Narrator: Buster had recently brought home a turtle in an incredibly misguided attempt to make his mother jealous.
Buster: You can stay in this box that Uncle/Father Oscar left behind.
Narrator: In fact, it was a box of Oscar's legally obtained medical marijuana.
Buster: Oh, good, you've already got grass.
Narrator: Primo bud. Real sticky weed.
[present:]
Buster: Although I was getting a little worried because she was moving really slowly last week. And then she stopped. Hmm.

Michael: Yeah, well, in any event, I'm here, Mom, because you need me. As you know, the Bluth Foundation dinner is a week away. I am your cochair, and we don't want to relive the "TBA" debacle.
[flashback:]
Narrator: Years earlier, the Bluths had a hard time agreeing on a cause for their foundation's first fund-raiser.
George Sr.: "Herpes." "Shrinkage." Somebody saw Seinfeld last night. "Neck flap." "Ovarian cancer." Gee, I wonder who that was. One more for neck flap.
Buster: Yes.
Lindsay: Well, I'll be honest, I haven't heard anything that beats herpes.
Narrator: So they sent out invitations with the disease still to be announced. And, much to their surprise, the Bluths ended up raising over $25,000 to fight "TBA." And then - and here's the really horrible part - they did it again the following year.
Gob: Keep fighting, little guy. With your support of the Bluth Foundation, we'll live in a galaxy where "TBA" does not exist.

Michael: When people at the last gala found out, we almost had a riot on our hands.
Lucille: Well, you don't have to worry about anything like that this year, because Warden Gentles is the new cochair.
Michael: The guy who ran Dad's prison?
Lucille: He's here now installing cameras because of all your father's escape attempts.
George Sr.: Uh, yeah, looks like I won't be going anywhere for a little while. What do I care, huh? I have a beautiful wife, I have a wonderful hobby. Hah, look at me, I'm having the time of my life!
Narrator: His hobby was making papier-mache copies of his own head.
George Sr.: Oh, before I forget, do you know if these cameras are hi-def?

Michael: Besides, I doubt very much Mom's come up with a real disease to have a fund-raiser for.
Lindsay: I forgot. We have a real disease. I chose it. G.V.H.: Graft Versus Host. It's new, it's fatal, and guess who's got it?
[flashback:]
Dr. Carr: You've heard of bodies rejecting transplants? Well, in this case, your transplanted hair is rejecting your body. Either you remove your hair graft, or the host - you - will get sicker and eventually die.
Lindsay: Can you think of any benefits?
Dr. Carr: Benefits? No. He'll die.
Lindsay: Oh, yeah, no, I get that. But have there ever been any fund-raisers?
[present:]
Lindsay: A husband with the headlining disease. Everyone's going to want to talk to me.
Michael: You're making him keep the hair?
Lindsay: Did you see the attention Superman's wife got?

Tobias: I'm afraid I'm with Michael on this. The guy runs a prison, he can have any piece of ass he wants.

Tobias: Oh, come on, don't leave your Uncle Teabag hanging.
George Michael: Please don't call yourself that.
Narrator: What he was having trouble with was looking directly at his dying uncle.

Lucille: What is wrong with you? That man is being wonderful to us.
Michael: And that doesn't concern you, Mother? For all you know, he could be trying to seduce you.
Lucille: Oh, Michael, you're crazy.
Michael: I certainly hope so.
Lucille: I'm trying to seduce him.
Michael: Who's the "I" in that sentence?
Lucille: Me.
Michael: You?
Narrator: Her.

Gob: What is wrong with you?! It's disgusting! God!
Michael: Take it easy.
Gob: No, it's just I've always had a thing about Mom and Dad being together.
Michael: I know that.
Gob: I have a sense of propriety, my God.
Michael: Gob, we've had this conversation.
Gob: When?
Michael: The last time you ended up seeing Mom and Dad go at it.
Gob: What? No, God, Michael- I did no such thing.
Narrator: He did very much that thing when his parents got intimate in the conjugal trailer two years ago. But, thankfully, he'd found a way to forget that.
[flashback to Gob being detained by a prison guard next to the conjugal trailer:]
Gob: I've got a thing of pills in my pocket. I don't suppose I could convince you to grab me one? [is hit on the head]
Narrator: Luckily, that worked, too.

Gob: [on tape] Graft versus Host. Sounds like a tennis match between Steffi Graf and Happy Days star Donny Host.
Narrator: It's Most.
Gob: [on tape] But it's far deadlier. Hello, I'm Gob Bluth. [Gob applauds himself] As a magician, I can make a lot of things disappear. There are some things I can't make disappear. No, not that candy ball machine. The disease G.V.H., without your help. This is Tobias. When Toby first came into the family, none of us much wanted him around. But that's because we couldn't see what was on the inside. But lately, that's all we've been able to see. But what was Tobias to do? Have his hair plugs removed?
Tobias: [on tape] The doctor says I'd be completely healed if I were to do that.
Man #1: He just needs his hair plugs out?!
Tobias: Doctor says that's the cure.
Man #2: There's a cure?!
Lindsay: [on tape] No way. That horse hair is my ticket back into society. You'll cut it after those idiots at the gala accept me as one of their own.
Man #3: We're giving money for this guy to keep his hair transplants?!
Woman: I'd rather give to T.B.A.!

Michael: I mean, everything has gone crazy, the gala, Mom and Warden Gentles. I mean, what is in it for him? I think he's taking advantage of Mom.
Lindsay: And did it ever occur to you that maybe Warden Gentiles likes her?
Michael: Likes her what?
Lindsay: No, I mean, likes her. Like, is attracted to her.
Michael: Who's the "her" in that sentence?
Lindsay: Mom. Warden Gentles likes Mom.
Michael: "Her?"