Lucille: Luz, that coat cost more than your house! [to Michael] Oh, that's how we joke. She doesn't even have a house.

Tobias: First of all, I love it. Quick question though. Am I panicked about the fire, or am I being brave for everyone else?
Casting Director: The fire? It's- It's a fire sale.
Tobias: Oh. Oh. Okay, I didn't, um... Well, let's give it a shot. [wails] Oh, my God! We're having a fire... sale. Oh, the burning! It burns me! Evacuate all the schoolchildren! [screams] [sings] Amaaa.... [shouts] This isn't a fever! [sings] zing grace... [shouts] I can't even see where the knob is! [sighs] And scene.
Casting Director: Um... Would you like to try that a little simpler maybe?
Tobias: No.

Michael: So what do you want me to do about it?
Lucille: Don't take that tone. He's my son. I want you to make him stop calling me.

Narrator: And so, Lindsay and Maeby separately went to the same restaurant to celebrate thejobs they hadn't actually performed with money they hadn't actually earned.
Lindsay: Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough.
Woman: [o.s.] Hi, Lucille!
Lucille: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.

Waitress: Bananas Foster.
Lucille: You might wanna let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
Lindsay: That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say, "You might wanna lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol."
Lucille: Mine was better.

Michael: Please, do you even wanna be in charge?
Gob: No! But I'd like to be asked. This is just like when we were kids, and you were the only one he let work in the banana stand.
Michael: Well, I got news for you. Dad still doesn't trust me to this day. He treats me like a low-level employee.
Gob: Better than being treated like the goofball the joker, the magician. [gestures with hands]
Michael: I thought you were gonna do, like, a trick there. A fireball or something.
Gob: I was. It didn't go off. These things never go off when you want them to. My least consistent trick.

Michael: I need the flight records, Dad. I'm trying to find some money for the family.
George Sr.: There's always money in the banana stand. [clicks tongue] I am having a love affair with this ice cream sandwich. Want some? You wanna take a bite? Take a bite.
Michael: Please. Please.
George Sr.: Come on. Take a bite. Bite.
Michael: The S.E.C. has locked up our funds. These guys aren't messing around.
Prison Guard: No touching!
Michael: So I need you to tell me. Were you taking vacations in the jet? Is that what you're hiding from me?
George Sr.: I haven't had a vacation in years. This is my vacation. I'm exercising. I'm- I'm sleeping well.
Michael: You're doing time.
George Sr.: I'm doing the time of my life!

Michael: Well, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna give you a promotion. Welcome aboard, Mr. Manager.
George Michael: Wow! I'm Mr. Manager!
Michael: Well, manager. We just say "manager." And you can hire an employee if you need one.
George Michael: Do you think I need one?
Michael: Don't look at me, Mr. Manager.
George Michael: Right. It's up to me now. I'm Mr. Manager.
Michael: Manager. We just say-
George Michael: I know, but you just-
Michael: It doesn't matter who.

Tobias: I agree with Michael. It's important not to tie your self-esteem into how you look or what people think of you. I mean, look at me. I'm an actor. An actor, for crying out loud! I mean, you know how much rejection I face every day? But in this business of show you have to have the heart of an angel and the hide of an elephant.
Lindsay: But you've never actually had an audition.
Tobias: Well... [as Steve Martin] excuse me! [normal voice] Excuse me. [exits]

Maeby: I can't believe I volunteered for this. This is my stupidest rebellion ever. Hey, do you wanna go play Skee-Ball?
George Michael: Wait. This is the cash drawer. My dad's gonna come by at the end of the weekend and the number of bananas has to match the amount of money in here.
Maeby: Oh, so it all has to even out?
George Michael: Exactly.
Maeby: Easy. Banana. [throws banana in the trash can] Buck. Banana. [again] Take a buck.