Don: What's the matter with these women? You give and give, and all they want to do is pose naked.
Dick: Yeah. And then they cover it up by calling it art. What a bunch of hooey.
Don: When those pictures come out, my life is going to be a living hell.
Dick: It makes my blood run cold.
Don: My angel is a centerfold.

Don: Ah, Sally. You're like this beautiful wild horse. If I'm... gonna keep you, I'd have to break you. Because if I didn't, you'd just keep throwin' me off and steppin' on my head. But I don't want to break you, Sally. I love you. So I guess I'm gonna have to... let you go. If, uh... If someday you should choose to, uh, come back to me... maybe I'll be here maybe I won't. We'll just have to see.
Sally: So this is it? [hands back ring]
Don: You know my number.
Sally: Yep, 911. Hey, Don. Can we turn on the siren? You know, for old times' sake?
Don: Sure. [siren wails]

Don: If Sally only understood the workings of the criminal element, she'd move back in a heartbeat.
Dick: Criminal element? Exactly how does this criminal element work?
Don: Well, it's the usual story. She comes home tired and forgets to close the blinds. She puts on a teddy and parades in front of the window. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.
Dick: Is it pizza?
Don: No! It's Dr. Nefarious in a ski mask and a hatchet! She's screaming her head off, but nobody can hear her because of the train passing! Clickety-clack! Clickety-clack! Clickety-clack! Whoo-whooooo! [imitates Psycho stabbing] [screams] Not a pretty picture but it could happen.
Dick: You're right, Don. In fact, I can almost guarantee that it will happen!

Don: Let me lay out the cold, hard facts for you, Tommy. If you're involved in something criminal, there's a 1 in 5 chance you'll be caught. If you're prosecuted, there's a 2% chance you'll be convicted. So don't play with fire.
Tommy: Look, you played by the rules, Don, and what do you got to show for it? Nothin'. Nothin'. Well, that's not going to be me. You understand?
Don: But Tommy-
Tommy: Don't call me Tommy. From now on, I'm the nephew.
Don: Damn!

Dick: Uh, Don, I'd like you to meet my old friend Stone.
Don: Friend, huh? Well, listen, friend, Rutherford is a clean town, and it's shenanigans such as yours that are gonna dash our hopes of landing the 20-aught-8 Summer Olympics!

Sally: Oh, god, Don, thank god you're here.
Don: What's wrong?
Tommy: Unspeakable things have been happening in this house, Don.
Don: Well, I'm sure it's nothing this police officer hasn't seen before, son.
Sally: This old guy in a wheelchair got a knife stuck in his back, and he croaked right in front of us.
Don: I've never seen that before.
Tommy: And then, somebody put poison in this safari guy's drink, and he just fell dead, right out of his chair. And he was, like [screams].
Don: Two guys were killed? I'd better get backup. You hang tight.
Sally: No, no, no. Don't let anybody see you, baby. They could kill you, too.
Don: Aw, jeez. [screams]

Sally: Have there been any breaks in the case?
Don: Uh, uh, no, Sally. Uh, but I've got every available man on it.
Sally: What about a handwriting expert? I- Don't you guys have some sort of handwriting expert that can take a look at this thing?
Don: A handwriting expert? Sally, we're just a small police department, and I, uh... I'm the handwriting expert. Uh, here, let me take a look at that. Aha. Given the slope of this crossed "t", we can definitely conclude that this guy is a lover, not a loser, Sally.
Sally: Really?
Rico: I don't know. Curve of the "v" says he's a pervert. And the capital "y" says he's killed and will kill again.
Don: Rico!
Sally: I knew it! Don, I cannot sleep knowing that he is out there. Please find him for me. Just find him. [exits]
Rico: Boy, oh, boy. You better find that perv.
Don: [to himself] I'm the perv.

Don: Sally, Harry, welcome to the Rutherford P.D. gym.
Sally: Aw, this place is cool.
Don: Yeah, this is where we boys in blue sweat and strain day in and day out, week after week, all so that we may better protect and serve.
Harry: Mm. Is it always this crowded?
Don: I don't know. I've never been here before.

Don: Water. I need water.
Sally: Oh, Don, what's going on?
Don: I just foiled a bank robbery, Sally.
Harry: You're kidding.
Sally: Well, what happened? Did they trip the alarm or something?
Don: No. They dropped their bag of money outside the bank, and just as I was swooping down to write them a ticket for littering, I realized, "Hey, that's not trash. That's a bag full of money."
Tommy: So if they hadn't dropped that bag, they would have gotten away with it?
Don: Well, yes, but luckily for those of us in the law enforcement community, people always make mistakes.
Sally: Really?
Don: Oh, yeah. Criminals are stupid, but I'm always one step behind them. Oh, God! I left the bag of money in the car!

Don: I gotta go. There's a car stolen every 15 minutes, and the guy who's doin' it has to be stopped.