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‘Call Me Irresponsible’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Call Me Irresponsible

720. Call Me Irresponsible

Aired April 13, 1989

Woody gets on winning streak in the bar's basketball pool. Meanwhile, Carla waits for a gift from Eddie on their anniversary.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Oh, isn't Eddie sweet? Oh, why can't more men send flowers?
Sam: I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.
Rebecca: I said more men, not Mormons.
Sam: I know they can't dance.
Norm: No, Sammy, that's the, that's the Amish.
Sam: W-Why can't Mormons send flowers?
Rebecca: They can.
Sam: Then what are you talking about?
Rebecca: I just wish someone would send me some damn roses.
Sam: Why does it have to be a Mormon?
Rebecca: Oh, come on! [storms off]
Sam: With some people, you just can't discuss religion.

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Quote from Norm

Norm: Yeah, anniversaries can be just great. I'll never forget my first anniversary with Vera. Yeah, we, uh... Oh, my God, I did forget it. Anybody know where I can get a 17-year-old box of candy?

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says "Insert beer here."

Quote from Cliff

Woody: Wait, there's something written on this five.
Cliff: Oh, that'd be mine. Here, let me give you a clean one. I'll take that back.
Woody: I don't mind.
Cliff: No, it's all right. You'll get ink all over your fingers, and Let's see what it says.
Woody: Uh, "Happy 30th birthday, Cliffie-bits. Sorry I didn't have time to shop. Love, Ma."
Sam: You've been carrying around a gift from your mother for ten years?
Norm: No, no, Sammy. The post office just delivered it yesterday.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. You're just jealous 'cause I got a ma who sends me five bucks on my birthday and you don't.
Norm: What are you talking about? Your ma sends me money all the time, Cliff. I got one right here, actually. "Dearest Norm, thanks for hanging out with my dorky son. You're a saint. Love Ma Clavin." Oh. "P.S. I'm writing this in the nude."
Cliff: My ma didn't write that! My ma's never been nude in her life!

Quote from Norm

Norm: You know, seeing a wife stand up for her husband like that makes me realize what I have at home. I guess that's kind of why I'm here.

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: I'm sorry, Woody, but you're wrong. Rebecca won.
Woody: What?
Rebecca: Well, I hope you learn from my example. I'm going to show you how a really gracious winner behaves. Read 'em and weep, farm boy! Whoo!
Detective McGuiness: Excuse me, miss?
Rebecca: Yes, sir?
Detective McGuiness: I'm Detective McGuiness, Boston Police Department. I'm off duty here, but, uh, for your sake, I really hope there isn't any gambling going on here.
Rebecca: Gambling? No, sir. I earned this money. I'm a prostitute. That isn't better, is it? Um, no, this is just a little joke. We play a little game here, but we never play for keepsies. See, I take the money in, and I give the money back like this. [whispers] Give this back to me later.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Anyway, Lilith and I have been talking, and we have decided that we would like you to decorate our unborn child's room.
Norm: All right! Sure, I can do that. I just did a nursery for my sister-in-law. I went with Gummy Bears rampant in a field of Smurfs.
Lilith: Oh, no, no, no. We'd like to stay away from that cutesie-ootsie drivel that retards the child's creative and intellectual development.
Norm: All right, uh, do we know if it's gonna be a boy or a girl?
Frasier: We are not going to cram sexual identity down our baby's throat. So, naturally, the room should be, oh, sexually neutral.
Norm: Good. Fine, I can do that. When I'm finished, your kid won't have a clue what sex it is.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Frasier, my fawn, I deserve a treat. Today my belly button turned from an innie to an outie.
Frasier: Well, this is news.
Lilith: Uh, Norm? We have a few things we'd like to ask you about.
Norm: Oh, great. Must be pretty important if you're willing to buy me a free drink.
Lilith: Oh, of course we will. A drink for Norm? What do you drink? [laughter] What's so funny?
Frasier: It's just that everyone knows Norm always drinks beer, dearest.
Lilith: Ah. That is hysterical.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: This isn't gambling, is it?
Sam: Gambling?
Rebecca: Sam, we have had this talk before. I can get closed down.
Sam: This? Oh, no, no. Thanks. This is not gambling, this is, uh well, this is a game. Uh, haven't you ever heard of, uh, Championship Tic-tac-toe? It's a game. Uh, who's next here?
Norm: Me. Me.
Sam: All righty.
Norm: It's my turn. And I will take this square here. And, uh... Oh, by the way, Sam, here's that five bucks I owe you.
Cliff: Ah, well, Normie, you, uh, you fell right into my trap there, buddy. Here you go. Oh, Sammy, by the way, this, uh, slipped out of your wallet a couple of weeks ago.
Rebecca: Oh! How stupid do you think I am? I know exactly what's going on here.
Sam: Come on, what's the big deal? It's just a friendly little game of wagering. It's a simple $500 pot.
Rebecca: I can't believe you people. Do you really think you're gonna get something for nothing? Do you know how long it takes me to earn $500? Give me three squares.

