Buster: They're taking me in the army. They didn't think there was enough wrong with me.
Lucille: Well, did they check everything?
Buster: Yes. They even touched my Charlie Browns.

Buster: Mother, have you seen my rubber hand?
Lucille: Oh, it's in the dishwasher. Your father and I were using it for something.
Buster: Oh, for God's sake. Can't you keep my hand to yourself?!

George Sr.: J. Walter Weatherman was in on it, too?
Michael: Right from the very start.
Buster: So you did use him. Look at this place. Look at my home.
Police Officer: Freeze! Drop the gun.
Michael: It's okay. We're just trying to teach this guy a lesson.
J. Water Weatherman: Drop the gun! [gun shot] [Buster screams]
Buster: Oh, my God!
Gob: Buster's good hand just came...
Michael: ...flying off.
Buster: And that's why you don't use a one-armed person to scare someone.

Narrator: Michael headed home to tell Buster his plan for making the family come back.
Michael: I've sent away the fumigator, and all you got to do, so we can declare you missing, is stay out of sight for about 72 hours.
Buster: Milford style.
Michael: Hmm?
Buster: I'm a Milford man, Michael.
Michael: Yeah?
Buster: Winner of 1982's Least Seen on Campus. Oh, I wish I could've seen their faces at the ceremony.

Buster: Did I exaggerate about her?
Inmate: She really is just like the mother in Two and a Half Men.
Lucille: No, you did not.
Buster: Start watching that show? Yes, I did, Mother. And you lied to me. There's no scary half-man that I couldn't handle.
Lucille: I don't approve of that show.

Lindsay: You know, Michael, Dad did name Mom as his successor.
Lucille: And I'm putting Buster in charge.
Gob: That's a good choice.
Michael: Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land?
Lucille: He's had business classes.
Buster: Wa-Wa-Wa-Wait. Eighteenth-century agrarian business. But I guess it's all the same principles. Let me ask you, are you at all concerned about an uprising?

Narrator: Back at the model home, Michael was adjusting to the absence of his son, by enjoying the company of his brother.
Michael: You know, I'm in pretty good shape. You could be eating my dust all day, slowpoke.
Narrator: And Buster was starting to give as good as he got.
Buster: Yeah. And you might be eating... [bleep] [bleeping continues]
Michael: Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Gob: She always makes everything about her.
Lindsay: Ugh, she's the last person I ever want to need something from.
Michael: Well, she likes to be needed, just as long as it doesn't cost her anything.
Buster: It's like she gets off on being withholding.
Michael: Whoa, Buster.
Gob: Look who's got something to say.
Buster: [giggles] I'm Mom, and I wanna shoot down everything you say so I feel good about myself. [laughs]
Gob: Look who's ragging on the old lady.
Lindsay: Finally.
Buster: 'Cause I'm an uptight- [long bleep] Buster! [long bleep] You old horny slut!
Michael: Well, no one's gonna top that.

Lindsay: Buster's out of control.
Michael: What do you mean, another panic attack?
Buster: Me? No. She's just wigged out because I have a girlfriend.
Lucille: A waiter hands him a note; suddenly he's Steve McQueen. He doesn't even know what she looks like.
Buster: I know she's a brownish area with points. And I know I love her.
Lucille: I'm calling Dr. Miller. [exits]
Buster: Okay, I don't know I love her but I cannot tell you how liberating it is to be with someone who's not Mom who's nothing like her.
Michael: Yeah, and you're just you're just jumping right into this, huh?
Buster: Oh, yes. Yes. That's what you do when life hands you a chance to be with someone special. You just grab that that brownish area by its points and you don't let go, no matter what your mom says. Mmm!
Michael: Good talk.

Narrator: At that moment, Buster was taking his physical at the recruitment center.
Buster: I have a hole in my heart. I've never opened my eyes underwater. My, um, [whispers] reproductive organ is shaped like a lobster tail, but without its shell, hmm? Oh, I guess I have the panic attacks under control. Oh, and I'm legally blind at night.
Narrator: But Buster had miscalculated the army's current need for personnel.
Army Doctor: Okay, then, let's get you fitted for a uniform.
Buster: What? What?