Michael: Where are you getting all the money?
Lindsay: It's not costing you anything.
Michael: Unless you're stealing or working, I'm pretty sure it is.
Lindsay: That's right. I stole it.
Narrator: In fact, Lindsay, tired of wearing last year's fashions went to an upscale department store and in a moment of desperation applied for a job.
Lindsay: Can I have a job application please?
Narrator: But she was ashamed of being a shop girl and was relieved when Michael gave her the out.
Lindsay: Well, they expect a certain amount of theft, Michael. It's built into the price. If I didn't take it, then people would be overpaying for nothing.

Lindsay: There's a cream with real diamonds in it. I can actually smear diamonds on my face, and it's only $400 a tub. That's like, what, like a million diamonds for $400?
Michael: Mm.
Lindsay: A million [bleep] diamonds.

Michael: No, his girlfriend, from me. I just caught him sneaking up to her in the attic and he clearly did so because he thinks I don't approve. You know, I think I'm gonna invite her to the wake. Why make him hide? Why do to him what- Why do to him what Dad used to do to me?
Lindsay: [sobs] He was so amazing.
Michael: That was actually an example of how not so amazing he was. Boy, you're really going through something here, huh?
Lindsay: I know! You know, it's funny, all those years when I pretended to cry I used to use Dad's death to get me going. I tried it with Mom's, but I'd just end up smiling and ruining it.

Narrator: And later that day, Michael caught Lindsay up on the emotional bond he was forming with Sally.
Lindsay: Oh, big deal, three times. I've had three times plenty of times.
[flashback to Lindsay in bed alone:]
Lindsay: [groans] Yes!
Tobias: [enters] Did you call my name?
Lindsay: Absolutely not.

Michael: Besides, I doubt very much Mom's come up with a real disease to have a fund-raiser for.
Lindsay: I forgot. We have a real disease. I chose it. G.V.H.: Graft Versus Host. It's new, it's fatal, and guess who's got it?
[flashback:]
Dr. Carr: You've heard of bodies rejecting transplants? Well, in this case, your transplanted hair is rejecting your body. Either you remove your hair graft, or the host - you - will get sicker and eventually die.
Lindsay: Can you think of any benefits?
Dr. Carr: Benefits? No. He'll die.
Lindsay: Oh, yeah, no, I get that. But have there ever been any fund-raisers?
[present:]
Lindsay: A husband with the headlining disease. Everyone's going to want to talk to me.
Michael: You're making him keep the hair?
Lindsay: Did you see the attention Superman's wife got?

Lindsay: So I've got a date with the guy with the brain-dead mom. I mean, it's just a picket for them to pull the plug on our loved ones.
Michael: Giving up hope on Buster pretty quickly there, Lindsay.
Lindsay: Listen, I know Buster. I know what he wants.
[flashback:]
Buster: Oh, I love soup. If the only thing I could do was lay in bed all day and eat soup, I'd be happy. I wouldn't even have to taste it. I could just take it through a tube. That would actually be better 'cause I wouldn't even burn my mouth. Never let me die.
[present:]
Lindsay: Yeah, he wants out. Anyway, you and I both know he's probably just faking.

Lindsay: Yeah, well, I think it's crazy. You've given her access to everything... the banking and for what? I mean, you're basing this whole thing on the fact that she shares a name with someone you played with as a baby.
Michael: Lindsay, I can tell that it's real. It's like that feeling that you read about twins having.
Lindsay: We're twins. You didn't give me access to the banking.
Michael: No, you'd just, you'd go out and you'd just whore it up, Lindsay, you know? Now she's different. She's a little bit more like me. It's like we finish each other's...
Lindsay: Sandwiches?
Michael: Sentences. Why would I say...
Lindsay: Sandwiches?
Michael: That time I was going to say sandwiches.

Narrator: And back at the ceremony, Lucille had taken the podium to deliver a speech her daughter thought she had failed to write.
Lucille: "As grateful as I am to be with my family today, I want to make special mention of my only daughter, who thinks I didn't write a speech. This young woman has had to show enormous strength, and not just to endure having me as a mother. [crowd laughs] But she's the one we honor today, a woman I should have honored long ago, because I've got a daughter who has many faces, and all of them are beautiful."
Maeby: She stole my speech.
Lucille: Maybe you can show the world the smile I love so much.
Maeby: That doesn't make sense without meth teeth!
Narrator: But it made sense to Lindsay.
Lindsay: I've been wanting to hear that since I was a little girl. I didn't think I would.
Lucille: Well, now you have.
Lindsay: God, it was my dream. What a waste of a dream. It's nothing. [stammering] I can see that now. I think I'm gonna go now. Find out who my real family is.

Narrator: Michael and Lindsay proceeded to drink and air their grievances about their mother.
Lindsay: She's always trying to get me to admit that my marriage isn't working.
Michael: And how's it going with you and Tobias?
Lindsay: It's not working.

Waitress: And what would you like?
Lindsay: I'd like my old life back.