Quote from Sam

Marge: Say, aren't you Sam Malone?
Sam: Guilty as charged.
Marge: Small world. Marge Thornhill here. Don't you remember me?
Sam: Ah, boy, you know, I can't quite place the face. Where'd we meet?
Marge: Well, we didn't actually meet, but I know you'll remember me. I went to every home game you ever played.
Sam: Uh... Marge, there are a lot of people up in the stands there.
Marge: Sure, but you got to remember me. I always sat right behind first base, five rows up, remember? I used to get there, early so I could watch you warm up in the bullpen.
Sam: I'm sorry. I know, you couldn't forget this. [shouts] Hey, Malone! You pitch like my sister! Why don't you go home and make a dress!
Sam: Was that you?
Marge: Yeah.
Sam: Well, how have you been? Guys, I want you to... Do the one where you say I couldn't get the ball across the plate if I drove it there in my car.
Marge: No, no, that was then, and this is now. By the way, I'm really sorry for all those shots I gave you over the years. No hard feelings?
Sam: No, of course not. It's all part of the game.
Marge: You're a real sport, Malone. [drinks] You call this a martini?! What'd you use for vermouth, turpentine?!
Sam: The great ones never lose it.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: All right, I got it, I got it. The worst possible way to die?
Norm: Mm-hmm.
Cliff: Being eaten alive by rats.
Norm: No. I think I can do better than that. I'd say the worst way to die is to be sliding down a razor banister, okay? A greased razor banister.
Frasier: Wait, I've got it. To die alone, knowing that you have never been loved.
Norm: Come on, Frasier, if you're not even gonna try...

Quote from Woody

Carla: Woody, what time is it?
Woody: Oh, don't go by my watch. I always set it ten minutes ahead so I won't be late for things.
Carla: You were late this morning.
Woody: Yeah, I know. I couldn't find my watch.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: It's dear to see Carla so concerned about her mate. Do you remember when you gave that lecture in New York, and in a fit of whimsy, I flew in to surprise you?
Lilith: It was hardly a surprise; we booked those reservations three weeks in advance.
Frasier: So you were in on it, still it was a wacky thing to do.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Let's see, the winner is... Uh-oh. Woody. What a shame. I know how he feels about taking any of his friends' money here.
Tim: You think you can talk him into it?
Sam: [chuckles] Yeah, I'll give it a try here. Hey, Woodrow, you won the first pot.
Woody: How much did I win?
Sam: $125.
Woody: Yes! Come to Papa! Suckers! Aah! [sings] I'm in the money, I'm in the money!
Cliff: Maybe, uh, we could force him to take it.
Sam: Here, Woody, listen to me for a minute. I don't want to, like, you know, put down your good time here. Whoa, listen to me. Listen to me. It's kind of a tradition amongst gamblers, especially gamblers who want to stay alive, that you don't, you know, dance and wave money around in front of people you just won it from.
Woody: Can I sing?
Sam: No, you can't sing.
Woody: Well, I guess it'd be out of line to chant, "In your face, in your face"?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Oh, Norm?
Norm: Ah. My clients. Guys, I've, uh, devised a color scheme for the nursery, but I have to warn you, it's a bit drab.
Frasier: Oh, good. I will not have our child emotionally attached to cartoon mice and teddy bears. No. Our child will receive affection from parental embraces, administered at generously scheduled intervals.
Norm: And I'll be he comes back one day to thank you for that. Probably while you're sleeping, you won't feel a thing.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Oh, man, this is gonna be good.
Sam: Laundry? He sends you his laundry?
Carla: Yeah, once a month, but this has got to be some kind of joke. I mean, he wouldn't send it on our anniversary. There's got to be a present packed in here. Right? Oh, that Eddie what a guy. Packing a present in some laundry. It's got to be in here somewhere. I guess I was wrong. What are you all looking at? [they all turn their gaze] What are you avoiding looking at? I know what you guys think. You think he forgot. You think my marriage is in big trouble and Eddie's turning into my typical creep husband. Well, it's not true, so just go back to your stupid lives. Norm, order a beer. Clavin, bore us. Oh, Woody, why don't you tell us about how another one of your relatives lost a body part in some farm equipment?
Woody: I ever tell you about my Aunt Lefty?
Carla: Shut up. Just go on back to your sad, pathetic lives. Me, I'm going home. I'm going to go sit in a dark room and have some fun. [phone ringing] Putting on a Gene Pitney record and I'm gonna slice Eddie's face out of every picture in the house.

Quote from Carla

Carla: The women in my family, for generations, have had absolutely no talents or gifts but one. We can make up any curse and make it stick, okay? Now, tell me the truth, or my curse on you is gonna be... Let me think of a good one here.
Sam: No, not the hair; anything but the hair.
Carla: Okay, okay. Your eyes... Oh, no, wait a minute. I got it. Your tongue is gonna swell up so big, you're going to have to buy a seat on the plane for it.
Sam: Carla, this is ridiculous.
Carla: Sammy, you know I can do it. Now, look into my eyes and tell me the truth. Did you call Eddie and remind him about our anniversary?
Sam: No, Carla, I didn't.
Carla: Okay. But you and your tongue better be telling the truth. [exits]
Sam: Family curse. [slurring] How gullible does thee think I am? Oh, no. No, oh Carla! Carla!
Carla: [o.s.] What?
Sam: Nothing.

Quote from Carla

Norm: Ooh, Carla, what are you all decked out for?
Carla: It's my second wedding anniversary.
Norm: Oh. Things are going okay with you and Eddie? I mean, just last week, you were calling him a "dent-nosed, toothless little frog."
Carla: Pillow talk.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Woody, how about you?
Woody: Oh, I don't know, Sam, I don't like playing games for money. You end up either losing money or taking it from your friends.
Sam: No, no, Woody, this is just a game, man. You know, five bucks a square. You got four quarters, four chances to win.
Woody: I don't know, I don't like taking money from my friends.
Cliff: Aw, go ahead, Woody. Nobody here gives a hoot about you anyway.
Woody: Okay, great.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, guys, get a load of that guy over there with the fake beard and the dark glasses. Does that look like somebody I'm married to in a special anniversary disguise? Well, two can play at the surprise game. Your beard might be phony, but I know something about you that's real. [squeezes the mans' butt] Wait a minute. You're not Eddie. But you're not bad.

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