Michael: Hey, whoa, whoa, was that Dad?
Gob: Yeah, I had to, uh, jump off.
Michael: You just had Dad on the phone? Where was he?
Gob: No way to tell, really. Portugal. Down South America way.

Buster: They're taking me in the army. They didn't think there was enough wrong with me.
Lucille: Well, did they check everything?
Buster: Yes. They even touched my Charlie Browns.

Lindsay: There's a cream with real diamonds in it. I can actually smear diamonds on my face, and it's only $400 a tub. That's like, what, like a million diamonds for $400?
Michael: Mm.
Lindsay: A million [bleep] diamonds.

George Michael: Hey, can I bring Ann?
Michael: Who?
George Michael: Ann. You know, she's- she's the girl I'm kinda hanging out with.
Michael: I haven't met Ann.
George Michael: Yes, you have.
Narrator: Michael had met Ann.
George Michael: You let her in. See, that's her right over there.
Michael: Oh, Ann. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. I know Ann. Hey, you! She's got a little hard-boiled egg going there.
George Michael: Oh, it's so cute. She sometimes takes a little pack of mayonnaise and she'll squirt it in her mouth, and then she'll take an egg and kind of.... mmm. She calls it a mayonn-egg. [chuckles] Are you okay?
Michael: I don't feel so good.

Lucille: Michael?
Michael: Mom, I'm right in the middle of something. [to Gob] Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Lucille: It's not fair to Buster. He's a nervous wreck right now. He's going into the army, for God's sake. [sobs]
Michael: You volunteered him.
Lucille: I knew you were going to throw that in my face.
Michael: Well, don't worry about it, okay? They're never gonna take him anyway.

Narrator: At that moment, Buster was taking his physical at the recruitment center.
Buster: I have a hole in my heart. I've never opened my eyes underwater. My, um, [whispers] reproductive organ is shaped like a lobster tail, but without its shell, hmm? Oh, I guess I have the panic attacks under control. Oh, and I'm legally blind at night.
Narrator: But Buster had miscalculated the army's current need for personnel.
Army Doctor: Okay, then, let's get you fitted for a uniform.
Buster: What? What?

Narrator: And George Sr. made his case to the Mexican police.
George Sr.: My God, I was beaten up here. I'm telling you. I'm George. I'm not Oscar. I'm George.
Federale: The Cornballer.
George Sr.: Si. The Cornballer.
Narrator: George Sr. had marketed a device called the Cornballer in Mexico after the severe burns it caused led to it being banned in the U.S.
George Sr.: Why, did you have one?
Federale: Si. [men all show their scarred arms]

George Michael: You know, I kind of wanna buy her a diamond.
Michael: Her?
George Michael: Ann. I mean, I know I can't afford it, but Aunt Lindsay was telling me about this diamond cream.
Michael: George Michael, um, I'm sure that Egg is a very nice person. I just don't want you spending-
George Michael: It's Ann. Her na-
Michael: ...all your money getting her all glittered up for Easter. You know?

Michael: You know I didn't set you up, okay? I think the only reason you and I always fight is that since we were little kids, Dad's always played us off each other.
Gob: Dad always said that was your fault.