Lindsay: Bob Loblaw's a handsome, professional man and I'm only used to ... Well, none of those things.
Tobias: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over: an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.
Lindsay: Yes, and you were almost arrested for those business cards.
Tobias: Yes. No, it did not look good on paper but I didn't stop because of the police inquiries, I stopped to raise our little daughter. But since we have both started to grow hair in unexpected places, I supposed I shall soon be working as a leading man. And she may soon start dating.

Michael: It's been a week. Nothing's happened.
Larry: Yeah, but you're not the one stuck under house arrest like a sitting duck.
Michael: Yeah, that's my father. That's why we had the meeting here, so that he couldn't interfere.
Larry: Interfere? I ought to pull down your pants and spank your ass raw.
Michael: I'm sorry. Have we met?
Bob Loblaw: Oh, yes, this is Larry Mittleman. He's your father's surrogate.
Michael: Surrogate?
Larry: That's right, you dumb [bleep].
George Sr.: [into headset] I hired this guy to wear a camera in his hat so he could be my eyes and ears while I'm stuck in this penthouse.
Larry: This camera helps me keep tabs on you idiots, while this thing rubs my ankle raw.
George Sr.: I mean, look at this thing.
Larry: I can't even go in the hallway...
George Sr.: without hearing
Larry: that beep, beep, beep.
Bob Loblaw: [checks pager] That's one of my partners. Excuse me.

Lindsay: So you're not the only one who's got a date later.
Gob: You've got a date?
Michael: Her name's Rita. She teaches children at a private school and we're just having lunch.
Gob: Oh, lunch? Well, better bring some dog food. 'Cause all the girls you date are dogs, and dogs love dog food, right, Pop?
Larry: Shut up, you idiot. I'm trying to watch the game.
Gob: I was trying to make you laugh, Dad. That's all I ever wanted.

George Michael: Another date with Steve Holt?
Maeby: Yeah. We're getting pretty serious.
Narrator: They weren't. She was just avoiding her real crush on George Michael.
Maeby: That Steve sure knows how to please a lady.
George Michael: Good. I was helping he would be gifted sexually. I guess it makes sense, you know, older guys expect certain things.
Maeby: They do?
George Michael: What a fun, sexy time for you.

Bob Loblaw: I'd be very careful of these British people. They're going to try to get their hands on any evidence they can to hurt the family.
George Sr.: [into headset] So you're saying shred the evidence?
Bob Loblaw: No, that's illegal. The prosecution is entitled to that evidence. Without it, they don't have a case.
George Sr.: So you're saying shred the evidence?
Bob Loblaw: That's a felony. And I certainly couldn't endorse anything like that.
George Sr.: Got ya. Wink.
Larry: Wink. Did you say "wink" or did you wink?
Michael: He said that, too, Dad.

Michael: Gob, instead of trying to impress your fake father, maybe you should spend some time with your real son.
Gob: Steve Holt's not my son.
George Michael: Steve Holt? The moron jock?
Gob: That's my son, you pothead.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey, that's my son.
George Michael: Wait, so that means that Steve Holt is my cousin? And Maeby's cousin, too.
Michael: I guess. Shoot, I'm late for my date.
Gob: At the kennel. [laughs] Right. Sorry. You lobbed that one right over the plate, Michael. Home run.

Narrator: So Michael went back to work.
Michael: Hey, who brought in the wood- [machine whirrs] Gob, you can't shred this evidence. You'll end up in jail.
Gob: Dad told me to. How can I say no to that face? [looks at Larry]

Buster: Ah, did you tell him about my medal?
Michael: Medal? What for?
Lucille: Oh, who knows what they were saying?
[flashback:]
Army Sergeant: [talks rapidly] Do you agree with this? Say thank you.
Buster: Thank you. Wow. I have so many people to thank.
Man: [o.s.] Private Ashford, step forward.
[present:]
Lucille: It's probably because a seal bit off his hand. The army has taken to giving medals for being food.

Buster: Well, Mom's probably right. I couldn't even stand up to a seal. I don't real deserve a medal or a party.
Tobias: No, you deserve this. Here, take my business card. [Buster gasps] No, no, it's pronounced a-nal-ra-pist.
Buster: It wasn't really the pronunciation that bothered me.
Tobias: You see, Buster, it wasn't the seal that you couldn't stand up to. It was Lucille. [gasps] Oh, I'm getting chills. If this was a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break.
Narrator: But it wasn't.

Narrator: And later Lindsay was on the phone with Bob Loblaw.
Lindsay: [on the phone] I love Tobias, but he's never fulfilled me sexually.
Bob Loblaw: Can you catalog for me the various ways you've been promised to be fulfilled whether or not said promise was made explicit?
Lindsay: You want me to be explicit?
Bob Loblaw: Yes, but I will be needing to get off in four minutes.
Lindsay: Well, let's see if I can't hit that target for you.