Harry: Well, Officer Don, we're here to report a crime.
Sally: I blame myself. I dropped my guard.
Don: It's not your fault. Crime happens. On the surface, Rutherford may look like small town America, but just beneath the well-manicured lawns lies a hotbed of criminal activity. We may be in the shadow of Cleveland, but it's in the shadows where evil lurks.

Don: Hamlet? The story is as old as time. Pretty-boy son has a rich daddy and a good-looking mommy. The uncle knocks off daddy, marries mommy, and he cuts pretty boy out of the action. So junior goes crazy and he kills them all. Not a pretty story, but there it is.
Tommy: Isn't that the plot to The Lion King?
Dick: Oh, please!

Don: All right, let's take another question.
Woman: Over here. How much is this rescue costing?
Don: Uh, that information could compromise the rescue effort. Next.
Man: Yeah, is it true that most cavern formations in this area are sedimentary rock?
Don: That information will be released on a need-to-know basis. Uh, follow-up?
Man: Yeah, you don't know anything, do you?
Don: At this time, I cannot confirm or deny what exactly it is that I don't know. No more questions. Thank you.

Don: Mary, this a composite sketch of your assailant, based on all the eyewitness accounts.
Mary: Why is his head so big? Why is he holding a tennis racquet?
Don: Well, the department can't afford a full-time sketch artist, so we had the caricature guy from the birthday party do it.
Sally: He also did a great one of Don as a cowboy.
Don: Yeah.

Don: Now, what happened?
Sally: The radio was stolen out of our rambler.
Don: A.M. with those push buttons?
Sally: Yes.
Don: Those sick bastards! Fill out this form.
Sally: Form? Then what happens?
Don: I make a copy of it.
Sally: And then?
Don: Then on Thursday a girl comes in and files it. Paperwork. If I had my way, I'd be out in the streets putting the rats back in their holes.
Sally: Well, Don, if I had a gun like that, I wouldn't be sitting behind a desk until I ran out of bullets.

Don: Tough luck, kiddo, but your family's better off. You spend your life around garbage, you start to stink.
Sally: I don't like the taste of losing, Don. It tastes like a bad egg. You know, the kind that gives you the burps.
Don: During this election, I've done some things, Sally, some things I'm not so proud of. Did I know better? Sure. But it's this this town, this crazy town.
Sally: Makes you want to brush your teeth.
Don: You're in luck. I'm packin'.

Sally: Oh, Don, Don. Why should the name "Don" make Dick so angry?
Don: Sally.
Sally: Who's there?
Don: I would tell you, but my name is so offensive to your family I dare not speak it aloud.
Sally: Don, if they found you, there's no telling what they'd do to you.
Don: I'm okay. I have night's cloak to hide me from their eyes. And if thou love me, let them find me here. My life were better ended by their hate, than death prolonged wanting of thy love.
Sally: Wow, that's so romantic.
Don: Ah, well, I wrote it myself.

Sally: So, Don you want to buy a doughnut for the gal who just made you detective?
Don: I'm not in the mood for doughnuts.
Sally: No doughnuts, Don?
Don: No.
Sally: What's wrong?
Don: A man isn't a man if he doesn't have respect. Borskey should have been mine, Sally.
Sally: It was just a fluke, Don. I mean, if you had run out of toilet paper, you could have caught him.
Don: You know what the sick irony is, Sally? I am out of toilet paper.

Dick: So, if he can't pay his fine, he just-
Don: Well, he'll just sit there for a few days and think about what he's done.
Dick: Hmm. And that'll teach him that jail is a dirty, horrible place, and he'll never want to return?
Don: Exactly. In fact, this is the fifth time he's learned that very lesson.
Dick: The fifth time? Why does he keep coming back?
Don: Ah, it's just the way they are.
Dick: Then what's the point of this place? It's just a revolving door, a hopeless hotel whose residents check in and out between crimes. And you, Don, you're nothing more than a bellhop with a badge.
Don: I am not.
Inmate: Hey, can I get a clean towel and a Wall Street Journal?
Don: Will you shut up in there?!

Sally: No, Don, I know what I'm doing. I just want them to be as happy as we are.
Don: But we-- We weren't forced together, Sally. We came together naturally. I mean, you were this- this huge boulder, and I was this tiny drop of water. And it took time, but I kept dripping... drip, drip, drip... until I wore you down.
Sally: Yeah, you did.
Don: And now look at us. You're still a boulder, but I've worn a nice little crease in you.