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Jailhouse Dick

‘Jailhouse Dick’

Season 3, Episode 11 -  Aired December 17, 1997

Dick attempts to rehabilitate a convinct, Eddie (Sam Lloyd), who has just been released on bail. Meanwhile, Harry has to write a book report on Little Women, and Sally tries to train Mary's dog.

Quote from Don

Dick: So, if he can't pay his fine, he just-
Don: Well, he'll just sit there for a few days and think about what he's done.
Dick: Hmm. And that'll teach him that jail is a dirty, horrible place, and he'll never want to return?
Don: Exactly. In fact, this is the fifth time he's learned that very lesson.
Dick: The fifth time? Why does he keep coming back?
Don: Ah, it's just the way they are.
Dick: Then what's the point of this place? It's just a revolving door, a hopeless hotel whose residents check in and out between crimes. And you, Don, you're nothing more than a bellhop with a badge.
Don: I am not.
Inmate: Hey, can I get a clean towel and a Wall Street Journal?
Don: Will you shut up in there?!


Quote from Sally

Dick: You know, I really feel like I accomplished something. It's not easy to change a man.
Sally: Hmm. Or a dog. You know, I found it's virtually impossible to teach a dog, especially an old one, anything new. You know, like a trick.

Quote from Harry

Harry: "'It's so dreadful to be poor', sighed Meg, 'looking down at her old dress. I don't think it's fair for some girls to have plenty of pretty things and other girls nothing at all, added little Amy with an injured sniff.'" [sniff]
Tommy: Harry, do you have to be doing that right now?
Harry: Yeah. I got a 500-word book report due for night school. "It's so dreadful to be poor, sighed"
Tommy: All right, enough. Listen, the key to studying is finding the short cuts, all right? Look, later we'll go out, we'll buy you some Cliff Notes. It's like an easy little synopsis, all right? It'll take you ten minutes.
Harry: Ooh, what a relief. I don't mind readin'. It's readin' books that I hate.

Quote from Dick

Sally: Hey, Dick, don't forget your lunch.
Dick: Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm meeting officer Don at the police station for lunch.
Sally: Oh, make sure he shows you the tank.
Dick: The tank?
Sally: Yeah, but don't get too close, otherwise the inmates will start hootin' and hollerin' and telling you they love ya.
Dick: Oh. I'd better put on my new tie.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Unlike you, I happen to have faith in the human race. I can take any one of these men, rehabilitate him, and make him a productive member of society.
Don: You're mad, Solomon.
Dick: Am I? Come on, you, you're coming home with me.
Don: What are you doing?
Dick: I'm going to pay his fine and make him whole again. As god is my witness, nothing will deter me from saving this man.
Don: Okay. His fine is $1,500.
Dick: Ooh. How much for the skinny one?
Don: Uh, 750.
Dick: And the short hair in the corner?
Don: Eddie? 100 bucks.
Dick: Wrap him up. I'll take him.

Quote from Dick

Eddie: Look, I really appreciate you paying my fine and the soup and the 3-pack of underpants and everything, but I better get going.
Dick: No, Eddie, you don't have to go anywhere. You're staying here with us.
Eddie: Thanks, but you've done enough.
Dick: That's the problem, Eddie. No one's done enough. No one's ever taken responsibility for you. But I will. This house, Eddie is a house of love. But be warned, it is also a house of discipline. There will be rules, yes. There will be a curfew. However, that curfew is 3 a.m., so it shouldn't cramp your style.

Quote from Tommy

Harry: Well, that was a complete waste of time. The bookstore's out of Cliff Notes, and you spend 2 1/2 hours chatting up the girl at the Visor Hut.
Tommy: Yeah, who had heard of the book Little Women.
Harry: Okay, that was helpful. But now I got to spend all night reading the book.
Tommy: All right, listen, here's what we'll do. We'll go to the video store, we'll rent Little Women, the motion picture, all right? In 2 hours you'll know the whole story.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Well, Mary, what are you doing here?
Mary: Returning your dog.
Dick: Well, Pepper's not my dog. He was a gift.
Mary: Yeah. A gift I decided I don't deserve. Here, you take him.
Dick: Oh, no. I- I- I- I wouldn't dream of taking back a gift that I gave you.
Mary: Well, you took back the stereo you gave me.
Dick: That was surround sound, baby.

Quote from Sally

Mary: Not my problem. Not my dog anymore.
Tommy: We don't want him.
Mary: Well, I'm not taking him back.
Dick: Oh, naturally. Nobody wants to take responsibility. I can see that yet again, it falls upon me to make Sally take responsibility.
Sally: Oh, great. I can't believe I have to deal with that miserable creature.
Mary: You're talking about me, aren't you?
Sally: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Sally

Sally: You call yourself a canine? You make me sick! Wipe that smirk off your face! From now on, when I say bark, you say "How loud, sir?" Or rather bark it as if to say, "How loud, sir?" Do you understand me, private tickbait? At ease, soldier.
Mary: Wow. I think you really got through to him.
Sally: Well, you know, you just got to show 'em who's boss. You lead, they follow. [barking]
Mary: Oh, it's that damn squirrel again. [barking]
Sally: Down, Pepper!
Mary: Wow! You know, Albright, it's just a matter of really- [barking] [glass breaking] [barking]
Sally: So, uh, what do you say we just give him away?
Mary: Sounds good.

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