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Assault with a Deadly Dick

‘Assault with a Deadly Dick’

Season 1, Episode 17 -  Aired April 30, 1996

After the Solomons' car radio is stolen, Dick loses faith in humanity and Sally meets Officer Don.

Quote from Dick

Don: Okay, Mr. Solomon, it's time to finger your perp.
Dick: [points to Mary] Believe me, I've tried, but she just won't let me.


Quote from Mrs. Dubcek

Mrs. Dubcek: Hi, hi. I heard about your car radio. Did you call the cops?
Dick: Oh, I don't think that's necessary.
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, don't be silly. You go down to the station, you ask for Officer Franco, an Italian gentlemen, very nice. He came right over when my boyfriend got beat up in my living room.
Dick: Your boyfriend got beat up in your own house?
Mrs. Dubcek: Yeah. Well, my husband didn't care for him.

Quote from Don

Harry: Well, Officer Don, we're here to report a crime.
Sally: I blame myself. I dropped my guard.
Don: It's not your fault. Crime happens. On the surface, Rutherford may look like small town America, but just beneath the well-manicured lawns lies a hotbed of criminal activity. We may be in the shadow of Cleveland, but it's in the shadows where evil lurks.

Quote from Dick

Dick: I am about to reveal something astounding.
Mary: I think you're overestimating yourself.
Dick: Behold! An ATM card.
Mary: Oh. Congratulations. You're now a member of a very elite group of two, three hundred million Americans.
Dick: My name is raised. You can touch it if you want.
Mary: No, thanks.
Dick: When I press it into my forehead, you can read my name backwards.
Mary: Pace yourself, we have a whole semester.

Quote from Dick

Dick: You know, I have a great idea. To celebrate, why don't I use my new ATM card to withdraw money from one of many convenient locations, even after business hours, and take you out to dinner tomorrow night?
Mary: All right.
Dick: Really?
Mary: Yes.
Dick: You're not just toying with me? You do understand it's dinner, out?
Mary: Yes, but it can't just be dinner out of the house. It also has to be dinner out of the car.
Dick: Yes. Now all I have to do is put this card into the ATM, punch in my secret code, 1-2-3-4- Oh, no! I was never supposed to reveal my code to anyone!
Nina: Ooh, well, now you're going to have to kill us.

Quote from Don

Don: Now, what happened?
Sally: The radio was stolen out of our rambler.
Don: A.M. with those push buttons?
Sally: Yes.
Don: Those sick bastards! Fill out this form.
Sally: Form? Then what happens?
Don: I make a copy of it.
Sally: And then?
Don: Then on Thursday a girl comes in and files it. Paperwork. If I had my way, I'd be out in the streets putting the rats back in their holes.
Sally: Well, Don, if I had a gun like that, I wouldn't be sitting behind a desk until I ran out of bullets.

Quote from Dick

Mary: Why did I think tonight would be any different? You are insane.
Dick: It's the world that's insane! They talk about the universe being random. Ha! This is the place that's random.
Mary: I'm leaving.
Dick: People assaulting total strangers for no other reason than to take their money! That's right, run away from the problem! Sooner or later you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that the earth is a cold, dark and evil place crawling with crazed ne'er-do-wells and larcenous jackanapes! Well, I don't like it! Lieutenant!
Sally: Yes, sir.
Dick: This planet has crossed the line. Assemble the giant robot.
Sally: We didn't pack it.
Dick: We didn't? Why not?
Sally: I wanted to, but you needed the room for your exercise bike, which, I might add, you never use.

Quote from Dick

Dick: The strengths of the refracted light varies in accordance with its velocity as measured in light years per second.
Leon: Uh, Dr. Solomon.
Dick: What is it, Leon?
Leon: Why are you writing like that?
Dick: Because we live in world where, as soon as you turn around, someone is waiting to stab you in the back and steal your wallet.
Caryn: Dr. Solomon, you have to have more faith in people. You know, I think that deep down there's a basic decency-
Dick: Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Your chirpy optimism has no place in reality. Guess what. Santa Claus is dead! Beaten senseless for his shiny black boots! And his reindeer don't give a damn!

Quote from Sally

Dick: Okay, let's get this straight. I don't care how much it costs. I don't care how difficult it is to accomplish. I want a security system that will guarantee that every moment of our lives will be filled with a sense of absolute safety and contentment.
Salesman: That would be the Electro Fort 2000. The alarm connects directly to our command center downtown where we immediately dispatch trained patrolmen to your door.
Sally: I see. I just have one question.
Salesman: Sure.
Sally: Where do I bury my family after the burglars have pumped bullets into their skulls while your guys are strolling over?
Salesman: That almost never happens. May I have a glass of water?

Quote from Harry

Dick: Your company is obviously run by amateurs. This is totally unsatisfactory.
Harry: Well, allow me to show you a few schematics that I drew up. Okay. Now, the giant swinging blade would fall from here. Steel spikes plunge into the burglar's eyes here. And the conveyor belt drops the carcass into the tank of great white sharks here, here and here. It'll work.
Dick: Now, that's a plan.

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