‘In God We Trust’
Season 1, Episode 7 - Aired December 14, 2003
Michael and Lindsay try to get their father out of prison for the day so he can see Lucille on a date with their lawyer Barry Zuckerkorn (Henry Winkler). Meanwhile, George Michael is nervous about appearing in a living art exhibition.
Quote from Lindsay
Michael: You guys were not sharing a bedroom before?
Lindsay: Well, the cutoffs aren't exactly a turn-on.
Michael: Yeah. What's the deal with the cutoffs?
Lindsay: You've got to promise not to tell anyone this.
Lindsay: He's a never-nude.
Michael: Is that exactly what it sounds like?
Quote from Tobias
Narrator: Tobias suffered a rare psychological affliction of never being able to be completely naked.
[flashback to Tobias emerging from a dressing room:]
Tobias: Excuse me. Do these effectively hide my thunder?
[flashback to Tobias in a doctor's office:]
Proctologist: Oh, I'm sorry. No, I need you to be completely undressed.
Tobias: I am completely undressed.
Michael: I thought he just liked cutoffs.
Lindsay: Me too.
Quote from Lindsay
Narrator: Michael and Lindsay proceeded to drink and air their grievances about their mother.
Lindsay: She's always trying to get me to admit that my marriage isn't working.
Michael: And how's it going with you and Tobias?
Lindsay: It's not working.
Quote from Gob
Narrator: Maeby's parents didn't find the ticket, but Gob did.
Narrator: ...which confirmed his suspicions.
Gob: Gonna live it up down old South America way, huh, Mikey?
Quote from Gob
Gob: Michael, I'm onto you. The Spanish lessons, the lawyer. If you're heading for Portugal, it's due south!
Quote from Barry Zuckerkorn
Narrator: And Michael was forced to, once again call in the counsel of Barry Zuckerkorn.
George Sr.: Thank you. Thank you for coming down on Christmas Eve.
Barry: Oh, it's like any other day, except that I bill double.
Quote from Michael
Michael: Where is all this coming from? I thought we were getting along.
Lindsay: Yeah, so did I. And now I hear you're telling our mother that I'm completely irresponsible and a stay-in-bed mom.
Michael: That doesn't even sound like me. That sounds like Mom or Bruce Vilanch. Could be Bruce Vilanch.
Lindsay: Then why would she say it?
Michael: Because we're getting along.
Lindsay: Because we're friends again.
Michael: You gotta remember Mom typically has nothing in her system except a bottle of vodka and an estrogen pill.
Quote from George Michael
Narrator: And George Michael was trying to pass as a more muscular boy than he actually was.
George Michael: One hundred.
Maeby: One hundred? I had you at 10.
George Michael: I did some earlier in the day. It's a running total. So what's with the suitcase?
Maeby: It's a little test to get my parents to notice me. You ever get the feeling like no one even sees you?
George Michael: I've got a really good body, so no.
Quote from Lucille
Michael: I gave that money to Lindsay to pay off her credit card debt.
Lucille: What'd she do, get you drunk?
Michael: No, we just, uh, well... We did drink a little bit. How'd you know that?
Lucille: Because that's what she said she'd do. I said you wouldn't give her the money, and she said, "He will if I get him drunk." Probably because she thinks you're a cheap bastard. Oh. Her words.
Michael: She set me up? All that stuff about her marital troubles and Tobias being a never-nude?
Lucille: A never-nude? I thought he just liked cutoffs.
Quote from Maeby
Narrator: Maeby, too, continued to try to teach her parents a lesson.
Maeby: Okay, so I printed the fake airline ticket from my computer. If my parents miss this, I really might go to South America.
George Michael: That says "Portugal."
Maeby: That's right.