Narrator: Lindsay was about to find a replacement for Lupe as well.
Lucille: Who is it?
Tobias: [o.s.] [high-pitched voice; British accent] The new housekeeper. The agency sent me over.
Lucille: I'm sorry. I didn't call any-
Tobias: [enters] Oh, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Phyllidia Featherbottom and I can cook and I can clean and I can take care of the little ones. I can also, uh, sing a song or two, if it comes in handy. [sings] When you put a squirt of frosting down your throat Before we take our medications...
Narrator: Tobias had gained access to the studio's wardrobe and makeup department. He was eager to both see his daughter and prove to his wife that he had what it took to be an actor. It was the exact plot of the film Mrs. Doubtfire.
Tobias: In the most delicious way...
Narrator: There was also some Mary Poppins in there.
Lindsay: Let's get this house cleaned.

Tobias: I'm afraid I might not be able to be deposed either. I got a call out of the blue for a chance to play a very important part in The Prosecution.
Michael: The prosecution called you?
Tobias: I assume it's a CBS procedural. Although they didn't send sides, so I thought I'd trot out a Vagina Monologue, or something else I know. And they did ask for old photos and documents so I went and got these out of the secret room.
Michael: The prosecution is not a TV show. It's clearly somebody in the D.A.'s office trying to get you to flip. These guys will bend the law to enforce the law.
Tobias: Tell me that's not a CBS franchise.

Tobias: I'm his bastard father. This is my bastard son, Murphybrown.
Michael: Murphy? And his last name is Brown?
Tobias: No. Murphybrown is his first name. His last name is uh... Well, now it's Fünke.
Murphybrown: Oh, that's how you say it.
Tobias: Yes. He's named after a famous private investigator who worked for the Chicago Sun-Times and then for the Washington Post.
Michael: I believe it is a character from TV that was played by Candice Bergen.
Murphybrown: Mm.
Tobias: Well, that is a coincidence. [laughs] Uh, now I have two things to be embarrassed about. The second being keeping this a secret for so long. And I feel like I should apologize to maybe half the people in this room, but maybe most of all... Mother Bluth, because bringing my son back into our family clearly drove Lindsay away.

Tobias: As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.
Michael: Really? When did that start?
Tobias: Well... I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help.

Michael: But you got one of these too, didn't you? Y-You bought Lindsay at the same auction.
Tobias: Well, yes, but I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will. So now I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael: It's just- There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

Lindsay: Bob Loblaw's a handsome, professional man and I'm only used to ... Well, none of those things.
Tobias: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over: an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.
Lindsay: Yes, and you were almost arrested for those business cards.
Tobias: Yes. No, it did not look good on paper but I didn't stop because of the police inquiries, I stopped to raise our little daughter. But since we have both started to grow hair in unexpected places, I supposed I shall soon be working as a leading man. And she may soon start dating.

Tobias: All right, look, we're in a bad situation here. But, I've been jammed with bigger things in tighter spots than this.

Lindsay: You know what? Tobias and I will break into her house and get the specimen. We've been looking for a little excitement.
Tobias: Yeah! It'll be fun. We will be like Tracy and Hepburn. [as Katharine Hepburn] "What do you say, you old poop?"
Lindsay: Oh, God, he's Hepburn.

Tobias: My name is Dr. Tobias Funke. I was Chief Resident of Psychiatry at Mass General for two years and I did my fellowship in psycholinguistics at M.I.T. And this is "I'm a Bad, Bad Man" from Annie Get Your Gun.

Tobias: First of all, I love it. Quick question though. Am I panicked about the fire, or am I being brave for everyone else?
Casting Director: The fire? It's- It's a fire sale.
Tobias: Oh. Oh. Okay, I didn't, um... Well, let's give it a shot. [wails] Oh, my God! We're having a fire... sale. Oh, the burning! It burns me! Evacuate all the schoolchildren! [screams] [sings] Amaaa.... [shouts] This isn't a fever! [sings] zing grace... [shouts] I can't even see where the knob is! [sighs] And scene.
Casting Director: Um... Would you like to try that a little simpler maybe?
Tobias: No.