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Season 1, Episode 1 -  Aired November 2, 2003

Michael Bluth is ready to leave his family and their business behind when his father doesn't promote him to CEO.

Quote from Lindsay

Lindsay: It's been crazy. We just had an amazing fund-raiser for HOOP.
Michael: HOOP?
Lucille: My anti-circumcision movement.
Lindsay: I think it looks frightening when it's cut off. It's a Doberman. Let it have its ears.


Quote from George Sr.

Michael: I was so loyal. I worked so hard. Why didn't you just put me in charge?
George Sr.: Michael, listen to me. These guys, the S.E.C., they've been after me for years. I put you in charge, you're gonna be wearing one of these jumpsuits too.
Michael: I could've helped-
George Sr.: You'd be an accomplice. No. It had to be your mom. [whispers] They cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime.
Michael: Yeah, I don't think that that's true, Dad.
George Sr.: Really? [sighs] I got the worst [bleep] attorneys.

Quote from Lucille

Narrator: This is Michael Bluth. For 10 years, he's worked for his father's company waiting to be made a partner. And right now, he's happy. This is Michael's mother.
Lucille: Look what they've done, Michael.
Narrator: She isn't happy.
Lucille: Look what the homosexuals have done to me.
Michael: You can't just comb that out and reset it?
Narrator: Currently, she's upset that her husband's retirement party is being upstaged by a group of gay protesters.
Gay Protesters: We're here! We're queer! We want to get married on the ocean!
Lucille: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire.
Lindsay: Good grief, Mother. Not all homosexuals are flamboy- Oh, my God! I have the exact same blouse.
Narrator: This is Michael's twin sister, Lindsay.
Lucille: I like it better on him.

Quote from George Michael

Gob: Are those police boats? No, I'm serious. I think they are police boats.
Police Officer: [over bullhorn] Prepare to be boarded. Prepare to be boarded.
George Michael: I knew it was against the law.

Quote from Buster

Lindsay: You know, Michael, Dad did name Mom as his successor.
Lucille: And I'm putting Buster in charge.
Gob: That's a good choice.
Michael: Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land?
Lucille: He's had business classes.
Buster: Wa-Wa-Wa-Wait. Eighteenth-century agrarian business. But I guess it's all the same principles. Let me ask you, are you at all concerned about an uprising?

Quote from Tobias

Tobias: My name is Dr. Tobias Funke. I was Chief Resident of Psychiatry at Mass General for two years and I did my fellowship in psycholinguistics at M.I.T. And this is "I'm a Bad, Bad Man" from Annie Get Your Gun.

Quote from Lucille

Narrator: Lucille was finding it difficult to go about her daily life.
Lucille: The S.E.C. is making him out to be some kind of mastermind, which believe me he's not. The man can barely work our shredder.

Quote from Lindsay

Michael: Let me ask you a question. Where the hell have you been? Why didn't you call me?
Lindsay: Look at my life, Michael. Tobias is out of work. We're in debt. It's...
Michael: What are you doing? Are you trying to cry?
Lindsay: I'm sad. Life is hard right now. I've got the J.D.L. on my ass.
Michael: J.D.L.?
Lindsay: [whispers] Jewish Defense League.
Michael: Oh, the circumcision thing? This is why I was against HOOP. Why didn't you just mind your own business?

Quote from George Michael

Michael: What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing?
George Michael: Breakfast.
Michael: Family.
George Michael: Family. Right. I thought you meant of the things you eat.

Quote from Michael

Michael: And when I do get that promotion I'll finally be able to get you what you deserve. Like a real home.
George Michael: This is a real home.
Michael: No, it's not. It's a fake home, son. [removes cereal from underneath a fake turkey] You want the loops or the flakes today?

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