Don: Mary, this a composite sketch of your assailant, based on all the eyewitness accounts.
Mary: Why is his head so big? Why is he holding a tennis racquet?
Don: Well, the department can't afford a full-time sketch artist, so we had the caricature guy from the birthday party do it.
Sally: He also did a great one of Don as a cowboy.
Don: Yeah.

Mary: I'm really excited about this class. I think learning self-defense will come in handy.
Judith: Indeed, Mary. I am so tired of going to the bars and being groped by every straight man in Rutherford.

Mary: Harry, we've been out here for two hours. What are we doing?
Harry: I told you, Albright. We're taking back the park.
Judith: From whom?
Harry: From him. That's the guy who stole Albright's purse.
Mary: Really?
Don: I don't know, Mary. He's not carrying a tennis racket and his head's a normal size.

Dick: Ah, what a beautiful day for a walk in the park.
Harry: Hey, Albright, would you like some ice cream?
Mary: Well, yes, Harry, I suppose I would.
Harry: Well, you'll have to buy it, then, 'cause my money's no good here.
Dick: Your money's not good anywhere. It's nothing but photocopies of my money.

Mary: So, Harry, what do you want?
Harry: Well, it's quite a dazzling selection, but I think I've got a hankering for a bomb pop. But I've got a receding gum line, and the blue part tends to sting. Cookiewiches are good. You see, with them, you get the double-whammy. You get ice cream and a cookie. But it's too much of both, not enough of either. It's-
Mary: Just get the Push-Up.
Harry: Ooh, that's- That's a lot of work.

Mary: Oh, I feel so vulnerable knowing that hoodlum is out there somewhere.
Dick: Oh, my poor traumatized Mary.
Harry: Well, what about me? I mean, you only had it happen to you. I had to stand there and watch it happen to you. I got to live with that for the rest of my life. [wailing]
Sally: Way to go, Albright.

Sally: What are you gonna do, go around town volunteering to help magicians?
Dick: No. I will make my own magic.
Sally: You don't know how.
Dick: Sally, every illusion has a rational explanation. When a magician pulls a dove out of a hat, the hat has a secret pocket. The floating ball? Attached to two invisible strings. The Chinese mystery box? Mystery box. Made in China.
Sally: My God! How do you know all this?
Dick: I'm a physicist. I observe the mysterious phenomena of the universe and I explain them. Plus, when we were waiting for the cops to come, I went through the back of that guy's station wagon.

Don: I'm Officer Don Orville. Over the past 20 years, I've studied self-defense at some of the top government agencies, developing simple yet effective combat techniques.
Nina: Excuse me.
Don: Yes?
Nina: Does the small print on your shirt say "Federal Bikini Inspector"?
Don: Yes. But for the record, this shirt was given to me after Spring Break '81, and I did earn it.

Don: Mary, where are you going?
Mary: I'm- I'm sorry, Don. I'm just not cut out for this class. My mother told me that girls don't hit, and I guess I never got beyond that.
Don: All right, but no refunds.
Mary: No.
Harry: Hey, Albright, isn't that the same mother that said you'd always be fat?
Mary: Yes.
Harry: Yeah. And didn't she also say that you'd always be a failure?
Mary: Yes.
Harry: Uh-huh. And didn't she also tell you that you'd never get married unless is was to a big fat failure like yourself?
Mary: You old bag!

Dick: Come on, Sally. We're walking out this door, eating our free meal at the bar, and turning our backs on this hellhole of yours forever!