George Michael: Oh, no, it's my Dad. I'm supposed to be at work.
Maeby: You know, George Michael, you worry too much. It's Sunday. You're allowed to have a couple of hours off. You don't see me nervous about being on my third Virgin Mary.
George Michael: Why would you be nervous? There's no alcohol in a Virgin Mary.
Maeby: There isn't? This is unbelievable. Can I get a virgin pina colada when you get a chance? Now we'll get things started.

Maeby: Look. Here's my advice. Okay? You go to Rebel's, you take my bag of lacy ticklers, hoo-ha bras, dog toys, and sex knobs with you. And you act like you're expecting a booty call, as the old people think the young people say. All right? You tell her, "I'm just here for a quickie, and I'm out of here." Mr. Brash. And she'll drop you like a buttered cane.
George Michael: Is that something old people say?
Maeby: Yeah. I'm trying to get it going.
George Michael: That's cool.

George Michael: Maeby, what are you doing? You know, I still don't get why you're pretending to be two people, and why is one of you sick?
Maeby: Hey, you don't get giant checks if you're healthy. Plus, who's going to get mad at the dying girl?
George Michael: Surely's dying?
Maeby: I figure I'll kill her off just before graduation. Just so everyone gets really sad before prom.
George Michael: Maeby, someone's going to get hurt. Not to mention it's kind of disrespectful for kids who actually have this.
Maeby: Not a lot of kids have B.S. these days.
George Michael: What does that stand for?
Maeby: I don't know. It's B.S.

Maeby: I just feel like I gotta move on with my life, you know? Find some meaning. Get going with my own goop.
George Michael: Goop? What is goop?
Maeby: If you have to ask, you probably don't know what it is.
George Michael: I don't know what it is. I feel like maybe you don't know what it is.
Maeby: Maybe it's "go-op"?
George Michael: To me, that would make less sense.
Maeby: Maybe that's what "go-op" is. Not everything always making sense.
Narrator: It isn't.

Stan Sitwell: I'd like to see that paperwork.
Maeby: Yes. Well, I recently moved here from New Orleans, and I...
Narrator: Narrator: Maeby was proud of this lie.
Maeby: ...lost all my personal paperwork in Hurricane Cantina.
Stan Sitwell: Ooh. That's complicated.
Maeby: Yes. It is. Unless I'm expected to lose a home for the second time. Of course, I could just pack up my shorty shorts, my silky pajamas, my peekaboo bras, my ticklers, sex knobs, and lacy hoo-has and hit the road.
Stan Sitwell: I can't ask you to do that.

George Michael: We've got to stop the lying in this family.
Maeby: Tell me about it. I mean, you tell one little story to get a place to live. Next thing you know, you're sorting through your roommate's pills to figure out which one will kill his sex drive.
George Michael: What you mean like estrogen?
Maeby: Wait, that's a thing? I mean, I was just day plotting.
George Michael: I'm going to stop you right there. The minute you start talking about neutering your romantic partner, you're into shit that even Gangie wouldn't do.
Maeby: The monster or the grandmother?
George Michael: The monster. But, yeah, I don't think our grandmother would do that.
Maeby: Yeah, maybe it is too far. I guess I can just pretend like I have an illness where I forget everything.
George Michael: You mean like Alzheimer's?
Maeby: That's a thing, too? I was just crime-storming. You know, just lying out loud. How funny.

George Michael: Even though we just left the stair car there when it broke down? I mean, what if they find it?
Maeby: I'm sure somebody got it working and it's long gone. And it's not like you're actually lying to your dad. You're just letting him believe something that isn't true. You know? Like how people think the world's melting because people drive cars, or that Hillary should continue to roam free.
Narrator: And Maeby realized she had something else to say good-bye to.
Maeby: Good-bye, Fox & Friends.

Maeby: Well, that explains why Maeby's credit cards aren't working.
George Michael: Maeby's credit cards?
Maeby: Oh, sorry. The minute I put the teeth in, I become a completely different person. [chuckles] Speaking of which, there's your solution. We both have alter egos, and I think it's about time we killed them off. What do you say? George Maharis can have a heart attack. Maeby gets hit by a bus.
George Michael: You're killing off Maeby?
Maeby: Yup, see you.
George Michael: I know Annette can be forgetful, but she remembers Maeby is the dominant personality, right?
Maeby: Hey, I got a pretty sweet setup here. Okay? I finally got rid of my beloved Stan. He's in the hospital, massive head injury. Free rent. New neighbors every six to eight months. Also, Maeby doesn't even have a high school diploma. Not a good move, given the world my generation is leaving hers.
George Michael: I'm glad it's easy for you, but me and George Maharis have the same teeth. [Maeby chuckles] People are gonna figure it out. If I'm not arrested for fraud, I'll be in debt for life. I'm gonna end up in my old bedroom.
Maeby: Yeah. It's six o'clock. I'm already an hour and a half late for dinner. And I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but, uh... Annette, she like-a the pasta, hmm? [sings] How did you ever find me?

Maeby: Well, if he said it was nothing and now you apologize, you're gonna make it something. I mean, what did Gangie always say? "Forget, but never forgive."
George Michael: You think she meant to say it that way?
Maeby: Yeah.
George Michael: Do you think "A friend in need is no friend indeed" was also on purpose? Or what about "They should take the rapists and murderers and put them all together on an island..."
Maeby: "and all the murderers can be raped, the rapists can be murdered"
Both: "until you only have either two rapists or"
Maeby: "one murderer"
George Michael: "one raped murderer"
Both: "but who cares about him?"
Maeby: Oh, was it "one raped murderer"?
George Michael: I've heard her say it both ways. I mean, in all likelihood, the guy would be raped.

Maeby: How do you think I feel? He said he would help me on this essay for The Old Man and the Sea.
Michael: I'll help you with that later.
Maeby: Oh, great. Okay. So you have to read this, and then explain it and, this is important, say it in my own words, okay? Smart, but not too smart. Let's have a four-syllable max.