Sam: Listen, I didn't want to have to tell you this because you're pals and all, but she's coming on to me gangbusters. What are you looking at me like that for?
Diane: I can't believe you're saying this.
Sam: Well, I'll tell you something else, I need a little help here. I don't have much experience saying no to women. The closest I've gotten is, "Not now, we're landing."

Norm: When I was dating Vera, her little sister used to always prance around wearing nothing but a bikini or flimsy little shorts or something. Yeah, she used to sit on my lap, make jokes, whisper in my ear how sexy I was. So I did it. I went ahead and asked her out. She turned me down flat.
Coach: Vera know this?
Norm: Yeah, Coach. She was there at the time. She was really furious.
Cliff: I'll bet she was. I'm surprised she even married you.
Norm: Yeah, well, the ceremony was in progress. Really wasn't much she could do about it.

Diane: And Heather, I want you to meet someone else, over here. Coach Ernie Pantusso.
Heather: Hi. How do you do?
Coach: Hi, Heather. Listen, you can call me Coach or my other nickname.
Diane: What other nickname?
Coach: Satchmo.
Diane: Coach, you're thinking of Louis Armstrong.
Coach: No, but I like that even better.

Heather: That must be your Sammykins. He is gorgeous, just as you described him.
Sam: Hey.
Diane: Hi.
Heather: You didn't do justice to his cologne.
Sam: [to Diane] And you wanted me to switch. See?
Diane: Heather Landon, meet Sam "l reek, therefore I am" Malone.

Diane: Hello, everyone.
Carla: Good, Diane is here.
Diane: This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend.
Carla: You meet her this morning?
Diane: That's Carla. She likes a little witty repartee, she's just not capable of it.

Diane: Sam, Heather and I were best friends in the fourth grade. We were always getting in trouble. I'd hate to tell you some of the things she got me to do! Remember the prank phone calls?
Heather: Oh, yeah, yeah. [mimics being on the phone] This is the WTRM radio contest. For a trip to Hawaii, name three cars that start with P. Go ahead.
Sam: Porsche, Plymouth and Pontiac.
Diane: [takes the imaginary phone] No, I'm sorry. Those cars start with gas. [both laugh]
Norm: Har-har.
Cliff: That's pathetic.

Heather: Nice meeting you, Sam. I'm just sorry Diane got to you first.
Sam: Yes, I often regret there are so many women out there and only one of me.

Heather: Ooh, muscles! [grabs Sam's arm as she walks by]
Cliff: I think Sammy's on to something here. The woman's obviously a vixen, undressing every man with her eyes.
Coach: No wonder I felt such a chill.

Diane: You and I and Sam will have dinner tonight. I'm going to cook.
Sam: Why?
Diane: Well, to celebrate. Now that Heather's living here I want us all to be good friends. And I have a special recipe to try. My own veal Oscar.
Carla: That's the award you get if you can act like you like it.

Diane: Heather, I'm sorry if this will make you uncomfortable, but I want to get this out of the way so the three of us can proceed to form a lasting friendship. Sam just now mistook your innocent flirtation for a sexual overture. Will you please explain to him your real feelings?
Heather: Sam, I want you and I don't care who knows it.
Diane: What?
Heather: Gotcha! [laughs] You're a very attractive man, but for me to give up my friendship with Diane, you'd have to be rich, too.
[Sam, Diane and Heather laugh. As they fall silent, Norm, Cliff and Carla laugh. Sam, Diane and Heather chuckle some more. As they all fall silent, Coach starts laughing uproariously]