carla. That's much too cruel. I find that dealing with animals, it's much better to be kind yet firm. [opens door] Sit!
Sam: He is sitting, Cliff.
Cliff: [closes door] Nuke the beast, Sam.

Quote from Cliff

Diane: Now, down here, these two gentlemen are Cliff and Norman, two of our most regular regulars.
Norm: Hi.
Cliff: Hiya. Pleased to do you. I mean, how do I meet me. Uh, forget it.
Norm: Smooth, Cliff.
Cliff: I hate her.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Sam, I tried reaching the owner. No answer.
Sam: Okay, thank you, Coach.
Coach: You can call me Louis Armstrong.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Yeah, yeah, look at that Norm. Just like the rest of them. Hung up on looks, personality and style.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Coach: What's wrong, Sam?
Sam: You kidding me? You didn't see that?
Coach: See what?
Norm: What are you talking about?
Sam: Guys, Diane's best friend came on to me.
Carla: You're crazy.
Norm: She knows you're with Diane so she thinks you're safe.
Sam: Forget about what she's saying. I'm talking about vibrations, here. Listen, I know women. Diane's friend wants me.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Well, just as every author has had to work among common people for material.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Well, that's our little pub.
Carla: Oh, Diane, she hasn't seen all of it yet.
Diane: What?
Carla: You didn't show her Sam's office.
Diane: Oh, right.
Sam: No, Carla!
Diane: [screams as the dog barks]
Carla: Just some of that witty repartee you love.
Sam: Carla, that was a lousy thing to do.
Carla: [blows raspberry]

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