Michael: We need to speak to you about getting a divorce for Gob.
Barry: Oh, well, I got Michael out of his marriage, didn't I? [raises hand for high-five]
Michael: Actually, she died.
Barry: You're kidding me. I've been taking credit for that for years.
Michael: Credit?

Barry: I'm sorry, sorry. I'm so late. I had another hearing. Here's the good news, I think I'm gonna get off, huh? I have a good lawyer. You look great in red. Okay. "Anyhoo," what are we doing here? What's the plan?
Lucille: The plan? You're our lawyer.
Barry: It's a figure of speech. You're gonna be fine.

Michael: [on the phone] Barry, you still there?
Barry: So I got a really interesting call from Ron Howard, of all people. He's directing now, apparently, and wants to meet you at his office in, get this, Beverly Hills.
Michael: Why does Ron- Why does Ron Howard want to meet with me?
Barry: I don't know. His office didn't say. And if you don't mind, I'm a little busy with a case of my own.
Michael: Did you get any other information?
Barry: Apparently, he directed a movie called Cocoon.
Michael: Sorry. I was unclear about why he wants to meet with me.
Barry: I don't know. You want me to tell him to go [bleep] himself? I can tell Ron Howard to go [bleep] himself.
Tell him to shove it up his [bleep]. I just can't do it now because I'm in front of a jury.
Michael: Barry, I will meet with him. Wait- You're in front of a jury right now?
Barry: Oh, and the looks I'm getting. Got to go. [hangs up] Sorry, everybody. I'm an attorney, too.

Narrator: George, Sr. had just discovered that the millions of dollars of American property he owned was worthless...
George Sr.: [on the phone] How did you not notice? You saw all the papers.
Narrator: ...and in Mexico.
Barry: You can't expect me to read every page of that deal. Besides, that one was particularly difficult because it was all in Spanish. It says very clearly, on my business card, "Se habla espanol." I do not speak Spanish.

Barry: Maeby, you scared the [bleep] out of me.
Maeby: What are you doing here?
Barry: Well, I could ask you the same thing.
Maeby: I go to high school here.
Barry: I could answer the same thing. I was just looking for something more believable.
Maeby: Speaking of believable, I was going to ask you a question about that. Um, can somebody get kicked out of high school if they're too old? I think I was made at a bar.
Barry: I know this part of the law very, very well. After 21, it is illegal for you to enroll in high school in the state of California. As a matter of fact, you cannot even lurk. [scoffs] "Lurk." What, do they got cameras in the bushes? Why would they do that? You can't even see into the locker rooms from there.
Maeby: Okay, so what do I do? Because the guy who caught me goes to school with me.
Barry: Oh, well, that's easy. You get something incriminating on him. Call me in the office, we'll discuss it, and then I can also keep a record, you know, for billing and so forth.
Maeby: Yeah, well, maybe I'll just keep a record of it, too, so I can follow up with my own bill.
Barry: [chuckles] Very good. You should be the lawyer. Very good. Pro bono.

Barry: I think that mothers cannot accept the idea that they've raised someone who could do something so vile.
Buster: What?
Barry: In my case, twice. Well, two times, allegedly. This falls under client-attorney privilege, right?

Barry: [on the phone] I'm here.
Michael: At the prison? You're at the prison?
Barry: Yeah. And I'm not making a lot of friends, either. I mean, the guards hate me, 'cause what the hell is a defense attorney doing here? And the inmates hate me, 'cause what the hell is a defense attorney doing in the shower?
Michael: What are you doing in there, Barry?
Barry: Legally, it's the only place they can't record you when you talk to inmates.
Michael: I don't think that's true.
Barry: Really? I got the worst [bleep] clients.

Narrator: And Michael was forced to, once again call in the counsel of Barry Zuckerkorn.
George Sr.: Thank you. Thank you for coming down on Christmas Eve.
Barry: Oh, it's like any other day, except that I bill double.

Narrator: And that's when they got some good news from Barry.
Barry: First of all, won't be cheap. It's gonna cost you a fortune in legal fees.
George Sr.: What's the good news?
Narrator: Correction. Good news for Barry.
Barry: All bad news. It's all bad news.
Narrator: Although, he did have one good suggestion.
Barry: You're going away for a long time, unless we can come up with a good alibi.

Narrator: While attempting to bail out his brother, Buster, Michael had accidentally bailed out the family attorney.
Michael: Barry, what's it gonna cost to get Buster out?
Barry: I don't know. What's he in for? Murder? Manslaughter?
Michael: No. No. There's no murder. He simply tampered with evidence when Lucille 2 went missing.
Barry: I would say over $50,000.
Michael: Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, I told you, I'm tapped out.
Barry: Couldn't you just embe-- borrow from your company?